Is this an adhd trait?

[Untery]

So someone tells you a story about something. And your effort to empathise and show understanding is that you say “omg that happened to me to “ and tell them all about your similar story just the same. Neurotypical friend thinks you are trying to hijack the conversation and make it about yourself.

At my grandfather’s funeral, someone told my cousin that they understood how she felt because her dog had recently died…we actually laughed about it! We are an ND family and even we noticed that one!

My experience is that it is about reciprocal sharing, as well as relating and showing empathy.

Everyone does this, it's quite a normal conversational thing - to relate and share during an interaction with another person. I feel like every form of ordinary human behaviour is being labelled as a 'trait' of some sort of neurodiversity these days.

I think a lot of people do this. It may be an attempt at empathy or it may be making the focus on themself. Important to remember that no two people have the same experience or perceive things in the same way, we are all unique and diverse from one another and actually listening to someone else's experience is the most important thing because it will never be the same as one's own.

I don’t think NT people actually want a proper response to this - they just want you to ask them back so they can tell you what they did….

I think it’s just a clumsy human thing.

People with ADHD do also have personalities. People with ADHD aren’t just one homogeneous group. Just like people with autism also have personalities. Just like everyone has a personality.

People with and without ADHD have the trait mentioned in the OP.

Thank you. I am coming to this realisation. I need a stock answer which covers all bases of vaguely what I have been doing

I think there are lots of different ways to do this and much of the time, it's not low emotional intelligence or rude.

If you are telling a story about how you felt totally ridiculous when xxx happened to you, it is totally fine to respond with "ah don't feel bad, same thing happened to me"

If you are seeking advice on how to deal with something "when it happened to me, I tried xxx but preferred yyy, have you considered..?" Is totally fine

If you are talking about how something made you feel, it can be totally fine to talk about your feelings in response to show empathy etc

Obviously what's not fine is just to interrupt and make it all about your experience.

Or responding in a superior way - I have one friend whose response any time I have even the most gentle whinge about parenting is to say that her experience was the total opposite because her daughter never ever had a tantrum/put a foot wrong/is totally perfect

I like a conversation to be back and forth not just monologues in turn and the way that often unfolds is swapping similar experiences

Definitely.
It triggers a memory and you have to get it out.
You could even jump from one subject to another at the same time.. because that also triggers something else.

This.

Absolutely! It’s how I relate. It’s like an excited “me too! I get exactly what you mean!” rather than “ooh I get to talk about me!”

Since learning it’s a faux-pas, I’m very careful to keep the conversation about them, say how I think I get it because a similar thing happened to me, then direct the conversation back to their lives afterwards again. I think I do it okay. I also hold back from doing it every single time anyone says anything.

Surely there will be things that are common in both ND and NT people? So it's not an ADHD thing, just a thing.

I often do that. I'm really bad at interrupting people's stories and trying to relay my own experience of something similar. It's really annoying for my friends/family. They often have to say 'let me finish'
It's like I get so excited that it relates to something in my life I feel like I'm going to burst if I don't tell my story immediately. It can come off rude and childish I think. I try my best not to do it. But it's hard!

I have many ADHD traits. But not diagnosed.
Someone told me I can't have ADHD as I used to take a lot of speed as a teenager and it made me high. They said if it was ADHD it would make me sleepy/calmer.
Not sure if that's true?

I do it often and I'm NT

I'm trying to show empathy and find common ground

However, I'm trying not to do it as much, as I appreciate people will sometimes want to just focus on their own story

Likewise! To me, swapping anecdotes is the foundation of a great conversation! What do people who don't do this do to show that they understand their friend's experiences? Is it all touchy feely "Hmmm....yeah....I empathise so much"? Tbh that makes my skin crawl because it comes across as really fake. Thank God I don't have many neurotypical friends 😆

@Untery there was a guy I worked with but based in different offices. If he rang me for something he would always ask how I am. If I rang him for something I would just jump straight into the question. I actually had to write on a post it note next to the phone, ask X how he is.

double post sorry! Don’t know how I did that!

I do this I'm autistic. Are we not supposed to? It's my way of showing I understand. Are we supposed to just listen?

It's OK, you can just come and have a nice chat with me and all the other ND folk. Did I ever tell you about the time I countered someone's anecdote with an anecdote....? 😆😆😆

Isn't it just called...a conversation? Seriously. Isn't that how a conversation works?

As an aside, I do find that NT people love to talk about themselves and don’t like their monologues to be interrupted, whereas conversation between/amongst ND people is often chaotic, but everyone speaks and shares.

@weareallcats I agree with this. It's also about knowing when to do what - which moment warrants it, sometimes there's a bit of quiet to listen and other times sharing similar issues IS listening. It's a juggle that many ND people are adept at.

I find that when someone is silent listening to me, it becomes uncomfortable. I need some sort of signal, communication from you, some sort of response to what I'm saying while I'm saying it, it tells me you're understanding. That's probably why we, ND people, tend to share back and forth because just staring at the person (or worse looking into their eyes, the almighty eye contact) and being silent while they're talking is quite creepy to me.

I understand for some people, it's simply about making everything about themselves and hijacking the conversation but not everyone is that way or has that intention.

No, NT people don't say that. They often swap anecdotes.

You could ask them for more details about what happened. So they can talk more about the experience. Let them feel supported, then tell your own story if you want!

It's a normal part of conversation. A good conversation will include some questions, some sharing of experience and some listening to the other person tell a story. If there is an imbalance between those the conversation can feel like hard work. It can also feel like hard work if you come from families with different conversational styles, e.g. you probably come from a family where people practice cooperative overlapping and your friend does not. It's definitely not a NT vs ND thing.

Same. Weirdly, DH is neurotypical but pretty much all (possibly literally all) my friends are ND.

Oh. Is that what we are doing now? Dividing the world into NT vs ND?
How tedious ( and also entirely imaginary)..
OP it’s a human trait. That’s all.

Yeah, because back in the day everyone was completely normal. Except for those weirdoes who were completely awkward and didn't know any social cues, but there was obviously something wrong with them so they didn't count 🙄