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Original poster

Earning more than DP - he always wants us to get the expensive option

76 replies

redveaver · 06/12/2024 06:50

I earn quite a bit more than DP, but after tax, it's not quite double. I have a very stressful job and I'm not sure it's for ever.

My big goal is to save money for the future/freedom from such a high stress role. DP loves his job so doesn't see it in the same way.

But whenever we buy something he will joke "but you earn good money so you can treat me to nice things" which I know is only a half joke.

For example, if we were going to go out for a Chinese sit down on a Friday, there is a nice one that would cost £60 total and a fancy one that would cost £100 for a meal. He'll always want to go to the fancy one and joke that I could treat him.

or if we are going on holiday, I'll find a basic but nice hotel for say £100 a night and he'll want us to stay at the 5* for £200 a night.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 06/12/2024 06:54

Sounds like your views and feelings about money are different, worth talking about properly, then IMO within reason it’s your decision as you earn your salary. If you want to prioritise saving, prefer lower cost options, do that.

Pat888 · 06/12/2024 06:57

Can you filter off your earnings into ISAs, high paying bank accounts where you need time to remove money from them, prremium bonds, So the money isn't there to spend.

Pedallleur · 06/12/2024 06:57

Can you afford it? You could be the richest person in the cemetery and should enjoy your life but you can say no or nice hotel but no £100 dinners. Strike a balance.

Christmaspanicisreal · 06/12/2024 06:59

Sounds like a budget would be helpful. X goes to household bills, Y goes to long term goals and Z goes to fun stuff.

LameBorzoi · 06/12/2024 07:01

Pat888 · 06/12/2024 06:57

Can you filter off your earnings into ISAs, high paying bank accounts where you need time to remove money from them, prremium bonds, So the money isn't there to spend.

This. I'm getting the impression that he is trying to spend your money, and you don't think that you can really afford it, long term.

LittleRedRidingHoody · 06/12/2024 07:03

Does he plan to pay 50/50 on things like the hotel though?

I'm wondering if maybe he's worried you feel you can't do/afford nice things because of him (minus the treating him joke!) ~ I significantly out-earned an ex and for a while he suggested nicer places than I would, thinking that I suggested the cheaper options for his benefit and would prefer to splurge! I didn't, and when we got that ironed out things became much simpler.

AlbertCamusflage · 06/12/2024 07:06

If you are both working , I'm not sure why you should get more say over financial decisions than him just because you earn more. You need to communicate and reach an agreement about how much you should aim to be saving.

I can see that the joke about "treating him" is annoying, but really it shouldn't be about how much each of you puts into the pot.

Coldandunderablanket · 06/12/2024 07:08

He is only your partner and your money is your own. Make a plan of what you want to do financially. Make the decision of how much goes into an isa each month, then set up a dd on pay day so this happens. You then do not have the money to spend

NOTANUM · 06/12/2024 07:11

Sorry but you’re financially incompatible and have different money goals. Neither is right or wrong but both very different.

F1rugby23 · 06/12/2024 07:12

If you can afford to I would put any money you earn over what he brings home into savings/ pension etc then you are on equal footing on day to day spending, but know you are also saving too.

BadPeopleFan · 06/12/2024 07:14

DP? So not even DH?
Tell him to sod off....you are saving for your future and if he doesn't shut up it will be a future without him!

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 06/12/2024 07:15

AlbertCamusflage · 06/12/2024 07:06

I can see that the joke about "treating him" is annoying, but really it shouldn't be about how much each of you puts into the pot.

I assume because he expects her to pay more?!

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 06/12/2024 07:16

If you’re not married and don’t have children, ultimately it’s your money and he can get to fuck. I couldn’t be coping with all the “jokes” and I’d shut that shit down so fast. If a woman was doing this she’d be accused of gold digging by his mates, so what does that make him?

If he wants the expensive lifestyle, maybe he’d better find a better paid job to fund it.

Rocksaltrita · 06/12/2024 07:20

Always easy to spend someone else’s money…

Autumndayz77 · 06/12/2024 07:20

How do you approach money as a partnership? And is he expecting you to fully pay for treats etc?

LimeYellow · 06/12/2024 07:25

I would find this stressful OP. I was similar to you - worked in a high earning high stress job that I didn't see as lasting forever (it didn't). I prioritised savings and I would have hated to be pressured into spending money when I didn't want to. Especially when it's presented as a joke - so annoying! Find some stock phrases "I don't think the expensive Chinese is that much better than the cheap one" "I'm happy with this hotel choice" "that's a lot of money and it doesn't seem worth it to me". If he keeps doing it then a proper sit down chat about your attitudes to money.

Doingmybest12 · 06/12/2024 07:48

As youve written it, that would be very unattractive to me in a partner unless it's very occasional, like for a birthday or another good reason. You both need to agree on your lifestyle and goals. The only caveat for me would be if you splurge on other things and then stingy on stuff you care less about for no apparent reason ,but it doesn't sound like that.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 06/12/2024 07:54

@redveaver sorry but it sound like he is taking the piss and just using you for your money!!! get rid of this one asap!

ceallachmint · 06/12/2024 08:28

This would annoy me on so many levels...

A partner constantly feeling like they should be ''treated'', where it sounds as if you've to do all the ''treating''?

Thinking its ok to not put his hand in his pocket because you earn more.

Basically squandering away your money on more expensive options when there are cheaper/ just as nice options to chose from, just because he thinks you can afford it.
Just because you earn more doesn't mean he can dictate how your money is spent.

And finally it doesn't sound as if he's offering to pay half?? Just a total cheek, I'm mortified for him.

Onceachunkymonkey · 06/12/2024 08:30

Oh that would give me the ick. Couldn’t cope with someone always with their hand out wanting to be “treated”. Just tell him if he wants these things he pays as you’re saving and you’re not his mother.

Billydavey · 06/12/2024 08:33

Do you live together? How do you split all the bills of so? Do you pay double what he does?

mumsnet is always keen the higher earning man pays more. Interesting that this thread at the moment seems to say the higher earning woman shouldn’t have to…

Moresweetsplease · 06/12/2024 08:37

But whenever we buy something he will joke "but you earn good money so you can treat me to nice things" which I know is only a half joke.

Suprrised at some of the replies. It’s not just about having different financial goals or mindsets.

From what Op has said the main issue is he expects her to pay for most or all of these “treats”. And not her not even her husband, he's her partner.

He should not be “joking” about this kind of thing and it doesn’t seem to be an actual joke if it plays out in real life. If a man said that to me it would be a real turn off.

As pp said he seems keen to spend your money which is a red flag.

If however, I’ve misunderstood and they’re going 50/50 on say the 5 star hotel or the fancy restaurant - that’s a bit of a different conversation.

INeedAnotherName · 06/12/2024 08:39

mumsnet is always keen the higher earning man pays more. Interesting that this thread at the moment seems to say the higher earning woman shouldn’t have to…

Mumsnet says that is for bills and joint childcare , this particular problem is to do with treats. Mumsnet hive mind would not say the man has to pay for all treats and holidays if the situation was reversed. Mumsnet says you are wrong in your analysis.

LimeYellow · 06/12/2024 08:40

@Billydavey Honestly, mumsnet would not support a woman frequently asking her higher earning partner to pay for her to have expensive and unnecessary treats when he wanted to put the money into savings instead.

LameBorzoi · 06/12/2024 08:40

Billydavey · 06/12/2024 08:33

Do you live together? How do you split all the bills of so? Do you pay double what he does?

mumsnet is always keen the higher earning man pays more. Interesting that this thread at the moment seems to say the higher earning woman shouldn’t have to…

It depends on where they are in life. On mumsnet, it's often women who have given up earning capacity in order to raise children.

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