Earning more than DP - he always wants us to get the expensive option

[redveaver]

I earn quite a bit more than DP, but after tax, it's not quite double. I have a very stressful job and I'm not sure it's for ever.

My big goal is to save money for the future/freedom from such a high stress role. DP loves his job so doesn't see it in the same way.

But whenever we buy something he will joke "but you earn good money so you can treat me to nice things" which I know is only a half joke.

For example, if we were going to go out for a Chinese sit down on a Friday, there is a nice one that would cost £60 total and a fancy one that would cost £100 for a meal. He'll always want to go to the fancy one and joke that I could treat him.

or if we are going on holiday, I'll find a basic but nice hotel for say £100 a night and he'll want us to stay at the 5* for £200 a night.

It’s fairer to proportionately split bills, so bill wise the op should pay more but the treating thing is not living expenses and that’s the difference.

Plus you aren’t married so I would advise savings in your name only a S&S ISA.

But apart from the you should treat me it’s the attitude. DH and I have the same attitude to money. Money is one of the biggest causes of falling out in relationships.

We are not talking about rent and household bills though?

We are talking about the lower earner here, choosing a more expensive alternative for eating out and holidays, when the higher earner has chosen a cheaper option - and then expecting the higher earner to “treat” them.

So no Mumsnet does not support that whether it’s a man or a woman. It’s greedy behaviour and I’ve had a couple of childhood friends try this crap with me in the past when I’ve came into a small bit of money.

Just say no OP.

He can't actually make you spend money you don't want to.

For holidays say this is my budget end of discussion.

Tell him he can't live a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget.

People do know that mumsnet is not a single entity with one world view ?

Here where OP is not married then I would very much encourage her to set up a sole name ISA and start saving asap. I mean tbh it's the same advice if they were married, if you can save your tax free amount each year and pay into your pension- especially when young - compound interest works in your favour for the long term.

Unlike always picking the £100 for two restaurant over the £70 one.

How much does this piss you off OP? Because if there's any chance of divorce it'll be pointless saving a pile that he knows about then having to give him half of it when you split. If you think it's heading downhill then you'd do better to split first before going all out for the life you want. FWIW I couldn't deal with these constant non-jokes either. He's basically telling you he thinks he has the right to spend all your disposable income as well as his own, very entitled "I'm the man I have final say in all the decisions" type thinking.

They're not married @thewrongsister

It's not jokey though- a joke is funny. He is expecting/ wanting to have a say in how much is spent, in things he is spending nothing on. If he's going to remain a DP, or become a DH depending on whether you want to- it needs to stop before you resent him completely. Always bring 'jokey' about the expensive option will lead to resentment. Explain to him that you're have a plan as your job is that high stress, you don't see yourself having the longevity in your role as he has in his because you feel differently about your job than he does his. That because of this, whilst you still want to live 'now' you also need to think k more strategically for the future for when you drop your earnings, to ensure the quality of life you want after changing roles. Does he pay for any of these/ half of it? He can always pay half + the 'extra' you don't want to- so a £200 hotel- you pay £50- the cost of half the room you're happy with, he can pay £150 as he wants the better quality. Otherwise this looks like an issue that will juts keep leading to resentment for you.

This would annoy the hell out of me and I would have nipped these comments in the bud a long time ago,
I am in the same situation as you guys, just the opposite. DH is in the stressful job earning more than me. We dont waste on things because I don’t want him to have to carry on with his job once he says he’s had enough.
People talking about you being able to afford the extras here and there are usually the ones who haven’t got a pot to piss in at the end of the day.
Start filtering part of your wages off every month as people have suggested further up the thread.
Your DP knows he is on a winner here. Either put him straight or bin him off otherwise he will be leaching off you for the rest of your life without making any effort to perhaps better himself to get a better paid job.

Christ, I hope none of my DDs come home with a fucker like this.

That’s generally when the couple are married and/or have childcare and associated expenses.

Interesting how you have decided the thread fits your preconception, even though it doesn’t.

OP, do you end up paying for all the hotel or Chinese?

Well I'd say to him, if you want to go to the more expensive places we can pay halves I want to start saving.

Also if I didn't have children with him it would put me off so much I'd separate.

They would say he was tight, and that’s the most unattractive thing in a man ever and she should dump him fornit

I’ve seen it many times. He gets called tight for squirrelling money away

You have not seen a post where OP comes on and says “DP earns more than me, when he tries to pick a nice enough restaurant, I tell him we should go somewhere more expensive and he should treat me” with a bunch of “yeah, you go girl” replies.

HTH.

How are you paying for these things?
If it's just you paying then you choose the option you want and tell him assertively you won't be getting the one he wants.
If you are paying jointly then I think it has to be a compromise between what you both want.
If you are paying 50/50 I think he should get his way and you should get the fancier option sometimes.
If you are paying as a percentage of your income relative to how much you earn (so you paying more) I think it's probably fairer to mostly go with what you want but occasionally get the fancier option.

But as I said if it's just you paying for these things alone then you can tell him to go fuck himself. He doesn't get to decide by himself how to spend money when you disagree.

Ultimately you need to protect yourself.

Whether he is partner or husband, he can disappear at any time and leave you to deal with life yourself.

If you've spent large amounts of money on his 'treats' (sounds like a pet) it may leave you unable to pay for your necessities in the future and I would think you would feel hugely resentful.

Pay your way of course for housing costs/bills etc. but I would put any excess locked away into savings accounts that cannot be accessed easily - in your own name of course.

If you have children, I think this changes but I think having such different financial outlooks will be problematic.

That would piss me off. If he wants the most expensive things, he needs to earn more. You are right to think long term and I wouldn't be rushing to marry this guy if he thinks you are going to keep him in luxury while he enjoys his job with its modest salary.

Actually I think I could only hear "But you can treat me" once from a man without losing all desire for him.

OP, do you and your other half run your finances separately, or do you see yourselves as mingling into one large pot?

Because if it’s the latter, I think the issue is there’s two basic types of people – ‘live for today’ vs ‘save for tomorrow’. I’m very much the latter too, but I’m aware that it drives other people mad – what I see as bringing-retirement/freedom-closer, just looks like miserly behaviour to them (and vice versa of course, enjoying life looks like irresponsibility or self-indulgence to me).

There’s nothing for it but to compromise really, so you’re going to have to have it out in the open, I think. The two attitudes seem to be pretty much hard-wired into us.

Finances are a huge reason couples split up or are just miserable and resentful. You need to talk to him and say I’m saving so I can quit this job when I need to because I hate it. I get you love your job, do you care so little about me that you’ve not spent 10 seconds thinking about what it’s like to hate your job? It feels that way when you make all your “jokes” about me paying. They aren’t funny. I don’t see you making any plans to support us when I can’t stand it anymore and quit, and I don’t feel like we are a team.

But she has a stressful job and doesn't want to do it forever so she needs to save for that.

There is also no point in being the poorest person in the cemetery after being poor in your later years.

I know anyone can die tomorrow, but most people don't and most live until their 80s.

I move my surplus into savings and we both contribute the same into our spending pot to cover bills / food / meals out - I do treat us quite often but DH has never expected it or suggested it at all

Hang on, you are not married and he is spending your money? No way. I would go 50-50 on everything if I wasn't married. Save the rest. You never know what the future will hold and you never know actually whether he'll be in it.

Absolutely this
He's a CF, grabby with it

Ugh bin

This is something you need to be able to talk about together.

There are no rights and wrongs but you need to be compatible.