Earning more than DP - he always wants us to get the expensive option

[redveaver]

I earn quite a bit more than DP, but after tax, it's not quite double. I have a very stressful job and I'm not sure it's for ever.

My big goal is to save money for the future/freedom from such a high stress role. DP loves his job so doesn't see it in the same way.

But whenever we buy something he will joke "but you earn good money so you can treat me to nice things" which I know is only a half joke.

For example, if we were going to go out for a Chinese sit down on a Friday, there is a nice one that would cost £60 total and a fancy one that would cost £100 for a meal. He'll always want to go to the fancy one and joke that I could treat him.

or if we are going on holiday, I'll find a basic but nice hotel for say £100 a night and he'll want us to stay at the 5* for £200 a night.

Very crass to be continually bringing up the fact you are a higher earner than him.

It sounds like he's either insecure or just trying to freeload.

If he's a partner where you both don't see a long term future he might not be remotely interested in your financial planning or career plans, which is fair enough, but even more important not to allow him to nag you into spending your money on frivolous things if that's not something you want to do.

I'm not sure there's a future with him, money and misaligned attitudes towards it has often been a problem in any longterm relationship I've ever had. I'd now consider almost the number one criteria in a relationship, it's a very personal thing and is a very important aspect of a marriage, especially if you have children, so it's good you recognise that your different attitudes towards money is a problem.

Sounds as though you need to set up a joint account into which you pay the same money, ie splitting all costs 50/50, and then make clear you will be putting your excess into savings for if/when you might be made redundant or just feel you cannot continue in your current role. Explain it’s for you both to live on if there is an emergency and/or it is to save enough to pay the mortgage off so HE is still the ultimate beneficiary, but you are not frittering it away on ‘luxuries’, aside from the occasional treat.

My DH does this - and as a result now has enough to clear our very hefty mortgage and the equivalent of 2 years salary. We’re 55, so he fears redundancy - his company makes them in cycles every 2-3 years and although he has always escaped, we won’t take that for granted, especially as his options for getting a new job in his very specialised field are reduced as he gets older. It means that, coupled with redundancy pay, we could muddle through to statutory retirement without his income if necessary.

You are perfectly free (assuming there are no children) to share expenses this way (ie 50/50). And, as you don’t say how old you are and/or whether you might be considering children/maternity leave at some point in the future, it is sensible to plan for these things or for either of you to be on long term sick leave or unemployed in the future.

I think the current data shows women out-earn men in the uk until they start families, then it goes pear shaped, and often doesn't recover (depending on the childcare set up)
Families often don't stay together for l life and the women will very likely need to house herself and the child without the father at some point.
So yes, I think women need to feel they aren't throwing away their autonomy and access to money to feel safe to have a child.

It's the "you should treat me" that I'd find offputting - and that would be true for men or women. I had a flat mate who had this attitude with ANYONE who earned more money than her and honestly, you won't be surprised to hear our friendship didn't last.

But there are some variables. Are you living together? Do you have children? If you do live together/have children, how are finances split. I'm uncomfortable with any one person in a partnership insisting on things being cheaper OR more expensive when the other one is uncomfortable with it - you need to have fairly similar views on spending for a long-term relationship - but there could be dbe other factors at play that might slightly adjust how I feel, that aren't clear in your OP.

Eg, if you don't live together and he just wants you to spend ... ick ick ick (and yes, when women do this, it's equally ick).

If you do live together but bills are split 50/50, its still ick, but I'd have a bit more sympathy for him.

If you live together and you are paying the bulk of the bills then he's screaming cocklodger. x100 if you're doing all the household/childcare tasks too.

That’s exactly what has been said previously
hes tight, it’s unattractive, mean with money mean with love.

If you are in a high pressure role that you don’t think is sustainable then of course you should be saving so you don’t end up burning out

unclear how serious your relationship is etc

I'm generalising, which I know isn't popular these days, but it sounds like typical male ego talking to me. He should be the bread winner, earning more and it hurts on some level that he isn't so he turns it into a 'joke'.
In my opinion, if you want to stay together, you need to discuss it thoroughly or this will breed resentment from you.

I think the issue here is that your DP doesn’t appreciate that your higher-earnings come at a price of high-stress - and you are the one paying this price.

As a first step, I’d speak to him about the fact that working at this capacity is not sustainable for you long-term and you want to use this period of high earnings to build up financial security so you also can have the luxury of a lower-paid and lower-stress role. As such, your additional earnings are for investment not consumption.

I would find his attitude (of constantly wanting to be “treated”) a bit of a turn-off. But I’m prepared to be told this is sexist (because I suspect it is slightly). However, it may just be that he doesn’t appreciate the additional stress your job entails - so I’d give him a chance by outlining this plainly

Do you live together? Are you splitting the hotels and restaurants or are you paying in full?

Either way a man keeping an eye on my purse and spending my money for me would put me off him immediately, I'm not his mummy.

I think you are confusing the terms DH and DP.

DH would indeed be called tight and that it was an unattractive trait for a family man. A DP would not be, unless there were joint children involved. Mumsnet repeats that your analysis of Mumsnet is false.

With respect, I disagree. I absolutely do understand the terms and have seen many many posts where someone is advised to “throw this one back” where their partner/boyfriend is deemed to not be sufficiently generous

I think in your position I'd be going hard on the saving and on payday I'd be transferring a big chunk of wages into a bond or a savings account that can't be easily accessed, leaving you with a manageable amount to get by on every month but not much more. Its not on you to fund the lifestyle he wants.

Do you live together? Whats the financial split at home? Does he ever treat you?

No that's when the man won't pay his way or is very cheap on dates, I've never seen a single thread where a women expects him to fund posh hotels or meals.

Gold-digger.

Dump.

Agreed. And if Billy doesn't then perhaps Billy can link to those posts that they feel back them up that mumsnet is two-faced about excess finances where marriage or joint children aren't involved.

If I wasn't married, I'd be maxing out my pension contributions and ISA before anything else with that kind of attitude from a partner. Although it does sound like you're not on the same page, so that needs addressing.

It's all very well him having a job that he enjoys, but if he then expects you to pay for that privilege, it's not really fair is it?

Nah, tell him you go for lowest common denominator rather than highest common factor. If anything, that might confus'em.

My boyfriend (so, not live-in or married!) and I have a similar disparity. I probably earn close to double (before tax) and I also get maintenance for my DCs from their Dad. So, I guess my income is more than double his cash-wise. He also has no children, so his money is his own to spend.

However, he is not entitled and always pays his own way. In our first year together, we were 50/50 mostly. When we went on our first holidays, he was the one who insisted we made sure we were halving. Not in a tight way, as when we were on the holiday itself, he will say he wanted to treat me to a massage or whatever he will pay for.

Once we started our second year together and I felt our relationship has legs, I suggested we split our holiday expenses 60/40 or even 70/30 so we are not staying in cheap hotels, which he was grateful for and said the 60/40 offer was more than enough. We still split our dates out 50/50 as in taking turns but we don’t do expensive dates. And we have the agreement that when I stay at his, he buys all the food and cooks for me and vice versa. If I want to do something particularly nice, and it was my suggestion, I would make it clear it’s on me. I buy him more expensive presents on special occasions but that’s because I want to. While he likes to surprises me with lots of little, thoughtful gifts.

The difference here is he will never expect me to spend more or pay for him. If he did, I would have told him how that would make me feel. And the uneven holiday split idea came from me. As the one with more disposable income, I felt that was fairer.

I just booked a holiday for me and my teen DCs and I asked him if he wanted to come. I would have paid for him (would have just cost me an additional airfare as have booked an apartment). And he said no as it’s a place he’s been and he’s in a new job and would rather save his holiday for us to go on as a couple. I totally respect that. The best part is we are able to easily communicate our expectations. I think your DP sounds at best, entitled and at worst, a potential cocklodger… next time, he makes a joke like that, I would be clear how that made me feel. If he continues despite knowing how you feel… you know you need to tell him where to go…

This is why I’d never marry a man who earns less than me.

You need to tell him no to the expensive option as you are saving and budgeting accordingly.

I don't know what all the acronyms mean on this site but if you’re married why are you “treating each other” and why aren’t your goals shared.

I make more money than my husband. At no point ever in our relationship as he turned to me and said - you should treat me to something that costs double. Never, not once. We have a joint bank account the bills come out of. I pay 100% of the bills and the car payment and maintenance. He pays the mortgage. We stagger the payment dates to coincide with our pay being deposited.

We aren’t buying anything for each other - our money is together. We make decisions together. You should try communicating. Make it about you as a couple and not as individuals.

It’s easy to say that, but we’ve had maybe thirty straight years of encouragement not to view our marriages etc in that way, and instead to view ourselves as individuals pursuing maybe only a few goals together. So it’s not surprising that lots of people don’t arrange things your way.

@Pherian they are not married.

I was in this situation with my partner for about a decade and he never once made a joke like that, I don't think it would ever have crossed his mind. And if he had I wouldn't have taken it well.

Yours should be grateful he can have a lower paid job he loves instead of having the pressure to earn more in a job he likes less. No doubt he is benefiting from it in other ways like you being in an house you wouldn't be able to afford if you were both at his salary level.

Just tell him to stop it.