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Original poster

BiL is rude - Confront or ignore?

54 replies

Tryingtomakeitthroughtheweek · 02/12/2024 17:05

Not sure this is the right place but couldn't find a Family Board.

Sister has been with DP for around 15 years, there's a 13 year age gap (he's older) when they first met they both seemed to really enjoy the dynamic that she was a young clueless chavy girl from a council estate and he was molding into something better like some Eliza Doolittle wannabe, tbh it was laughable as he wasn't exactly sugar daddy material so we just ignored it.

A few years after they met my sister needed her appendix out and had to stay in hospital a few days longer than expected, my Mum mentioned to him that we would visit her in the hospital as she was getting a bit fed up and asked what times he was going so we could work around him and his work, he said he hadn't planned to visit her as the nurses were taking care of her and didnt want us all trooping in like the Adams family. He was obviously very pleased with this joke as its stuck and he'll often to say to my DH if we are doing something together for the day "Enjoy your day stuck with the Adams family, ha ha"

This weekend I had Mum, Sister, Aunty and Nephew stay and he said it again to DH in earshot of everyone else, DH was annoyed so he just frowned and walked away.

They live over an hour away so we're not in each others pockets but having DC of a similar age we try and spend time together and Im finding myself bracing for the next nasty comment, I've mentioned to my sister that he's rude but she just makes excuses and says he doesn't realise he's doing it??

Im normally so blindsided I can only thing of clever things to say afterwards.
I hate confrontation and I normally try and ignore rude people but Im going to snap at some point and DD is old enough now to start picking up on some of the horrible things he says. For example I asked him if he remembered a specific food from the 80's and he said "I wouldn't know I wasn't raised in a ghetto" then of course my DD is asking me what a ghetto is 🙄

OP posts:
EmotionalSupportPotato · 02/12/2024 17:06

Omg yes call him out. Tell him that was rude. He's a prick

Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2024 17:11

Just fix him with a hard stare and say "thats rude"

Hatty65 · 02/12/2024 17:12

I'd say loudly, 'It's a pity you weren't raised with any manners! You were obviously dragged up, wherever you came from'.

He's rude.

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Families
MissyB1 · 02/12/2024 17:18

Just a loud “How rude!!” Every time he does it. Then turn your back on him.

ohyesido · 02/12/2024 17:19

That is utterly rude and condescending. Does he think he's better than his wife and her family? I once dated a man like this who seemed to think it was a given he was higher class than me and made remarks about how lucky I was to be seen with him. I was out of that so fast.

In your shoes I would simply not acknowledge him if he makes a comment like that. If you don't react he will just feel foolish after a while

RickiRaccoon · 02/12/2024 17:23

I don't think you have to directly 'confront' him if you don't want to. Just making a surprised or distasteful face straight away and then very obviously stopping interacting with them can be effective. Otherwise, you know his MO is to criticize your family as classless so be prepared with "Well, at least we have manners/ At least we were taught manners".

Solent123 · 02/12/2024 17:25

you need the classic 'did you mean to be so rude'

FumingTRex · 02/12/2024 17:27

Is your surname Adams? If not then i think you just need to tell him directly but in a helpful manner that people are finding it rude.

Original poster
Tryingtomakeitthroughtheweek · 02/12/2024 17:32

FumingTRex · 02/12/2024 17:27

Is your surname Adams? If not then i think you just need to tell him directly but in a helpful manner that people are finding it rude.

No and not even close 😅 he definitely means the TV family. I'm not brave enough to ask which one he thinks is me!

OP posts:
thistimelastweek · 02/12/2024 17:33

You know what Dave? That stuff wasn't funny fifteen years ago and it's even less funny now.
We've just been too polite to say.

PearBears · 02/12/2024 17:42

Take the piss but dress it up like a joke it's the only way I think.

If he calls you Adams family say "Oh yes and you can be Cousin It! What with all your fluffy body hair"

If he says he wasn't raised in a ghetto say "Ooh yes I forgot, your highness, how dare I suggest you sullied your gut with this peasant food" followed with hysterical laugh.

Pretend you are playing along it will make it a lot less fun for him.

Cherrysoup · 02/12/2024 17:46

Think I’d be pulling him up on his obvious snobbery every time by asking him why he thinks he’s so superior. He sounds horribly rude, or possibly very insecure, so needs to make himself feel better by being derogatory about your family. Wanker.

LookItsMeAgain · 02/12/2024 17:58

I'd retort "Better to have grown up in the Addams Family than with the Shameless family" and walk away.

He should know what you mean by that comment.

TidalRiver · 02/12/2024 18:17

I don't think I'd see the Addams family comment as rude, exactly. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense, unless you all trail about in black being macabre and live in an ornate Gothic mansion. I mean, I don't think 'going to see a family member in hospital' exactly cuts it as a parallel?

I think this is the kind of remark which calls for a puzzled air and an 'I don't understand -- what do you mean?' as many times as necessary.

FiftyPenceWorth · 02/12/2024 18:20

Cheeky bastard, who does he think he is?

Have a remark ready for the next time he says anything derogatory about your family eg 'Ooh, hark at Hyacinth Bucket, forgetting her manners again'. Or make him explain himself 'What exactly do you mean by that, Derek?'

Original poster
Tryingtomakeitthroughtheweek · 02/12/2024 18:30

TidalRiver · 02/12/2024 18:17

I don't think I'd see the Addams family comment as rude, exactly. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense, unless you all trail about in black being macabre and live in an ornate Gothic mansion. I mean, I don't think 'going to see a family member in hospital' exactly cuts it as a parallel?

I think this is the kind of remark which calls for a puzzled air and an 'I don't understand -- what do you mean?' as many times as necessary.

I don't really get it either tbh, I think he means we're a bunch of odd balls (which is ironic as some of his family are genuinely very odd - but obviously I'd never be rude enough to point it out)

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 02/12/2024 18:33

Well that's the mistake you're making. You should come straight back with: as opposed to your family do you mean?

TidalRiver · 02/12/2024 18:33

Tryingtomakeitthroughtheweek · 02/12/2024 18:30

I don't really get it either tbh, I think he means we're a bunch of odd balls (which is ironic as some of his family are genuinely very odd - but obviously I'd never be rude enough to point it out)

Show quote history

Then I think that's the way to get him. Look puzzled, say 'I don't understand your parallel, Nigel. What do you mean?' ['Yada-yada' from BIL] 'No, that still makes no sense. Have you actually seen any of the Addams family films, Nigel? Maybe try Wednesday on Netflix if you're that interested?'

TiramisuThief · 02/12/2024 18:34

FiftyPenceWorth · 02/12/2024 18:20

Cheeky bastard, who does he think he is?

Have a remark ready for the next time he says anything derogatory about your family eg 'Ooh, hark at Hyacinth Bucket, forgetting her manners again'. Or make him explain himself 'What exactly do you mean by that, Derek?'

He does sound like he's got a bit of the old Hyacinth Bucket about him, desperate to make sure that you know he's more impressive.

JoBoJoBo · 11/12/2024 19:07

What is his surname ?What job does he do? I would make up a rude name for him in retaliation relating to his name or profession.

WendyA22 · 11/12/2024 19:12

Tryingtomakeitthroughtheweek · 02/12/2024 17:05

Not sure this is the right place but couldn't find a Family Board.

Sister has been with DP for around 15 years, there's a 13 year age gap (he's older) when they first met they both seemed to really enjoy the dynamic that she was a young clueless chavy girl from a council estate and he was molding into something better like some Eliza Doolittle wannabe, tbh it was laughable as he wasn't exactly sugar daddy material so we just ignored it.

A few years after they met my sister needed her appendix out and had to stay in hospital a few days longer than expected, my Mum mentioned to him that we would visit her in the hospital as she was getting a bit fed up and asked what times he was going so we could work around him and his work, he said he hadn't planned to visit her as the nurses were taking care of her and didnt want us all trooping in like the Adams family. He was obviously very pleased with this joke as its stuck and he'll often to say to my DH if we are doing something together for the day "Enjoy your day stuck with the Adams family, ha ha"

This weekend I had Mum, Sister, Aunty and Nephew stay and he said it again to DH in earshot of everyone else, DH was annoyed so he just frowned and walked away.

They live over an hour away so we're not in each others pockets but having DC of a similar age we try and spend time together and Im finding myself bracing for the next nasty comment, I've mentioned to my sister that he's rude but she just makes excuses and says he doesn't realise he's doing it??

Im normally so blindsided I can only thing of clever things to say afterwards.
I hate confrontation and I normally try and ignore rude people but Im going to snap at some point and DD is old enough now to start picking up on some of the horrible things he says. For example I asked him if he remembered a specific food from the 80's and he said "I wouldn't know I wasn't raised in a ghetto" then of course my DD is asking me what a ghetto is 🙄

Tell your daughter what a ghetto is. Then tell her that anyone who implies that is an idiot and needs to be ignored.

LisaJohnsonsFacebookMole · 11/12/2024 19:39

Sounds like he has been on a power trip ever since he started dating your sister.

KandiKane1 · 11/12/2024 19:40

I think I'd give him the hard stare, click my fingers "Addams family" style, smile at him and walk off....

Sassybooklover · 11/12/2024 19:41

Essentially he thinks he's more superior and wants to make sure everyone knows it, by making digs at your family. I would, as suggested by another poster, make comments back like 'Oh well, you're part of the Adams family now as you married X, so who are you, Uncle Fester'? You need to beat him at his own game. If you come back with quips (I know it's difficult on the spur of the moment!) eventually he'll realise his digs aren't working. He's a knob, but he's probably not doing it to be rude, it's a power thing, trying to make sure you all know he comes from better. In some ways, I'd say he's insecure as it's more of an inferiority complex.

80skid · 11/12/2024 19:47

How's about "did you mean for that to sound so rude?"
He sounds like he has a serious issue with feeling superior. Does your sister feel inferior? Are they happy?