BiL is rude - Confront or ignore?

[Tryingtomakeitthroughtheweek]

Not sure this is the right place but couldn't find a Family Board.

Sister has been with DP for around 15 years, there's a 13 year age gap (he's older) when they first met they both seemed to really enjoy the dynamic that she was a young clueless chavy girl from a council estate and he was molding into something better like some Eliza Doolittle wannabe, tbh it was laughable as he wasn't exactly sugar daddy material so we just ignored it.

A few years after they met my sister needed her appendix out and had to stay in hospital a few days longer than expected, my Mum mentioned to him that we would visit her in the hospital as she was getting a bit fed up and asked what times he was going so we could work around him and his work, he said he hadn't planned to visit her as the nurses were taking care of her and didnt want us all trooping in like the Adams family. He was obviously very pleased with this joke as its stuck and he'll often to say to my DH if we are doing something together for the day "Enjoy your day stuck with the Adams family, ha ha"

This weekend I had Mum, Sister, Aunty and Nephew stay and he said it again to DH in earshot of everyone else, DH was annoyed so he just frowned and walked away.

They live over an hour away so we're not in each others pockets but having DC of a similar age we try and spend time together and Im finding myself bracing for the next nasty comment, I've mentioned to my sister that he's rude but she just makes excuses and says he doesn't realise he's doing it??

Im normally so blindsided I can only thing of clever things to say afterwards.
I hate confrontation and I normally try and ignore rude people but Im going to snap at some point and DD is old enough now to start picking up on some of the horrible things he says. For example I asked him if he remembered a specific food from the 80's and he said "I wouldn't know I wasn't raised in a ghetto" then of course my DD is asking me what a ghetto is 🙄

Fire it right back - every single time.

‘I wasn’t raised in a ghetto.’
’True. You look like you were raised in a zoo with the wildebeests’.

’HaHa, something something, Adams Family’.
’Fuck off, Shrek’.

Don't pussyfoot around him. Don't bother trying to think of and remember sharp retorts, simply reply "You are so rude about this family, who the hell do you think you are? Turn around and leave. I would not waste my time on him. Tell your sister you and your family will only socialise with her.

Yes, that's a good one. Or "You know, it's funny, nothing screams lack of class like accusing other people of having no class."

Or "Are you actually trying to be rude, or do you just have filthy manners?"

“Derek, you were a cunt 15 years ago, and I thought by now you might have grown up, but no, still a cunt.”

Next time you see him, make sure you reference Peter Kay and the Uncle Knobhead sketch and going forward refer to him as Uncle KH; there's one in every family and clearly it's him 🙄

Tell him you LOVE the Addams family - they are all too nice to make cracks at other peoples expense! (I used to teach a family therapy class and used clips from the Addams family to illustrate what healthy families look like - solid relationship between the parents, who are totally into each other as husband and wife, not just mum and dad. Extended family, all of whom take an interest in the children. Clear direction and limits on the children where needed. Expressed care and attention to all family members. Honest communications. I could go on....).

He obviously means it as an insult, but tell him you love them and laugh - people like him will enjoy it if you get upset.

How about just respond directly; 'sorry lovely, I know you think this is super funny, but we don't really get the joke? I mean it comes across as a bit superior and rude, which I'm sure isn't your intention, but maybe you could drop it now? ' and then get him to makes the brews and move on

I wouldn't have been able to control myself 15 years ago nevermind now!
What a cheeky fucking twat he is!
If your sister and her family are such chavvy peasants to be around why doesn't he fuck off?

ho you silver spoon cunt who do you think you are calling Adams family.

you might think you’re superior but you know and everyone else Knows you are and always will be a a creepy weirdo. You might not admit it but you know and we can see you know.

then look him up and down and snort slightly derogatorily like he a bit of shit on your shoe and walk out the room.
maybe even call casually after I’m putting the kettle on <BIL NAME> do you want a cup? He won’t be able to compute the scathing retort combined with immediately behaving as if it’s never happened.

on a more serious note though you’re dh needs to actually call him out at the time as he is trying to draw him in as a them team being stuck married to the scum and your dh not pulling him up makes him think it’s ok.

Oh just start calling the rude fucker Uncle Fester

Tell him his Ghetto manners are showing!! Poorly bred, ignorant n rude. Also does he realise he is discriminating against a whole lot of people due to race, religion, poverty and or social background.

Just refer to him as Uncle Fester the racist within your family, loudly from now on

You have to deal with this rude dude for years to come so don't descend into rudeness yourself.

Ignore him.

saying - That's so rude - to his rudest remarks.

saying - What's wrong with the Adams family? No one is perfect and every one has their querks.

Try to make light of it and include asking your husband, and other men folk in the family, to respond foremost to call out a comment as rude. (Or take him out the back and ask him to find his manners near the children.)

You could try all this but you don't want life to esculate from one rude person whom everyone clearly can see as obnoxious, to all the family being rude to each other.

I don't think any of the suggested comments will work as that's obviously what he enjoys , the reactions .

Best to completely ignore whatever he says and say nothing , he'll tire of it with nobody commenting at all .

@MayaPinion fuck off shrek 🤣

Clearly he won’t think it rude so time to start. Sis what are your Christmas plans? That weird uncle isn’t coming is he?

Agree with this.....say you don't understand his comment. Could you explain what it means? Pursue it politely repeatedly asking him to explain as you don't see the connection? When explanation is offered, say maybe you don't realise how rude that is. We've given you the benefit of the doubt for X years thinking you are socially awkward but on hindsight realise you are just a really rude person.....let it sit at that and every time he says so.ethi g similar again, each and every family member should say the same thing.....he will get the message!

Your poor sister must listen to some patronising and condescending cr*p from him and maybe it's worth checking in privately and in person to see how things are going for fer in the relationship. She could be isolated by him and browbeaten by him

In my experience, when people do this, everyone present is embarrassed and rushes to cover it up by joining in with another smart arse remark or laughing or just carrying on talking as if it didn’t happen.

I’ve done this and it genuinely works: let the remark drop into absolute silence. Nobody say anything or do anything or have a facial expression for an uncomfortably long period of time.

Then watch the fucker scrabble.

You can choose how long you want to wait before you rescue the situation by starting to talk again.

Yes this x

Call him a nonce

His family doesn't do Christmas apparently - his mother goes abroad with a friend to the Gambia for two weeks over Christmas (she leaves the husband - Step DF to BiL at home)

Just stop saying blindsided FGS

My DH is pretty posh and I am not. He has a friend who is fucking rude, yet thinks it is funny (or something). I have put up with it for 18 years. Now I just exclaim; 'Bloody hell Richard! Who forgot to teach you your manners?!'.

It shuts him up and last time he went a bit red.

I agree with this and also it can be hard to come back with a comment in the moment. I can think of lots of things to say after but in the moment I'm rubbish.

What works best for me is just look at the person with slightly raised eyebrows and make a Hmmm sound (with zero expression in it), hold the look for a couple secs and then look away.

Start referring to, and calling him, Uncle Fester.

You could have fun with this.

Snap.
"Widows and orphans! We need more of them."