Had meeting with school about 4 year old son

[pom123]

Last week school asked me for a meeting about my 4 year old son. He's been in reception since September.

His class teacher was in the meeting and the family support worker.

It's really horrible, but he suffers from temper tantrums in school. He loves reading and learning in general, but his class teacher says he has great problems transitioning between processes. So when the class does activity A and they're asked to do activity B now, my son very often has temper tantrums. Sometimes he takes his shoes off and throws them. :( I feel really awful about it.

My son has already been to the headteachers office a few times.

It was decided in the meeting that the school would work with behaviour charts and rewards with him, reinforcing good behaviour. Also giving my son hugs, because this is what works for us at home when he has a meltdown.

They said that although he's August born, they don't normally see these tantrums in children his age anymore.

So they want to see if positive reenforcement works and if that doesn't work, they want their Senco to assess him if he has any special needs.

What can I expect from this? I'm kind of scared everytime I pick him up from school now, because I know there will be another complaint about what he's done.

He's not misbehaving every day, but I get a complaint roughly twice a week.

The school said they thought it was very positive that I supported them and that it was a positive meeting with me, but I'm extremely worried.

Does he struggle with transitions at home? Like leaving places? Is there anything else in his behaviour or responses to things around him that stand out?

I have nothing to offer constructive to offer but what I will say is schools are totally snowflakey these tells and tell you stuff that would not have been mentioned to our parents and as a result, in my opinion, make most of us paranoid.

Would a now and next board work for him? Maybe with a timer to give him an extra visual cue of the transition

so “now choosing, when the timer runs out we are going to tidy up”

or even a now, next, then same principle but “now choosing, next tidy up time then carpet time”

make sure the instructions are clear and he is warned in advance a transition is coming. If he is in the middle of something then told to stop it may be hard for him.

This is what I was going to suggest.
Now and next board, visual timers for when something is finishing or verbal countdowns if that works for him.
With DD I do 10/5/2 mins then a 5-1 countdown. Sometimes I know she will be ok and I can start at the 2mins but for something like soft play I start at 10mins.

They could all be used in a whole class way so he isn't singled out.

I think I would have mentioned to parents if any 4 year old pupil had taken off their shoes and thrown them in temper.

Does he do this at home? Have problems switching between activities I mean?

Yes. I don't think any teacher would ever have ignored this.

The SENDCo suspects that your DS might have ASD/ADHD, OP. It's great that they are meeting with you and discussing next steps.

It took me too long to get DS1 diagnosed, but he is now excelling in school. He had the same difficulties as your DS.

I used to use a visual timetable with some children although not necessarily as extreme as the OP describes. Pictures of all the activities set up in order and removed as we finished them. It helped to know what was coming next.

He does, but I just always thought he was being naughty and that the tantrums were normal for his age

It isn't normal I'm afraid.

Did nursery not raise concerns?

As upsetting as it may seem, I think it is good that they are trying to talk to you about this now. Hopefully you'll eventually get some answers or behaviour change.

My DC constantly took shoes off at school at that age. Turned out they had sensory issues due to ASD and were bothered by the seams of the socks.

They told me he had tantrums, but said they were able to improve his behaviour by giving him timeouts and reacting understanding and kindly, rather than shouting

What can I expect from this? I'm kind of scared everytime I pick him up from school now, because I know there will be another complaint about what he's done.

Support I would hope.

Going through something similar with my child who was diagnosed with autism before compulsory school age, and thr SENCO and teacher have managed to get a one on one for my child, and are documenting his struggles with transitioning, the disruption to his and others learning, the barriers to accessing the curriculum, and a wider training organised for all staff to understand how best to accomodate autism at school including a reduced timetable (second year, resitting reception), and all off this is being documented across Assess Plan Do Reviews as evidence to challenge the LA to name a specialist provision on his EHCP.

There are specialist provisions that focus on different things, so things like social communication and interaction, social emotional and wellbeing, physical need, medical need etc, and we've already been assessed for which is my sons primary need as regardless of setting it helps point the school in the right direction.

Autism diagnoses rightfully take time to acquire as they need to be sure behaviour is present in all settings and cannot be justified by another condition, as well as ensure that your child meets the triad of impairments and will struggle because of these differences. All professional reports can help access an EHCP which is what the SENCO will help you acquire.

A diagnosis should take away the stigma that the behaviour is naughty and is instead communication.

what I will say is schools are totally snowflakey these tells and tell you stuff that would not have been mentioned to our parents

Totally untrue.

Id say the opposite, teachers sweep a lot of bad behaviour under the carpet.

I could tell a few stories relating to angle children who hit, stole, bit etc and not a single work to the parents. Especially known aggressive parents.

I would say, you have nothing to lose by working with them. DA will now know that you are communicating - I would add you would like a thumbs up in collecting your child if they had a good day and reward that with praise.

So there’s a balance.

A now and next board
Visual timetable
Advance warning for change of activity.
Remind him, when he has to stop an activity, there will be another time tomorrow.

And why @Sirzy said.

If there are additional needs it’s a good thing that the school is working with you and able to offer help and strategies to reduce the angry behaviour.

So how do you manage his bad behavior at home ? Are there consequences ?

i was you 10 years ago when my son was 5- I dreaded collecting him from school, afraid to hear what he had done - mostly screaming tantrums. I had been such a goodie two shoes in school so did not expect to have to deal with that.

my son was diagnosed with autism at age 5 and the school helped him in lots of little ways that transformed his behaviour- like movement breaks and now & next boards. I had his parent teacher meeting the other week and all his teachers said his behaviour is very good, no issues whatsoever. He is probably more polite than a lot of others! He is also doing well in all his subjects. If he had grown up in the 60’s or something he probably would have been expelled long ago.

It is normal for many children that age to behave like this at home with their own parents- at least all my did- plus my nephews and nieces. They grew up, matured and learned more appropriate behaviour with help. The difference with my son was that he behaved the same in public - he didn’t moderate his behaviour or have concerns about what the other children might think.

My other 3 children were raised the same and never had behaviour issues.

I recommend looking at this:
https://themighty.com/topic/autism-spectrum-disorder/rebecca-burgess-comic-redesigns-the-autism-spectrum/

Your son is very young, and the reports of his behaviour should not come as "complaints". Nobody you spoke to should have directly stated that they don't see this kind of behaviour much among other children unless they were trying to tell you that there is a need for SEN assessment and the way they chose to do it was very clumsy. That alone shows they have little knowledge or experience of dealing with a child who needs support. I'd be disappointed in this school, tbf.

There is clearly some emotional dysregulation at play here, and this is probably made worse by the regimented / scheduled classroom. Reward charts and catching him being good are a crock - this isn't necessarily deliberately misbehavior and won't work at all if he has a SEN. They are framing it the wrong way and I would have very little confidence in their ability to handle your child.

He's too young for school

Pull him out and have him start next September

Sorry, lost my last paragraph - push hard for the SEN assessment, and read up on best practices for ADHD and AS management yourself.

Don't let your child be subjected to a disciplinary approach when this may well be a SEN issue.

Are you able to give the school ideas on how you stop these behaviors at home?