Had meeting with school about 4 year old son

[pom123]

Last week school asked me for a meeting about my 4 year old son. He's been in reception since September.

His class teacher was in the meeting and the family support worker.

It's really horrible, but he suffers from temper tantrums in school. He loves reading and learning in general, but his class teacher says he has great problems transitioning between processes. So when the class does activity A and they're asked to do activity B now, my son very often has temper tantrums. Sometimes he takes his shoes off and throws them. :( I feel really awful about it.

My son has already been to the headteachers office a few times.

It was decided in the meeting that the school would work with behaviour charts and rewards with him, reinforcing good behaviour. Also giving my son hugs, because this is what works for us at home when he has a meltdown.

They said that although he's August born, they don't normally see these tantrums in children his age anymore.

So they want to see if positive reenforcement works and if that doesn't work, they want their Senco to assess him if he has any special needs.

What can I expect from this? I'm kind of scared everytime I pick him up from school now, because I know there will be another complaint about what he's done.

He's not misbehaving every day, but I get a complaint roughly twice a week.

The school said they thought it was very positive that I supported them and that it was a positive meeting with me, but I'm extremely worried.

i agree about reward charts - they worked to a some extend with my son -but ultimately if he felt overwhelmed then he lost control of his behaviour and would take a bit of time to cam down. He needed his day structured so he stayed emotionally regulated. If the school saw stress levels starting to rise they would take him off for a walk or a trip to the sensory room and reset him.

I also think that reception can be a nightmare for some children - especially those who are neurodiverse. Ds really struggled in reception because it was less structured, very noisy at times and a lot of distractions in the room.

when he moved to year 1 he much preferred the clear structure and less noisy times

@pom123 how do you feel about the possibility your son is Autistic? It's ok to reject this in your mind. It's a hell of a lot to take on,to deal with and just skip off accepting.

The school see signs and are reluctantly raising this very gently. Many parents reject the suggestion and can get upset. I don't want to offend Autistic people here but I want to be supportive of you OP. This is a lot to take on for many. It was for me. Its useful to read up on it. The link the poster attached above is helpful. Your child probably doesn't fit certain stereotypes so it isn't immediately obvious to you.

Behaviour at home can be quite different to behaviour at school. In fact, many ND kids can appear like different people in one body. I apologise for seeming patronising. My son is like this.

I would definitely take up the offer to assess and look to them to help because it's difficult to get the assessment without school support.

The school will tiptoe alot on this because they're trying to handle it delicately and will be used to parents not realising. I didn't until almost secondary school.

Btw - the school probably cares mostly about handling the suspicion regards Autism with you the right way more than anything else! It's not that they think you're rubbish and need to discipline better. From the scenario you describe, I think they're probably trying to help rather than the schools who fob you off.

I would have thought it should be the other way round - the teachers are the trained professionals with access to other professionals so they should have strategies they can try at school and share with the OP.

It works both ways, and what works in one setting won’t necessarily work in another anyway. But the key to the best outcome whatever is happening is school and home working together

I'd suggest they use now and next type system for him as a PP suggested, or timers/countdowns. Or just reminding him "We are going to do ABC for another five minutes and then move on to XYZ" and then remind him again when it gets to a minute "One more minute and then we will move onto this activity" etc. Any changes to the normal routine, they inform him beforehand, not thrusting them on him there and then.

My son has a timer on his table - counting down the minutes until the class ends - secondary school. It really helps him cope with classes he hates.

Is your son ND? Is it a watch timer. I'm trying everything to help in secondary but it's difficult. I see alot of sense in this idea!

they have school ipads and he puts a timer on that - so he can see it ticking down.

My son is 15 and has autism but coping well due to the help the school gives - all those little things that make a big difference.

@SuperSleepyBaby that sounds a great idea. I bought my son a watch to use but he's not focused enough on it to set timers.

I agree. Some of the smaller things can be huge accomodations for the individual. .

Their expectations of a 4yo are far too high.

Bless him … he is only 4 years old. Sometimes I think we expect too much of them and I don’t think children should start school until they are 5 years old.

it Might help to try giving him a time warning at home that something is finishing and if it helps suggest they try it at school.

Sorry this has already been suggested.

My dd struggle so much the first half of her first year and I tried everything they gave me. But when all failed her teacher asked what we did st home. Some of what we did at home was actually able to be done in class. It didn't change everything but we all saw changes for the better. Just hoping maybe what worked for us could work for op. It was amazing to see the difference in happiness and ease of being off to school.

Teachers will be aware of lots of strategies but it takes 6 weeks of trying each one and only one at a time to see if it works. If the parent can say I give him a 5 mins, 1 min and last turns warning and that help then it’s consistent for the child and is more likely to have an immediate impact.

He's obviously behaving differently to other children the same age or the teacher wouldn't have noticed. You might be opposed to the idea but most children in this country do start school at 4 and the vast majority settle in easily and enjoy it. The OP's child is different to the others so she should accept advice and work with the school who are more experienced. I don't think anyone is wanting to punish the child.

Struggling with transitions is extremely typical with ASD.

In DS's case warnings were crucial, ie 5 minutes until we need to do x so you need to finish off what you're doing now. Then possibly another warning at 2 minutes.

This could be a complete game changer at school for your DS. Any kind of visual timetable of what is happening during the day may also really help.

I don’t think anyone is talking about punishing him? I am probably of a different generation to you but my children started school when they were 5 years old and think they were better able to cope with school.

Being four is also being four.

Move to Scotland and start him at six.

I agree ,4 is far too young.

I sent mine to school at 5 1/2

A lot of countries don't start school till 6 or 7.

It's too long a day for young children

I think this is so much better for children. But I think it would have crippled me. I was broken by the time school came around because my physical and emotional resources were running out.

I found keeping DS in school from 4 the best thing for him because he had a year to settle and then also got the opportunity to resit reception in the same class and his struggles were identified a year ahead of where he would have if I'd waited till compulsory school age.

At that time I didn't know that a year on we'd be looking at specialist provision so having a year of additional evidence has really helped us. Not saying OP will be in the same boat but I do think it will help even if on a small circle level it will feel like it isn't helping much day to day.

Did have a lot of moments where I considered withdrawing and didn't know if what I was doing was best for DS but glad we stuck through.

It sounds promising to me that OPs DS school have identified that there could be struggles rather than throwing harmful and often shameful labels his way for things he simply may not have the capacity to change and will work with and not against him.