If you don't have a problem with confrontation, tell me your perspective

[Darkdiamond]

I really, really dislike it. I mean, I will approach things with someone if I really have to but my voice will be all shaky and my heart will be racing.

If someone is rude or confrontational towards me, I get very easily intimidated and my heart starts racing and I begin to shake at once. I try so hard to hide these signs of fear but my words get garbled and I can't think straight.

In saying all of this, I don't deal with confrontation very often. I think I have a lot of soft skills and can relate to lots of different types of people well, so issues tend to get smoothed over before hey have started, if that makes sense. I would also say that I am generally very confident in every other way (chatty, outgoing, quite bubbly etc) and don't think people realise I'm like this, so I don't think I give off any 'easy target' vibes (which I know I must have given off in my teens as I remember people being horrible to me a lot when I'd no confidence back then).

However, when it happens, I go to pieces within seconds. When I was a child/teenage, i remember I could never question my parents as I got the 'who do you think you are?!' shpeil and any time I confronted anyone I felt so embarrassed as they were always mentally faster than me and would always chew me up and spit me back out again (verbally) when I tried to defend myself. I think I always had a subconscious fear of them hitting me if I provoked them too much (even though I've never been on the receiving end of violence from anyone).

Recently in work, someone was really confrontational with me for the second time in a row and I felt it was personal (they were absolutely fuming over a very trivial issue when I am otherwise very good at my job). They were very controlled but I felt the anger seething out of them. I felt very intimidated, and my other colleague who was present agreed that their tone was absolutely horrible and unnecessary. I reported them and my boss spoke to them about it and now they are not speaking to me.

I would have liked to have handled the situation myself, and I would have liked to have followed it up to clear the air but now when I see this person, my heart starts racing and so I actually couldn't have a conversation with them and don't want to be alone with them.

I wish, wish, wish I wasn't like this. My mother always told me I was far too sensitive and took myself too seriously (eg, calling her out for making fun of me etc). I have lots of happy, healthy friendships with kind, caring people, my homelife is quiet, harmonious and full of laughter and love. My worklife, apart from this, is also very happy; I feel like I am well respected and liked, and I know that I do a good job. However, I also know that I am quite sensitive to feeling under attack and it just upsets me so much when it happens and how pathetic and powerless I become.

If you're the opposite of me, how and why? How can I toughen up? I'm in my 40s! I thought I would have grown out of this by now. Everyone said that by my 40s I wouldn't care what people thought of me any more but that hasn't happened.

Help.

I’m interested to know as I am very like you.

I am aware this probably comes from or was exacerbated by abuse as a child in my case.

I’m always fascinated by people who don’t seem bothered by it and study friends and colleagues who can be confrontational without great pain to themselves.

I can do it when I really have to but I will be shaking and then it will take me ages to recover.

I think it would be very unusual for someone to actively enjoy it.

I have to resolve conflicts as part of my job, so you'd think I wouldn't have a problem with it, but there's a big difference between being involved in a conflict where there are certain ground rules which everyone has to abide by (i.e. a legal dispute) and something that concerns more personal differences. When it's a personal difference there's no guarantee about how someone will react. I hate, for example, asking someone to stop using their phone in the quiet carriage, because nine times out of ten they'll become abusive. So most of the time I'll sit there and seethe but do nothing about it. Or move. Or if I can't move, do something that will annoy them more than whatever they are doing to annoy me.

When it's an interpersonal conflict at work or within the family, I prefer to deal with things head on and as quickly as possible, before it has a chance to escalate. But you can't always guarantee that they will play ball. I recently had an absolutely horrible confrontation with someone, which didn't need to be anywhere near as difficult as it was, but because the other person had been avoiding it for a really long time it just got out of hand in about 30 seconds. So I definitely think it's better to calmly explain to someone why you don't appreciate whatever it is they have done, at the time rather than leaving it to fester, and then move on as quickly as possible.

In a work context there's absolutely nothing wrong with asking your manager to deal with it though. That's part of their job. Your colleague might be angry but it sounds like the way they spoke to you was inappropriate and this is just the consequences of their own behaviour coming back to bite them.

You sound like a really lovely person and friend. Please, please do not toughen up. Embrace who you are and all your wonderful qualites. You value, peace, harmony and friendships above everything else - that’s a beautiful thing!

Imagine being seething with controlled rage about minor insignificant things!

ps. I don’t love confrontation but it doesn’t phase me, but I love kindness etc more!

Yes, absolutely! Then I need to do a full post mortem of the confrontation with my husband and all of my friends, one by one, until I am satisfied that I have a consensus that I wasn't the one I the wrong.

I think deep down, I don't feel like I have the right to defend myself as it's just 'Darkdiamond and she just overreacts about everything anyway', when really, I've chronically underreacted to nearly everything my entire life.

I can confont my husband about things no problem, as he is very calm and will listen to my perspective and take accountability without any issues. Similarly, when he comes to me with something, I don't feel frightened and I know he just wants to sort it out from the outset and will accept my apology without punishing me first with unkind words or silent treatment. Etc. I want him to feel like I'm his safe space to express his feelings, and he feels the same about me and our relationship is very healthy and loving.

When people come at me about anything (with a certain tone), I'm terrified. Obviously in work, there have been the odd situation when a boss has come to me and said 'Hey Darkdiamond maybe next time you should do xyz instead of abc' and that's totally fine (and I'm open to constructive feedback to always ensure I'm getting better at my job). I know it's not personal and for the greater good.

But anger and strong negative emotions. I've a big problem.

This brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you.

I think it probably stems to childhood. Either parents being abusive or incredibly reactive to any pushback from you. For me I remember confronting a friend over something they did that was not very nice (upon reflection they bullied me) in around year 9 and I basically lost my whole friendship group (who were not really my friends at all) but it has definately made me so sensitive and scared of confrontation I think for fear of losing friends/relationships.

My dad also knew how to always "win" in an arguement so again I think I just learnt to find ways to avoid conflict.

My DH however is not afraid of confrontation but he has a childhood where no matter what he did he was always wrong and his young sibling was always right so I think he learnt he may as well say what he thinks.

What do you mean by confrontation? Sometime it may be just blunt. How to solve things if people can’t communicate disagreement.

I wouldn't say I actively enjoy it but NOT confronting someone when they've done something to annoy/ upset me has typically been an issue for me as it can eat away. Of course there are good and bad ways to confront. But this has probably not done me favours in my younger years when I over confronted. So I tend to be a bit more measured these days and raise things more gently.

Focus on solution, rather than people.

I tried to explain that I have no problem with thrashing things out calmly with someone. As I said, i think im approachable, a good listener, im reflective on my own practises/conduct and also think im a good communicator. My husband actually told me that I've taught him so much about conflict resolution and I think I can handle disagreements very sensitively and diplomatically and am often told this.

If i feel that someone is picking on me or taking something out on me, it's different. If someone comes at me all guns blazing I really, really struggle and go into flight, fight or freeze at once. I'm not averse to being challenged, but it's how it's done.

I try to, but when someone seems very angry or hostile I can't get past that.

I'm sorry about your friend.

Absolutely yes to any pushback being shut down. This went on into adulthood. Once I remember saying to my mum (in my twenties) 'do you remember that thing from my childhood? I know you didn't mean it that way but it was very unhealthy and it has impacted my mental health through the years'. She didn't speak to me for 6 months and I had to go grovelling back and pretend that wasn't really what I meant.

My kids get angry with me and I just say that they can talk to me about anything, including anything I've done wrong but to try to communicate it respectfully. Then I will listen and apologise and try to explain my perspective but acknowledge it was wrong. I always say 'thank you for trusting me with your feelings about this'. I do not want them to he like me but I can see my daughter naturally is, no matter what I do!

Someone like you colleague has 1) clearly built whatever issue up in their head and 2) seems to have some sort of control issue where things must be done their way, I’d imagine. So firstly, I’d see this confrontation as a them problem.

On a related note, if it’s a professional capacity, try and see things as not personal. Although it’s pretty unprofessional for them to be confrontational at work, you can still remain professional, calm, not make personal remarks and crucially, not take things personally. You doing something wrong at work doesn’t mean you’re a shit person, someone thinking you did something wrong at work doesn’t mean you did, take a step back and realise you don’t have to fall to pieces because it’s not a reflection on the whole of you.

Secondly, generally you can avoid a lot of assumptions and second guessing by being a bit more to-the-point and straight talking in your daily life. This doesn’t mean confrontational, it will actually avoid confrontation in the first place. People won’t need to confront you about something if they already know what you’re thinking.

For example, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying ‘oh, I disagree’ or whatever - it’s healthy conversation and how better ideas come up. Nothing worse than everyone having to pretend to agree on an issue and silently disagreeing. Disagreeing ≠ rude.

A lot of it comes down to being sure of yourself and having self esteem.

Christ, I could have written this. I'm not a cryer at all but when confronted (at work) I get the shakes and end up sobbing. It all feels so personal. Watching for the responses!

Its interesting because what you describe in your OP are two unhealthy communication styles:

1. Yours- which is passive and ends up putting you into fight or flight mode
2. Your colleagues which is aggressive and typically works by dominating others/shouting others down

Neither is healthy because neither method actually gets the issue fixed. You dont need to become someone else, what you want is to adopt the healthy approach to conflict resolution which is being assertive. Assertive is a way of standing up for your needs whilst still respecting the other person and this is the healthiest communication style.

It sounds like your fear of it came from childhood which is very common, we end up with a script that its wrong for us to have needs because they are typically met with anger. I would look into EMDR for the feeling of freezing when someone confronts you, there are lots of resources for this online so you could even start now. I would also look into books/resources on this for ways to boost your own self esteem.

One thing that is helpful to recognise is that conflict itself isnt unhealthy- it's actually very necessary. Noone would ever be able to express they were unhappy with anything if it wasnt, what is important is the WAY it's dealt with. Conflict is a natural and vital part of life and when it's handled properly can really improve relationships.

Some helpful resources that look at communication styles and how to handle conflict are: 1. Jefferson Fisher, he is a lawyer who himself hd anxiety and he makes lots of posts on SM about how to handle difficult conversations. 2. Evy poumpouras who used to work for the FBI who gives great advice about body language and how to project yourself assertively.

What's important there is to recognise thats it's not conflict that is the problem, it's the way people are communicating it. Dont be afraid of conflict, if someone is furious and angry then what I would say to them is "I am happy to discuss this issue with you to see if we can resolve it, but I m not discussing it until both of us are able to be calm and to hear each other's point of view so maybe we can take a break, grab a coffee, and come back to this in 10 mins" and then I would take some space. Its pointless trying discuss anything when someone is in the throes of wild anger because they are so defensive they wont hear what you are saying anyway. It's like arguing with a drunk person.

In our brains we are still the scared little kid. Your emotions aren’t coming from an image of yourself as a capable adult, they are coming from a metal image of yourself as a scared powerless child. You feel frightened and helpless knowing you can’t win either way so as a survival mechanism your brain avoids putting you into what it feels are life and death situations.
Its because all these emotions are childlike that they are larger than life, one dimensional and quite crippling. They don’t have any adult nuance or insight.

What you’re describing - shaking, your heart racing - sounds like you’re having a fight or flight response. It’s a primal, physiological response to a dangerous situation. When your brain registers a threat to your safety it tells your body to release adrenaline. That floods your system preparing you to fight or run. Your liver releases its energy store to give you a boost. It also gives you all those physical symptoms you mention. The trouble you have speaking and thinking in these situations is also a symptom of fight or flight - your body is running on instinct.

The problem is that while the fight or flight response is really handy if you’re going to have to run for your life it’s triggered when your brain perceives something as a threat to your safety. If you’re feeling anxious it can cause your brain to kick off this reaction and it only makes you feel worse.

If you want to address your response a workbook on cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) might help you to desensitise yourself to the kind of office conflict you’ve described and help you to feel more in control. It’s about teaching your brain that whatever is happening isn’t a real threat.

I know you have something that you want to solve but it is the person in your work who was in the wrong. The emotional response was unprofessional and they weren’t in control of their own behaviour. They are the one with the problem, not you.

I would like to reiterate that I don't have a problem with conflict as such, it's when it is done a certain way.

I am open to discussion, to disagreement, to correction but when it comes at me in a certain tone, I feel frightened.

There was a lot of lose when speaking up as a child. I knew my mum would fall out with me and it was horrible.

I don’t mind confrontation. I don’t particularly like the sort of confrontation you’re talking about finding difficult, but it doesn’t normally bother me. For a start, I don’t value random people’s opinions that highly most of the time, so someone criticising me isn’t that big a deal to me because, after all, what do they know! But also, if someone is being combative, it’s almost always to do with something else in their life. It’s about them wanting a fight/trying to make themself feel good by putting me down/having emotions they don’t know how to deal with, not about me being whatever they’re accusing me of being.

I think competitive sport as a child helped me not be phased by it. But I’m also really self-confident. I’m good at what I do. I know I act with integrity. I know I don’t have to agree with others (and that they don’t have to agree with me). So if someone criticizes me for who I am, I mainly just think they’re wrong!

I had a job in the past where I’ve had to deal with quite a lot of abusive and violent people and I discovered (thanks to brilliant colleagues who were happy to mentor) that looking past the hostility to work out what someone’s actually trying to achieve is a helpful way of approaching it. So are they just trying to get you to agree to something? Are the trying to undermine you? Are they mean and trying to hurt you for kicks? Are they having a go at you to distract from something else? Working out what their intent is rather than what their words say can help you understand what’s really happening and so give the words the weight they deserve.

Also if you find your heart is racing etc. then focusing on those bio-mechanical stress markers and calming them down can help you feel less stressed (e.g. doing things like breathing slow and deep to slow your heart rate).

Even just the snippets you say about your childhood make your parents sound awful, I would consider counselling to look at your relationship with them and I think you might be horrified at how dysfunctional and unsupportive they were. Your mother not speaking to you for six months for questioning something I think is horribly controlling.
If you understood where your fear comes from I think that would really help.

Yours- which is passive and ends up putting you into fight or flight mode

I didn't start off passive. To begin with I was explaining my reasoning for doing things a certain way and offered a few alternative ways which may have worked better, but still using my system. Then I realised that it wasn't about my work, it was a power play and that's when I shut down. She told my boss that I had an attitude when she spoke to me, but I know that's because I just froze and ended the conversation.

any time I confronted anyone I felt so embarrassed as they were always mentally faster than me and would always chew me up and spit me back out again (verbally) when I tried to defend myself.

I think this is a really common feeling; my wife and best friend both have said they feel the same way.

I'm a naturally bolshy person, and am the youngest of four from an argumentative family. I grew up honing my arguing skills, and so I have the confidence to take on anyone in a confrontation and know I can hold my own. I absolutely don't enjoy confrontation, but if someone is being a dick, I just cannot let them get away with it; I can't help myself.

I always say to my wife, people like me exist to protect people like her from other, more dickheaded people like me!

The world needs all sorts of people, and you will have excellent qualities that people like me lack, for example: I think I have a lot of soft skills and can relate to lots of different types of people well, so issues tend to get smoothed over before they have started.

Then I would request a third party present next time to mediate- it's completely unreasonable for someone to unleash a tirade of anger at work. We all have a responsibility to keep our emotions in check at work and it's highly unprofessional of her to do that. It also isnt going to solve anything.

I used to work on a psych ward and whenever someone started shouting at me I would lower my voice tone, speak slowly and at a lower volume level. However, I wouldnt back down, I would repeat my point of view calmly.
There are lots of de-escalation techniques like this that really work when someone is angry. However, if this is a regular thing she needs to be spoken to by management as you cant go around doing this at work.

For a start since of what you frame as confrontation isn't. It's being assertive. My opinion has worth, and how something impacts me matters, so I will voice that, not in a shouty emotive way, but calmly and clearly. I don't get anxious about that because there's no outcome to be frightened of, someone might disagree with me, that's fine!
I've also worked in an environment for many years where I've been threatened, screamed at, had things thrown at me, been swung at and have been assaulted. That I've been trained to handle and as per pp I try and look past the behaviour and recognise they're not angry with me as a person they don't know me, they're angry either at something else, themselves or what what my role represents to them. The adrenaline does kick in but you can harness it, I never show it even if I'm scared because it will increase the risk to me. Over time that becomes ingrained and you don't get the same fear response as you do with your first hurrah.