If you don't have a problem with confrontation, tell me your perspective

[Darkdiamond]

I really, really dislike it. I mean, I will approach things with someone if I really have to but my voice will be all shaky and my heart will be racing.

If someone is rude or confrontational towards me, I get very easily intimidated and my heart starts racing and I begin to shake at once. I try so hard to hide these signs of fear but my words get garbled and I can't think straight.

In saying all of this, I don't deal with confrontation very often. I think I have a lot of soft skills and can relate to lots of different types of people well, so issues tend to get smoothed over before hey have started, if that makes sense. I would also say that I am generally very confident in every other way (chatty, outgoing, quite bubbly etc) and don't think people realise I'm like this, so I don't think I give off any 'easy target' vibes (which I know I must have given off in my teens as I remember people being horrible to me a lot when I'd no confidence back then).

However, when it happens, I go to pieces within seconds. When I was a child/teenage, i remember I could never question my parents as I got the 'who do you think you are?!' shpeil and any time I confronted anyone I felt so embarrassed as they were always mentally faster than me and would always chew me up and spit me back out again (verbally) when I tried to defend myself. I think I always had a subconscious fear of them hitting me if I provoked them too much (even though I've never been on the receiving end of violence from anyone).

Recently in work, someone was really confrontational with me for the second time in a row and I felt it was personal (they were absolutely fuming over a very trivial issue when I am otherwise very good at my job). They were very controlled but I felt the anger seething out of them. I felt very intimidated, and my other colleague who was present agreed that their tone was absolutely horrible and unnecessary. I reported them and my boss spoke to them about it and now they are not speaking to me.

I would have liked to have handled the situation myself, and I would have liked to have followed it up to clear the air but now when I see this person, my heart starts racing and so I actually couldn't have a conversation with them and don't want to be alone with them.

I wish, wish, wish I wasn't like this. My mother always told me I was far too sensitive and took myself too seriously (eg, calling her out for making fun of me etc). I have lots of happy, healthy friendships with kind, caring people, my homelife is quiet, harmonious and full of laughter and love. My worklife, apart from this, is also very happy; I feel like I am well respected and liked, and I know that I do a good job. However, I also know that I am quite sensitive to feeling under attack and it just upsets me so much when it happens and how pathetic and powerless I become.

If you're the opposite of me, how and why? How can I toughen up? I'm in my 40s! I thought I would have grown out of this by now. Everyone said that by my 40s I wouldn't care what people thought of me any more but that hasn't happened.

Help.

This:

I can confont my husband about things no problem, as he is very calm and will listen to my perspective and take accountability without any issues. Similarly, when he comes to me with something, I don't feel frightened and I know he just wants to sort it out from the outset and will accept my apology without punishing me first with unkind words or silent treatment. Etc. I want him to feel like I'm his safe space to express his feelings, and he feels the same about me and our relationship is very healthy and loving.

And your final paragraph in the quote above, show that you have managed to build yourself an incredibly emotionally-healthy relationship and family despite your upbringing. You should feel very proud of yourself.

Also, @Darkdiamond, this may sound like a strange question, but how tall are you? I'm not quite 5 foot 2, and in my experience, small women tend to be more bolshy. It's almost like a defence mechanism to make up for our lack of height.

I'm very like this, including the upbringing part! I struggle with it, although I find it easier at work as there are expected standards of behaviour and I can ask someone to join a meeting as a third person if I'm particularly worried.

What helped in a recent example, not at work, was mentally ticking off a list of how the other person was being really irrational and demonstrating her own insecurities.

I also find it a lot easier to face conflict if I'm defending my child or my DH, than myself!

I am the opposite to you - my go to is conflict and I have had to learn to dial it in over the years. I also had a daughter who is very similar to you so had to do some coaching to help her stand up for herself earlier in life. Things I found useful;
/if you know the confrontation is coming or you are starting the convo then role play it in advance - if they respond with ‘x’ what will you say to that.
/Try to practice relying on you own judgment- what matters is not what someone else thinks about you but if YOU know you are justified and reasonable (hard I know) - you can’t control other’s behaviour, only your reaction to it
/If their behaviour is a problem for you but not for them and they can’t see your point of view, then try to find some way to make it their problem - they will only be incentivised if they have to live with consequences
/Unfortunately, some people are just bullies and the only way to deal with that is to make the consequences of taking you on too great - this is where high-conflict me excels. I never shout or name call. My go to is what I like to call ‘the stupid question’ - Act like you are stupid so ask a question everyone knows the answer to. Bullies don’t like their behaviour being brought into the open. Difficult to explain in a message but for example if in the situation you had at work there were more than one of you involved, I might try ‘x and y as well as I were responsible for this - why did you choose to express you unhappiness only with me?’ The answer obviously is that it is because you are the easy target, but they can’t give that answer. It puts them on the spot and they don’t like it. Or another example if they choose the middle of the office to start the rant: ‘why did you not raise this matter yesterday when it happened rather than wait until you had an audience of 20 people?’ again the answer is ‘in order to intimidate you’ which cannot be stated. A tricky one to master this but it is what I’ve found most effective for those who like to get their own way via intimidation

I'm not afraid of confrontation but like many others on here I really don't like it. Like you, I will always try to meet people halfway but I don't think this is common.

I'd say it's very much rooted in childhood experiences and relationships. As a child, my feelings were often dismissed and I was often shouted at for the smallest of things. I consequently made myself very small and quiet. I was the epitomy of a good girl. It has not served me well. I've learnt to speak up but often get things wrong socially which causes problems.

I'm also not able to react quickly in the moment. I've accepted that is just how my brain works and try to avoid situations where I have to react on the spot. I'm much better if I have time to reflect on the issue, process it then respond. I suspect I'm not neuro typical.

I'd try to reframe the situation. Just because the person in work is bolshy doesn't mean they are right or have control over you. It could just be their communication style is abrasive in comparison to yours. Try to drill down into exactly what they are saying. Could you ask them to put it on email so you can respond that way? People who are good at their jobs I'll vary their communication style to suit others. Respect is earned not demanded.

Following with interest as I am exactly the same. I know it stems from a childhood where my dad was always angry about something trivial but instead of dealing with the situation in a cal measure he would simply stop talking and stomp about the house - once didn’t speak to me for 3 weeks because I’d left a glass on the draining board. We used to know from the way he opened the door when he came home from work whether he was in a good mood or not and I grew up in a constant state of fear of upsetting people - I still have that to a degree so tend to either be passive and keep quiet or go in hard and say things I probably shouldn’t as I know I have a short window before I freeze up. Even in situations where we’re trying to resolve the issues productively I can feel myself starting to get shaky and losing coherent thought because my body is going into fight or flight mode.

Sorry I can’t offer any advice but wanted to know you’re not alone and that you sound lovely. It’s horrible being faced with real anger like that and handled it very well even though you felt at the time you didn’t.

You’re too worried about what people think about you and it compels you to overexplain, in a logical rational way, which frankly doesn’t work when people are not interested in the explanation and just wanna fight. So it sounds like you have a deep desire to feel understood and heard.

Psychologically, a lot of people don’t have that. They don’t need others approval and they thrive on conflict. That is just the normal range of personality traits.

It sounds like you have a very safe space with your husband, so that is good.

But maybe start by identifying all the other areas where you need to stand up for yourself, and need to care less about how others will react (i.e. React towards you.)

pick them up one by one and identify

what you need to say and to who, in a neutrally stated way, about what you want and need.

Quite often the opposite of being confrontational is being passive, or even passive aggressive. And that is also irritating for people so always trying to smooth things over and avoid the confrontation, when someone else wants something dealing with, is not necessarily gonna work either.

Oh god yes!

The crimes of my youth of leaving a glass out, not wearing my slippers or twiddling my hair at the dinner table. You'd have thought I'd been brought home by the police for shoplifting based on some of my Dad's reactions to minor misdemeanours!

From my experience the only people who actually enjoy confrontation tend to be very damaged often narcissistic types. Conflict is that negative attention they had to learn to thrive on due to the early parenting environment that caused their narcissism - it is parenting that typically causes narcissism. My personal advice is don’t argue with a narcissist ever. Just do what you need to do and keep separate from them, keep communication formal and away from conversation so email/text etc to minimise the impact of their actually very predictable argument communication style where they rationalise, dismiss, deflect, invalidate, gaslight, playing the victim in problems they cause, manipulate etc. don’t take it personally remember their behaviour is triggering how a parent made them feel as a small child which they are trying to take out on you so their behaviour is about them.

For everyone else though you don’t need to get to a point where you thrive on conflict so I think it is more about getting to a stage where you can manage your emotions/nervous system during a conflict. I have done a lot of work on learning to regulate my nervous in the moment. I still have a very highly activatible system but I can calm it more easily these days.

I find taking a short breath intake and following it with my mind followed by a long slow deep breath intake again followed by my mind. You can do this and not be noticed at all. It can also give a pause to the conversation which allows for reflection. Verbally I find “agreeing” with the person whatever they said last, irrespective of whether you really agree can help - something like “you might have a point there” , it takes the air out of the conflict. Let them speak first until they have burned themself out and then calm yourself before you give your point of view. Recap neutrally on what you understood from what they said before giving your point of view. Focus on your breathe as you speak to help you stay calm.

This is most certainly an issue linked to childhood experience.
I feel like I am a house built on shaky foundations. It may look ok on initial inspection but even a small storm can demolish it.

OP you can do conflict. You clearly have excellent people skills. The best management is avoidance before it begins and if inappropriate and in the workplace escalating. Coworkers seething or struggling to keep their temper need to be handled officially as either need support or are toxic twats. You can do the toughest interpersonal relationship style conflict too - that is the hard stuff!

I wonder if you want rid of the feelings that your parents poor parenting created? It feels like you are exposed when you are upset or rendered mute as your body betrays your logical mind. This sounds like the last strand of response that reminds you of how you felt scared and belittled.

At work if you need a response could you work on one preplanned response that acknowledges their toxicity and says you won’t engage - I am finding your tone uncomfortable right now so let’s leave it and we can have this conversation later, with a third party if needed-Just literally repeat once and leave if they’re not going. But you don’t need this. They are the problem. We are conditioned to dislike aggression and fear stops us from being walloped by strangers.

I am good with people and at work rarely have conflict of any sort but I erm do challenge people all the time. The commonality is they are usually men - I only realised this fairly recently. I always thought they are more likely to be twattish which is true. Ut maybe not the only factor. I did experience some things in childhood that may have made me keen to reclaim the power back. last week it was the group in the park letting off lots of fire works a week after bonfire night, a man in a bar who pushed past me to be served first - he wasn’t - there have been so many. Objectively I am generally correct but I work on my response of not doing it. I have thrown leaflets at the EDL, have had stand up rows with the ‘it’s just a puppy’ type after their dog terrified a toddler … so many rows - usually controlled but not always. I just have fight rather than flight. If there is trouble I go towards it naturally and have to make myself do the opposite. I hate bullies too and I hate that people are lovely to me because they sense the edge. I will stand up for others if they need support and people want me on their side so there are some good elements but I wouldn’t plan on being more like me - you are a better model and at much less risk of getting walloped.

You’re too worried about what people think about you and it compels you to overexplain, in a logical rational way, which frankly doesn’t work when people are not interested in the explanation and just wanna fight. So it sounds like you have a deep desire to feel understood and heard.

Yes. I'm actually a very logical and rational person. So is my husband. We can discuss things and piece the logic together and generally come to an understanding because it makes sense, eg,

'I felt disrespected when you did xyz'
'Yes that makes sense. I didnt think about it that way at the time but I'll not do it again. Sorry'

When I see that someone is just going on emotion (anger) I get scared because irrational people are scary. This same person had a problem with me last week and kept blaming me for a problem that was her fault. I kept showing her the evidence and she just glared at me then complained to my boss, who agreed that I hadn't done anything wrong at all. I realised that she had a massive chip on her shoulder.

Then, in the recent case, I could see very early on that a calm, reasoned explanation wasn't what she wanted or was concerned about and that's when I went into a panic.

I dont have a problem with strategically working things through. I've a problem with people coming at me with aggression. I really need to look into reducing how adrenalised i get because I've clocked out by that stage and everything gets far too much. One day I'll wet myself or something!

I'm reading all of these replies, thank you so much. I can't reply to them all as my kids keep coming in and out but I really appreciate all of them, everything.

I think I need to learn how to stop the physical reaction. I do actually have the people skills to negotiate, be diplomatic hear people, put my point across in a way that isn't inflammatory and find a neutral ground but when someone is angry with me, I feel terrified and want to run away and cry, like a little child. I did cry in private after the recent thing and couldn't sleep that night.

I have got management involved and told them that i don't want her taking her problems out on me any more. She was spoken to and I was told it was resolved. I went in the next day with the attitude of having a fresh start. I had an icebreaker lined up, just a smile and a 'hi' but she wouldn't look at me and I just followed her lead.

My top boss has told me that if the hostility happens again, things will be escalated so they have my back and hopefully Jane knows that even if I'm not as assertive as she is, I still have boundaries that I'm willing to pursue via management (who are on my side).

This will all stem from your childhood. I had a similar one to you by the sounds of it. Wasn't allowed an opinion and was never to question anything or really show unhappiness generally. If I ever attempted to stand up to my mum (who could be a complete bitch at times) she would tell me how over sensitive I was. My Dad would just lose his shit and shout.

As a result I learned to just be quiet and never challenge anything. I was crap at confrontation and calling people out and was also walked all over and treated badly by my friends throughout teenage years.

I'm in my 40s now and better although still feel intimidated by my parents which is frankly ridiculous given that I could probably flatten the pair of them now!

When I see that someone is just going on emotion (anger) I get scared because irrational people are scary.

All people operate on emotion. I’m like you in that I do think things through rationally but even our logic is underpinned by emotional drives and our subconscious emotional programming. Before we had words we had emotions that kept us safe in life. We are all the same in that regard, what is different is our personality, our programming and our behaviour. So you wouldn’t dream of behaving the way your colleague did for example.

But I do think that by recognising you are not that different in your human make up but clearly way different in your behaviour might help you to feel less intimidated in an argument. Don’t set yourself too far apart recognise that she is triggered and that you can get emotionally triggered too and it isn’t that big a deal. Something happened to her in the past that situations like this now cause a big emotional response and maybe something happened in your past too that means you become terrified in the face of big emotional responses.

Your colleague sounds like an ass but even in that situation if you can learn to calm your nervous system you will still be ok.

I empathise OP. You sound like a lovely person with a lot of good qualities, good at maintaining close relationships. It sounds like you have a lot going for you and a lot that people very likely admire. Sensitivity is a really lovely quality. I don't think you need to change or ought to, other than if you want to when this is upsetting you.
I'm a quiet, sensitive, intuitive person, often described as caring, thoughtful and a good listener. I don't mind people expressing genuine negative emotions along with their perspectives or complaints to me, even if they're about me. I just listen, very attentively, empathetically, with full eye contact, to their perspective and what's going on for them, to what theyre saying and feeling, and sometimes yo shat they're not saying. I find that invariably, when people initially seem to report a trivial complaint on the surface, there's a lot more to it underneath, and some genuine, significant, relate-able problem. The more I listen - really care and listen - the more it comes out. When I really hear people it's easy to hear their point of view. What, on surface, to an outside observer, may begin appearing as a trivial angry rant almost always ends quietly, peacefuly and on good terms. I think it's essential to let someone who's feeing heated let it all out before I even think of how to respond. When I do respond, its always about them. I say things like "so, you xyz?" to ensure I understand. If they say an emphatic "Yes!" / "Exactly!" I know I'm on right page and listen more. Generally people will soon start to soften when they are listened to (and heard out) with 100% attention and empathy and with zero judgement or defensiveness.

There are exceptions to this approach. Sometimes really listening to people makes them angrier because they then start to feel like they're appearing irrational (not to me) so they walk away.

Other times, people have an agenda that they won't reveal and even if you can see it, you won't be able to get past it. They may not be interested in peaceful reconciliation at all.
Sometimes people will simply dislike you. It happens to everyone.

One of the worst things you can do with the latter groups is defend yourself. It just gives them more to work with. You can't appease a genuine aggressor. I find the trick is in knowing the difference between the two types of conflict. I have different ways of responding to latter not covered here (as post is becoming long).

I don't think you should mirror my approach. I'm only sharing it as you've asked for persepectives from people who don't mind conflict. I don't mind it because it has potential to strengthen relationships and to ensure everyone's happy. Or in the case of genuine aggressors to reveal their hand (which also makes them easier to deal with).
Honestly, though, I'd rather have your approach. It sounds like it really works for you in creating a happy fulfilling life with lots of close supportive relationships. So I'd say keep doing what you're doing. Only adapt your approach if it makes you less stressed doing so. I don't think you should attempt to force yourself to stay in situations that scare you. Conflict tends not to scare me because I'm relatively confident I can diffuse most upsets expressed towards me, or respond effectively to people who aren't interested in a genuine resolution.
Good luck.

All sounds very familiar! I remember my dad used to love sneering ‘is that you stuffing your face again’ if I made the mistake of eating between meals. When you grow up in that environment you become hypersensitive to and hyperaware of people’s moods and end up tying yourself up in mental knots worrying about how you can prevent the situation from ever happening again. Logically you can’t of course, but the weight of responsibility for other people’s behaviour is heavy.

That should have read "sometimes to what they're not saying", sorry, typo with no edit function

My dad was a violent alcoholic and I leaned never to show fear. I always stood up to him when he was in his rages and he never laid a finger on me. He KNEW I’d have his arse if he did.

iI deal with confrontation head on, but it’s no less dysfunctional than your way. Work wise I used to get shaky during confrontation but I ploughed on regardless. Be clear about the outcome you want and stick to the facts.

I understand where you are coming from, as I was that person when I was younger.

What helped me was:

Assertiveness training in my 30s (50s now)
Counselling
A lot of reading about this sort of stuff
Being a teacher means that I have had to deal with/de-escalate / observe a lot of angry and confrontational situations with staff, students and parents in my time. I have learnt a lot from watching people who are good at dealing with these situations and they are all polite, calm but assertive .
People in my family are autistic and have meltdowns so the reading and therapeutic stuff that we’ve engaged in has helped. Having to advocate for an autistic child with the NHS and education systems means that I have to assert myself a lot for my child.

However, what really made me step up is that I cannot stand the feeling of self-rage from not having stood up for myself or voiced that I was uncomfortable when situations take a turn - being passive, rather than assertive. However uncomfortable it is to stand my ground or follow-up later in an email etc , I prefer that to the feeling of being disappointed in myself and knowing that I’m boring friends and loved ones by ruminating and looking for reassurance constantly.

Finally, and I’m not being glib here, your late 40s and 50s and the hormonal changes on the horizon have the gloriously freeing effect of not caring much what others think of you and I have found that it comes much easier to me than it used to.

OP, I could have written your post, so I’m watching this with interest.

@mamaison I also grew up in an abusive household, alcoholic stepfather who very happily for me died when I was a teen. I’m the opposite to you in that I have zero issue with confrontation.

For me I was so helpless as a child in that house no one was going to make me feel like that again. I don’t enjoy confrontation but I’m not going to be bullied again.

OP you sound lovely and I'm sure the majority of us feel like you.
Your collague who shouted at you sounds extremely unprofessional and quite frankly there is no place in any team or workplace for a grown adult who cannot control their temper and resorts to shouting. It's extremely childish and smacks of emotional immaturity- she is the problem not you.
Most of us would feel intimidated and have a fight or flight response by someone shouting in our face, I know I certainly would.
It sounds like you can deal with conflict in a calm and mature way - you sound awesome.

Because I feel the alternative is to be a doormat and never voice how I feel. I’m late 30’s now and I didn’t get good at confrontation (although I don’t like that word it’s misused generally when women just mean ‘standing up for ourselves’ but for the purposes of this thread I’ll use it) until maybe 30. It takes getting used to but I now have no problem fighting my corner and life is easier

Aw thank you. The thing is, she didn't shout at me. I could sense her anger through her tone, body language and facial expression. Her voice remained at a normal volume level but I saw the rage. I grew up seeing this very quiet, controlled anger and it really set me off, especially the cold, hard, unflinching facial expression with merciless eyes (the only way I can describe them).