If you don't have a problem with confrontation, tell me your perspective

[Darkdiamond]

I really, really dislike it. I mean, I will approach things with someone if I really have to but my voice will be all shaky and my heart will be racing.

If someone is rude or confrontational towards me, I get very easily intimidated and my heart starts racing and I begin to shake at once. I try so hard to hide these signs of fear but my words get garbled and I can't think straight.

In saying all of this, I don't deal with confrontation very often. I think I have a lot of soft skills and can relate to lots of different types of people well, so issues tend to get smoothed over before hey have started, if that makes sense. I would also say that I am generally very confident in every other way (chatty, outgoing, quite bubbly etc) and don't think people realise I'm like this, so I don't think I give off any 'easy target' vibes (which I know I must have given off in my teens as I remember people being horrible to me a lot when I'd no confidence back then).

However, when it happens, I go to pieces within seconds. When I was a child/teenage, i remember I could never question my parents as I got the 'who do you think you are?!' shpeil and any time I confronted anyone I felt so embarrassed as they were always mentally faster than me and would always chew me up and spit me back out again (verbally) when I tried to defend myself. I think I always had a subconscious fear of them hitting me if I provoked them too much (even though I've never been on the receiving end of violence from anyone).

Recently in work, someone was really confrontational with me for the second time in a row and I felt it was personal (they were absolutely fuming over a very trivial issue when I am otherwise very good at my job). They were very controlled but I felt the anger seething out of them. I felt very intimidated, and my other colleague who was present agreed that their tone was absolutely horrible and unnecessary. I reported them and my boss spoke to them about it and now they are not speaking to me.

I would have liked to have handled the situation myself, and I would have liked to have followed it up to clear the air but now when I see this person, my heart starts racing and so I actually couldn't have a conversation with them and don't want to be alone with them.

I wish, wish, wish I wasn't like this. My mother always told me I was far too sensitive and took myself too seriously (eg, calling her out for making fun of me etc). I have lots of happy, healthy friendships with kind, caring people, my homelife is quiet, harmonious and full of laughter and love. My worklife, apart from this, is also very happy; I feel like I am well respected and liked, and I know that I do a good job. However, I also know that I am quite sensitive to feeling under attack and it just upsets me so much when it happens and how pathetic and powerless I become.

If you're the opposite of me, how and why? How can I toughen up? I'm in my 40s! I thought I would have grown out of this by now. Everyone said that by my 40s I wouldn't care what people thought of me any more but that hasn't happened.

Help.

How do you overcome the shaking, pounding heart and brain freeze? What strategies do you use to stop them from rushing in?

I get paid to deal with confrontational people but they aren't colleagues they are customers so thats how I do it! They vanish quickly often never to be seen again.
I do have some colleagues who simply don't care they confront colleagues they work with all the time and they just don't care. I asked one how she did it. She said it was down to where she was brought up. So I guess nice lovely people like you OP can't go back and be brought up somewhere tough. Me neither to be fair. I have got better by saying less and not apologising.

@Darkdiamond thank you for starting this thread, I can see many people resonate with your feelings and the more it goes on I am asking myself if we are the same person?!

I have had a similar incident recently in a new role and it has shaken me to the core. I have realised after years of doing risk avoidant jobs I am suddenly in the lions den as a manager and I do not have the skills and experience to deal with it.

I have been reading and researching ways to move away from this unwanted physical reaction, and many posters here have provided really great advice.

Strategies I am utilising are: taking a few breath in and out before reacting, always trying to head off issues before they happen, and after the event reminding myself that what seems like a giant issue today will not matter in the slightest in a month/years time.

I think the reason for my issue is my lack of control of the situation in the moment, coupled with an overwhelming desire to be looked well upon. therefore I am frightened of my inability to deal with an irrational person and their blame-passing approach to problem solving might make me look bad despite being very confident in my task oriented abilities in the workplace.

Gosh I've gone on a bit but thanks again and know you're not alone and you sound lovely and extremely competent.

The difficulty is “feel”, in what situation you will feel being picked on, would be tricky. We all have our own bias.

I would only be upset if the person is wrong, with evidence.If the person is right and I was wrong, then I won’t be upset.

I've never been keen on confrontation because I grew up without the need for it - my family and friends and neighbours were pleasant and well mannered people, so it came as a shock when I stretched my wings further and ran into people who were either extremely comfortable with aggressive confrontation (or had no other tactics) or took the piss in ways that needed to be confronted.

Having not learned effectively confrontation skills early, I struggled. I can do it ok now but it still makes me uncomfortable - less so if they are assholes because that relieves my guilt at acting in ways I feel to be engaging in conflict (bad!) rather than seeking to politely avert it (good!).

Just be the you, you described above. Read The Art of Peace. Some brilliant reflections in there on how to deal with conflict.

Get therapy. Seriously. It sounds like unresolved childhood issues are affecting your adult career and relationships.

I'm usually a very nice person, and won't seek out confrontation but if someone is rude to me for the no reason I've got no issue biting back, at work the day (supermarket) a customer I've never seen in my life possibly mistook me for someone else and started pointing and shouting me only me, despite there being 5 other colleagues around saying "come on, follow me I might steal something, come on." Just being a proper weirdo. He went off and came back about 10 minutes later and still was pointing and shouting at me, despite him being a 50+ year old Staffordshire bull terrier looking man, and me being a 30 year old woman. I went over to him and asked if he had a problem with me, the security guard told me to leave it, but I said no I'm not scared of him, 😂😂 I don't know why I'm like this. If customers are rude to me, I can't help myself but call them out on it.

"well that was rude"
"there's no need to speak to me like, I'm only trying to help you"
"I'm not serving you, you have a bad attitude"

Ive said it all. There's not being confrontational and there's erring people treat you like dirt

Have you thought about how you would react if this person was behaving this way with someone you love?
Defend yourself like you would if they were bullying your child?

Have a look at the Jefferson Fisher videos on FB. He's recorded loads on how to deal with different situations, exactly what to say and why.

I have definitely had the same physical reactions as you OP, and like so many other pp it is down to childhood trauma.

Any time someone shouted near me, especially men, even if it had nothing to do with me I would end up shaking. I had to examine why I was reacting as I was, and it wasn't too hard.

Every time I was shouted at as a child, I would, most of the time get hit too. So in day to day life as an adult if anyone around me was shouting I would freeze and start shaking because somewhere in the back of my mind I was expecting physical violence. Sad but true.

Once I identified where this response came from I could deal with it in a more logical way and my reactions have definitely calmed down.

Another point to make though is that people who behave in the way your colleague did choose this behaviour.
Can you imagine her behaving this way with the bigger bosses? If the answer to that is no then she basically thinks she can get away with it with you.

I had a person talk to me appallingly in the past and my friend pointed out that the person in question would never speak to her like that because they wouldn't get away with it. My friend's exact words were that the person thought I was the weak one in the herd! I would take it.

People who behave like this pick and choose who they think they can abuse.
But hearing that was like a lightbulb moment for me and changed how I dealt with future situations.

Your colleague has taken your kindness for weakness, they think you will take their behaviour and that they can get away with it.

According to my DM I have always had a very strong sense of right and wrong.
It helps a lot dealing with sexist colleagues, and with the SEN system.
I feel righteous indignation, and just go for it.
Sometimes I utilise the strategies I have learned as a professional - taking a friend or a union rep to a difficult meeting, taking notes and typing up minutes, and giving deadlines with DS school.
I would feel like I'm letting my DCs down, or other women at work, if I didn't.

I always prepare what I’m gonna say, and try to keep it short. Not word for word but in a structured way -eg first I’ll give context, 2nd I’ll explain how it affects me, third I’ll say the consequences etc. I also talk slowly so that I don’t end up waffling. I also think it’s fine to show you’re nervous. You’re human and emotions are expected. Also get a friend/family member/colleague to be with you if you’re very nervous because they can remind you if you’ve missed anything or give wider context.

In terms of nerves it gets easier the more you do it. And I always think “If my DD/DS was being treated this way how would I want them to respond”. It’s a doddle now I no have problems at all calling out behaviour.

I agree with the way this chat has gone. Just this week I had to stand up to someone. My life is gentle, so this kind of event will always be a big shake up of my nerves, but I will step up to it. I don't back down in order to avoid the physical feelings of stress.