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Original poster

Do people actually care?

60 replies

Notagooddaytoday · 20/11/2024 08:47

Hello
Sorry for odd title but I don't quite know how to express what I mean in a clear way.
Having a bad time with depression at the moment. I find I have a great few weeks and feel on top of the world then bam I wake up one day suddenly feeling horrendous. Today is that day. I was just thinking this morning about when you see on Facebook how people share platitudes such as 'my inbox is always open' and 'it's good to talk' and the like. Do you think they genuinely mean this or is it just something to say to sound like they want to appear kind. Do you think of I messaged any of the people on my friends list and said I'm struggling what would they reply? Would I just get told to pull myself together? Do they actually care in reality? I don't think I would ever reach out in this way as I'm a very private person but I was just curious to know what would actually happen. I'm actually embarrassed at how I feel although I know I shouldn't be. Sorry to offload here I just had to get a few thoughts out. Thank you

OP posts:
EdithStourton · 20/11/2024 08:52

I think they do. If a friend of mine contacted me to say she was struggling, I'd be happy to have a chat and maybe meet up.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 20/11/2024 08:52

I think they think they mean it. But in my experience they don't really. They'll talk with you so long as doing so makes them feel good. As soon as it gets taxing they'll shut it down.

hattie43 · 20/11/2024 08:52

I would certainly help if any of my friends spoke to me saying they were struggling .
As for all these wellbeing , kindness tropes n Facebook etc I completely ignore them .
Reach out to real friends .

Pancakeflipper · 20/11/2024 08:53

I think they are empty platitudes tbh.

The person I know who will listen and support doesn't post stuff like that up.

I hope you know a kind friend or 2 whom you can speak to.

And there's people on here who will support you.

EveryKneeShallBow · 20/11/2024 08:55

MrTiddlesTheCat · 20/11/2024 08:52

I think they think they mean it. But in my experience they don't really. They'll talk with you so long as doing so makes them feel good. As soon as it gets taxing they'll shut it down.

I agree

Loxiro · 20/11/2024 08:58

I agree that they think they mean it but in reality probably don’t, unless you’re close - more on that below.

I also think the saying is true “you need to be a friend to have a friend” .

And in this context I mean that I tend to share deeper struggles with people who have shared challenges with me at some point. So it feels more reciprocal rather than me dumping things on them out of the blue if we don’t have that kind of friendship.

Of course someone in a friendship has to go “first” in terms of opening up so you can’t always choose people who have opened up to you, but I think I’d ask myself even if they haven’t came to me for support, are we close enough really?

This is one of the reasons why it’s important to cultivate friendships. None of this “too busy with work and my little family to have friends” business I see on Mumsnet. And if you’re being a listening ear to friends and they’re not reciprocating when needed have a rethink on those friendships.

Octavia64 · 20/11/2024 08:59

They don't mean it.

They think they do. But they don't understand what it's really like. And they din't want to listen

Original poster
Notagooddaytoday · 20/11/2024 08:59

Thank you
It's a horrible and empty feeling. I drove past my old primary school last night and I actually thought that if the little girl I was back in the 80s skipping around that playground could see the mess she'd be fast forward 40 years she would never believe it.

OP posts:
OverthinkingOlive · 20/11/2024 09:01

In all honesty I believe other than the child / parent relationship most people only truly care about themselves

bereavedandsad · 20/11/2024 09:01

I lost my son in the summer and the number of so called friends that have never even acknowledged it yet alone checked in to see how I am is astonishing.

I think it’s just too difficult for people to deal with but it makes me feel very isolated.

Comedycook · 20/11/2024 09:02

I think there are people who care and would genuinely try to help...but that's hot nothing to do with what they put on Facebook. One of the nastiest women I know posts endless stuff like this on social media.

Divebar2021 · 20/11/2024 09:04

I don’t post platitudes on FB but I do care about my friends. I would have no problem in a friend contacting me to say they’re feeling bad. The problem for the majority of us knowing exactly how we can help. What is in the fact the best way of helping? So sometimes with the best will in the world we don’t say or do the right thing despite having the best of intentions.

Original poster
Notagooddaytoday · 20/11/2024 09:04

bereavedandsad · 20/11/2024 09:01

I lost my son in the summer and the number of so called friends that have never even acknowledged it yet alone checked in to see how I am is astonishing.

I think it’s just too difficult for people to deal with but it makes me feel very isolated.

I am so truly sorry. I have no words other than my heart goes out to you and I'm sorry that people haven't been there for you as they should have 💐

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 20/11/2024 09:04

I probably wouldn't pick up or see the importance of a "Hi, Fancy a cuppa and a chat?" message and would probably brush it off if I was busy, if someone said "Hi I'm struggling with X, Y and Z are you free for a chat" then I would. But at the same time, putting on friend and family who aren't trained when you have a diagnosed MH condition also isn't fair and they likely won't be able to give you the help and support you need. They are good for bouncing ideas off of or for temporary or light touch things but they aren't a stand in therapist/counsellor.

I don't post platitudes on SM, I grew up in a family with tricky MH issues and try to avoid where possible, ofcourse anyone can develop them but I am not the best person to help. I am solution focussed and get frustrated when the person doesn't help themselves by taking simple measure - even though I know that for them it is difficult.

BarbaraHoward · 20/11/2024 09:04

I don't think the people posting platitudes on FB mean it, no. I think they want everyone to think they're that person.

But I bet you have a couple of friends who would happily be that person for you. I would much rather my close friends picked up the phone when feeling like that.

I hope things pick up soon for you OP. Flowers

Loxiro · 20/11/2024 09:06

bereavedandsad · 20/11/2024 09:01

I lost my son in the summer and the number of so called friends that have never even acknowledged it yet alone checked in to see how I am is astonishing.

I think it’s just too difficult for people to deal with but it makes me feel very isolated.

Very sorry to hear that.

My friends live all around the world and we have long gaps in communication but I’d question my friendship if someone didn’t acknowledge something like that.

Basically I don’t think I would count them as friends anymore unless there was a valid reason -eg. They were having a mental breakdown.

Loxiro · 20/11/2024 09:08

Singleandproud · 20/11/2024 09:04

I probably wouldn't pick up or see the importance of a "Hi, Fancy a cuppa and a chat?" message and would probably brush it off if I was busy, if someone said "Hi I'm struggling with X, Y and Z are you free for a chat" then I would. But at the same time, putting on friend and family who aren't trained when you have a diagnosed MH condition also isn't fair and they likely won't be able to give you the help and support you need. They are good for bouncing ideas off of or for temporary or light touch things but they aren't a stand in therapist/counsellor.

I don't post platitudes on SM, I grew up in a family with tricky MH issues and try to avoid where possible, ofcourse anyone can develop them but I am not the best person to help. I am solution focussed and get frustrated when the person doesn't help themselves by taking simple measure - even though I know that for them it is difficult.

Edited

This is a good point. I’ve had people weigh me down and trigger my own mental health issues. People have good intentions but they also have their own limitations and may be dealing with their own stuff too. I am careful not to do with this others.

Luckymoo · 20/11/2024 09:09

I think a small amount of people care, and sometimes it’s surprising who it is, going through cancer treatment and I’ve been ghosted by some what I thought were close friends but I’ve had some truly random people step up and be an absolute rock and always there to talk to and they truely mean my inbox is always open type thing, but I just don’t think it’s the majority of people sadly and I think the ones who post about it are mostly performative.

SuperfluousHen · 20/11/2024 09:09

I’ve been going through a horrendous time, concerning one of my grown up children and her children. Tried to talk to my sister about it and she said “nobody cares”. At the time I was shocked and didn’t agree.

But her words are firmly stuck in my head now and as I reflect back on life and various trials and difficulties I realise so often it was those who you thought would be there for you who just didn’t want to know. I think she’s right -
“nobody cares”.

Tina159 · 20/11/2024 09:13

I think they mean it for certain people, the people they're closest to - not any old person on FB though like they suggest. If you're really good friends with someone then I'm sure they'd be happy to talk. I think you know though if you have friends like that or not - friends you could phone at any time and they'd answer.

I don't have friends like that and tbh when I have had very close friends it seemed like they did so much asking of me that it became too much. I prefer my friends now to not ask much too much of me and I don't ask too much of them. I prefer to keep it a bit lighter.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/11/2024 09:14

I wouldn’t ask for help from a Facebook virtue/signaller. Do you have people you usually see and are actually close to you can speak to?

typo

Original poster
Notagooddaytoday · 20/11/2024 09:18

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/11/2024 09:14

I wouldn’t ask for help from a Facebook virtue/signaller. Do you have people you usually see and are actually close to you can speak to?

typo

Edited

I don't have many friends as such as I'm horrendously socially awkward.
I'd never approach anyone on Facebook who post these type of 'inbox me' things as I'd too embarrassed to let my guard down and I can be a very private person. It was just a thought as to whether they actually mean these things when they signal them

OP posts:
PastaAndChill · 20/11/2024 09:20

I think they would reply. I'm not sure they actually care, but people like to pretend they care!

Original poster
Notagooddaytoday · 20/11/2024 09:22

I don't want to burden anyone or weight anyone down at all
I don't want other people to feel bad or upset because of me. I am aware other people have their own things going on and respect that.
I'm really embarrassed of how I am and how I feel. I'm a bit if a misfit putting it bluntly and I've struggled since teens. I'm now in my 40s. I actually don't know if I have a personality disorder along with mental health issues. I've not been diagnosed with anything.
I'm a good and kind person and I'd actually do anything for anyone. I don't know why I'm rambling here I'm sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
Notagooddaytoday · 20/11/2024 09:23

*weigh anyone down

OP posts: