Do people actually care?

[Notagooddaytoday]

Hello
Sorry for odd title but I don't quite know how to express what I mean in a clear way.
Having a bad time with depression at the moment. I find I have a great few weeks and feel on top of the world then bam I wake up one day suddenly feeling horrendous. Today is that day. I was just thinking this morning about when you see on Facebook how people share platitudes such as 'my inbox is always open' and 'it's good to talk' and the like. Do you think they genuinely mean this or is it just something to say to sound like they want to appear kind. Do you think of I messaged any of the people on my friends list and said I'm struggling what would they reply? Would I just get told to pull myself together? Do they actually care in reality? I don't think I would ever reach out in this way as I'm a very private person but I was just curious to know what would actually happen. I'm actually embarrassed at how I feel although I know I shouldn't be. Sorry to offload here I just had to get a few thoughts out. Thank you

@Notagooddaytoday if you have felt at odds with society since you were a teen then it is worth looking into autism in women. For many generations it was entirely missed and diagnosed as anxiety / depression / an eating disorder etc. only now is awareness spreading.
Ofcourse it may not be that and getting a diagnosis won't open up lots of support but it's worth looking into, many autistic people find they get on just fine with other autistic or ADHDers so may open a new avenue of connection and friendship for you.

I think many people do care and would like to help but don’t because when it really comes down to it, they don’t know what to say to help, listening, reflecting and acknowledging the problem is often all that’s needed from a friend but expecting most people to be able to advise on how to change/ move forward is difficult

The people who post that nonsense on Facebook are not the people to ask, they're the worst.

But you should have friends you can talk to, or they're not very good friends

You shouldn’t be embarrassed of how you are OP.

FWIW, I am ND , and i am socially awkward too which may or may not be related but I still have friends. Many of whom I’ve known for 1-3 decades. The right people will be OK with your quirkiness.

I think it’s important to make that a priority and it’s never too late to develop healthy reciprocal friendships. So you can be there for other people and they can be there for you too and by that I also mean being there for the good times - celebrating each others life and sharing in the day to day mundane stuff!

If you don’t have a relationship with someone beyond them being on your friends list it can come across as you’re just looking for a listening ear more than an actual friendship, which is fine but most people only have the capacity to give that to friends and family or it feels like they’re becoming an unpaid therapist which isn’t healthy for anyone.

You know your friends. It doesn't matter what they say on social media - if they are genuine Lou close to you in sure they would care. But I may have 77 'friends' on FB but I know only about three or four would actually support me in a time of crisis.

I never msgd anyone on fb or the like for help and obvs don’t know your friends so can’t answer specifically on that

I can say from being in a v vulnerable state I have been thankful for those who were absolutely there for me and quite surprised at the variations of response

a couple who have been fucking amazing, some who helped in specific limited ways but with judgement and/or conditions and others who still appear to be mia

I wasn’t expecting it but in a couple of moments of acute stress complete strangers helped me too - that was so impactful at the time and is comforting to remember in moments of inc stress even now that feeling that I mattered as a being in the world

if you reach out and do not get the type of support you want/need then do not be discouraged tho

many ppl have a lot going on that they do not share but means they are not able to support

complete arseholes being utter selfish exist but are rare ime

if you feel nervous about asking friends for support then tell them you are looking for support and can they recommend where to look for it

atm I can only provide ltd help but absolutely can manage sign-posting to other places of support

and for anything that is likely to be ongoing then ‘official’ or ‘organised’ support sources are really impt as ‘main’ sources with friends then able to help in whatever ways they can around that

I have one person I trust to really talk to and who really understands how to get me thinking about problems from a different direction.

I have another friend who wants to help but its very much 'you need to push on' type advice which is only helpful when you've managed to get to a certain point in the way you feel. Otherwise it makes you feel unlistened to.

This. I think people just post this kind of stuff to make themselves look good. Same as when they feel they have to announce every good deed they do, like on local facebook sites where people announce that they helped and old lady up who had fallen in the road and they hope she is ok etc or announce that they've donated to a fundraiser . Why ? Just do it anonymously, they are just posting for their own glory.

The one person I know on Facebook who posts these memes copies and pasted them.
One of them said

said she would be there to chat even at 4 in the morning. I did actually think of ringing her at 4 in the morning, just to see what the response would be. (Sorry, pressed too soon).

It's just too easy to post a platitude that you'd never live up to. Call me a cow but I just roll my eyes at social media platitudes.

I think realistically most people will at best have a handful of people who will support them emotionally some of the time.

For me, it can be hard to be friends or support someone who is very closed and private. Because I don’t actually know what is going on with them.

Have you tried to talk to anyone and say that it’s been a bit tricky at the moment? Not full details, but just testing the water to see their response.

And when she said “nobody cares” she included herself in that. She doesn’t care either.

In one way although I was shocked and saddened at the time I’m actually glad she didn’t pretend to care. That would be so patronising.

But it was still an awful shock to hear it from her own mouth.

So sorry you are in a trough at the moment. It's shitty.
In terms of people caring - well, you know who your friends (true friends) are and how they would respond. Others (FB 'friends') are often merely passing acquaintances who you probably don't know well enough to contact, and who are unlikely to have the bandwidth to care for a non-'bestie', so to speak.
Suspect you would get more support here in many ways.
However, please do get in touch with an appropriate MH organisation of the Samaritans if you are struggling at the moment. x

A therapist would be much better for you as nobody wants to be leant on heavily if they have a lot going on in their lives. I have shared with friends where I feel it explains behaviour they might misinterpret e.g not wanting to go out much. If it’s very sudden have you investigated links with your hormones or monthly cycle.

Please don't think you will be a burden

@SuperfluousHen do you think she said it to prevent you talking about it? I won't ask what it was but is it possible that she does care but can't cope, sometimes that happens with the really tough stuff

@Hydrangea58 the 4am friends thing appears to be a social media invention

@Notagooddaytoday I don't think people mean it. The Mental Health board here might be useful for you.

Of course they really do care.

I do think you have to be discerning and not choose the friend whose lost both their parents the last month to unload your workplace drama to for example. Sometimes people will be reasonably caring people but the time is wrong.

I'm always really really careful who I talk to regarding my personal issues for fear or burdening or upsetting people as I'm all too aware that they have problems and I totally get that the problems of others massively outweigh mine hence why I don't want to burden anyone

I put it to the test and found they care. Or quite a lot do, certainly.

When I was going through an extremely challenging time I publicly asked for help.

The number of friends who rallied around was wonderful. I’d never have got through it all so well without them.

Hi OP. You could be me.
It is really easy for people to say just call a friend and have a chat if you are feeling down, and maybe for them it is.
If you are shy and awkward to begin with then just calling a friend for a chat can be impossible, even when you are quite up and things are going well.
It is also easy for people to say, get a therapist. The thought of going through the process of trying to find one is daunting enough, never mind necessarily being able to afford one.

Yep if it's nothing to do with them or if it doesn't affect them then no they don't care. It takes a crises to reveal your true friends. That's what I found . I count two people as genuine friends now . The rest can piss off .

So true. I was living alone during the pandemic and dealing with various trauma which lead to insomnia and binge eating.

I had this one friend who had a live-in partner and various other people in her life that I didn’t and yet she chose me as her person to offload almost daily to. She even “joked” that I was her therapist (while already having an NHS therapist)

My mental health really deteriorated partly as a result of this friend , and I did tactfully raise it with her that I was struggling myself a few times, but she would just disregard what I said.

So earlier this year I just decided to keep my distance and life’s been a lot better now.

I've sent you a pm