Christmas with in-laws

[NicoleXpeters]

Am I being unreasonable?
My relationship has been extremely! Rocky since having my baby with my in-laws. From being overbearing and some very nasty comments all due to me setting boundaries.
We have baby in a good routine, and bath and bed for around 8pm this all works well as long as he naps well during the day!
We agreed before I had our baby that we would spend Christmas with my partners family, which in hindsight was a bad idea to agree so far in advance. So we discussed what would happen during the day, I assumed that because things are still very tense with his family we would go for early afternoon, do gifts, have our meal then leave to be home for around 7pm.
There home is a 15 minute drive from ours, My partner said he doesn’t want to feel “rushed” on Christmas Day and wants to sleep over. Personally I find it to be a hassle for the amount of things we would have to bring and for the fact I’d like some down time after a long day of being with his family. When I explained this he became really hostile and said “it’s Christmas why would we follow the routine on Christmas” bearing in mind my baby is breastfeed and it’s not him having to get up all through the night as when he is out of his routine it takes him a few days to get back into it. He also said his family would be disappointed that we didn’t stay until late in the evening and when I suggested that he took me and baby home then he could go back and stay overnight with them he said that’s interrupting the flow. He went on about it being Christmas ect.. but I feel as if I’m already spending my day there, all I’m asking for is to be home for a sensible time and I’m made to look like the bad guy who’s ruining Christmas, in all honesty I’d rather not spend Christmas with them as it’s our baby’s first Christmas and I wanted to spend quality time with the three of us, instead of the whole morning and Christmas even worrying about if I’ve packed everything to stay over.
My in-laws completely take over when we bring baby to there house and when they come to ours, so nap time I know will be interrupted, i want to make some memories with my baby but I feel like I won’t get a look in for the day with my baby, and I am made to feel very very guilty for this by his whole family. When I suggested that we go to there’s for gifts then go back home and have our own meal my partner said “why would I want to spend Christmas with just you?” I found that to be really hurtful and that he doesn’t see me and my baby as his immediate family. For a bit of background he has never not spent a Christmas without his family, never brought a girlfriend over bar me so I think he is struggling with the idea that the family dynamic has changed.
my family live in the highlands so it would be a full 2 nights we’d have to stay and our baby couldn’t handle the drive at all so we decided not to do that this year.
am I being unreasonable?

What a lot to unpack.
But saying 'why would I want to spend Christmas with you" is very hurtful.

Do you not drive? I wasn't quite sure why he had to take you home?

YANBU at all. I also have a husband who has never spent a year apart from his family at Christmas, but will do for the first time this year. In laws are putting a brave face on it, to their credit, but I know they are disappointed.

Your husband really needs to think about the bigger picture here and the impact on you of the baby being out of a routine. It seems he is lacking empathy and awareness a bit - I wonder why. Would you say you have fallen into the role of being the primary caregiver?

On a practical note, would it be possible for you to drive yourself back with the baby, then come and get him the next day?

I do drive but I’m not confident enough to drive with the baby in the back yet as we have to drive on the motorway to go

You still have a month to work up to this. How about setting it as a challenge, knowing that the reward of your own sofa and a peaceful Christmas night is at the end of it.

Also means you can leave exactly when you like and don’t need to coordinate with your partner, which could be especially helpful if he’s not really on board anyway.

I think your partner sounds really selfish here. Is this his normal way of approaching things?

Not the main issue but on a practical basis, it’s over a month until Christmas. Why not do some driving practice so you have that bit of independence, not just for that day? Motorways are usually very quiet on Christmas Day in any case but you would be better off if you had the freedom to drive yourself at any time.

You have a few weeks to master the motorway, get out get your confidence back and don’t rely on anyone else.

i wouldn’t wanting to be staying over at the in-laws when you live so close to them either.

YABU. You are being very rigid about nap time and bedtimes and so on. it is just one day. Lighten up. We spent many happy cases with my family when the babies were small and we all stayed up and had a drink and slept over. If my husband had demanded that we drive home and be back by 7pm, I would have been very upset. Your husband is right that it’s Christmas and he sees you every single day. It’s normal that he’d want to spend this time with extended family! think you’re being uptight, sorry

That’s all good and well when your not the one that has to stay up during the night for 3 days when my baby is out of his routine 😂

Hi OP, if it's only a 15 minute drive surely there would be another route even if it's a bit longer? Put it into Google maps and select options - no motorways and see if that's doable.

I understand you being nervous but you will feel so much more confident in yourself knowing you can leave any time you choose.

I do understand about the lack of sleep for 3 nights due to messing up of routines. I had a similar baby and people often said 'it's only one night' but they didn't understand how bloody exhausted I was, and the cost / benefit ratio when messing up the routine.

So in this situation your partner gets the benefit of the fun family Christmas he wants and you get a day feeling anxious about boundaries, worried about having packed the stuff, and 3 exhausted days after a poor routine. Which you might be up for if it was also fun for you, or you'd get support?

Only you know if you want to give your partner that gift!

I too think you are being very rigid about nap times and I also think it's perfectly natural for grandparents to want to get involved with the baby. Grandparents weren't given set "boundaries" back in the day. Of course there were limits, but new mums didn't shield their babies from extended family like they do these days or get hysterical if granny held the baby for more than 3 minutes. I do agree though, your DH's comment was unnecessary and hurtful.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. but why do you refer to baby as MY baby, there may be some underlying anxiety/control happening, how is your mental health? I was a very ridged time keeping mum with my babies as I felt it was the only way I could get some time out but looking back I wasn't very well and had post natal depression. I would absolutely do it differently and I'm completely laid back with my grandchildren. The baby is just not yours, let other people in 💛

I would hate to spend Christmas with just my DH. For me its about loads of people. The one time of year when that happens. Its not a dig at the Op he's being honest. I would say the same

Does your dh want a drink and thats why he doesnt want to drive? I would come back when you feel its appropriate. Get a taxi

This is the thing my partner doesn’t drink at all, never has 🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s 15 minutes……..

How old is the baby?

We drove from the south coast to the Scottish borders with her at 10 weeks old to avoid Xmas with either family.

Sounds like u r both stubborn, and both unreasonable.

If u don’t want to stay drive home, u can’t expect him to dive I home if he wants to stay.
Doesnt sound like a marriage that will last unless u both put serious work in.
1st Xmas is an excuse as yr child won’t remember their first Xmas and ur hubby wants to b with his family.
Good luck, u r going to need it.

Oh, hang on. AS is interesting. Yesterday the in-laws lived an hour away. And you’re already in a battle about seeing them more than fortnightly for a couple of hours.

Baby is 5 months old.

As you were told 2 days ago, you have a partner problem. Your “boundaries” are pretty arbitrary and designed to keep his family away from you and your grandchild.

For 2 years before you fell pregnant you ignored the signs as to how enmeshed your MIL was in your partner’s life. And how intrusive she was. You did it anyway. This is the bed you made.

I don’t get on with my in laws either, but every 6 weeks for the first 2 years we would drive the 5 hours to them, stay in a hotel for them to build a relationship with DD. After 2 years of no return effort we stopped. Apart from weddings, christenings, funerals and significant birthdays we don’t go. DH takes DD up a couple of times a year.

Relationships evolve. You need to work out with your partner how his needs get met in terms of his family’s relationship with the baby. It doesn’t always have to include you or be how you determine it should be.

I'd try to compromise on leaving after lunch but staying overnight as it means your DH can have a drink with his family. I'd just go to bed early myself. When it's time for babies nap I'd put the baby in the pram and set off for a long walk with the baby. DH could come or stay with his family. I'd not let them get a baby who is breastfeed out of their routine. Why would they even want to do that? Baby and their routine must come first. I'd have found it hurtful he doesn't want to spend Xmas with just you and his own baby hurtful too. Make sure you let in-laws know next year it will be your parents turn for Xmas visit. The year after hopefully you could stay home together.

A few things:

• reasonable to try to stick to a rough schedule if breaking it affects your baby's sleep - but you could do stuff like a Christmas Day pram walk?
• reasonable to break the Christmas routine - you can't be expected to stick to going to his family forever and always, your baby has two families
• unreasonable not to learn to drive safely on the motorway in time for Christmas - your baby will soon need you to take them all over the place, best just get used to it
• possibly unreasonable to leave at 7 after having been there since what, 2pm? But it depends what happens after 7pm.

It’s at his sisters so yes the in-laws 😂

I think you need to sort driving yourself and then you’ll be able to leave when you wish and your partner can stay and sleepover.

I've driven on the motorway on Xmas day and it's strange. There are hardly any other cars. One year we drove from the Midlands up to in-laws at the top of Yorkshire for Xmas day stayed overnight then drove down to Devon to see my Mum on Boxing day. I said never again. It felt like we spent all Xmas driving. This year it's up to see DS for Xmas day stay overnight then 45 mins to MiL for Boxing day, stay overnight then home on 27th. I'm doing early Xmas on December 7th for all 3 of my adult DC and DGC and they are coming to me so I don't have to drive.

I don't think it's the motorway driving. I think it's not sitting in the back with the baby.

OP I do understand this but just want to re-assure you that the baby will be OK for a 15 min drive. Get one of those mirror things so you can see them. If you live in Scotland close to me you can have my spare mirror 😅