Christmas with in-laws

[NicoleXpeters]

Am I being unreasonable?
My relationship has been extremely! Rocky since having my baby with my in-laws. From being overbearing and some very nasty comments all due to me setting boundaries.
We have baby in a good routine, and bath and bed for around 8pm this all works well as long as he naps well during the day!
We agreed before I had our baby that we would spend Christmas with my partners family, which in hindsight was a bad idea to agree so far in advance. So we discussed what would happen during the day, I assumed that because things are still very tense with his family we would go for early afternoon, do gifts, have our meal then leave to be home for around 7pm.
There home is a 15 minute drive from ours, My partner said he doesn’t want to feel “rushed” on Christmas Day and wants to sleep over. Personally I find it to be a hassle for the amount of things we would have to bring and for the fact I’d like some down time after a long day of being with his family. When I explained this he became really hostile and said “it’s Christmas why would we follow the routine on Christmas” bearing in mind my baby is breastfeed and it’s not him having to get up all through the night as when he is out of his routine it takes him a few days to get back into it. He also said his family would be disappointed that we didn’t stay until late in the evening and when I suggested that he took me and baby home then he could go back and stay overnight with them he said that’s interrupting the flow. He went on about it being Christmas ect.. but I feel as if I’m already spending my day there, all I’m asking for is to be home for a sensible time and I’m made to look like the bad guy who’s ruining Christmas, in all honesty I’d rather not spend Christmas with them as it’s our baby’s first Christmas and I wanted to spend quality time with the three of us, instead of the whole morning and Christmas even worrying about if I’ve packed everything to stay over.
My in-laws completely take over when we bring baby to there house and when they come to ours, so nap time I know will be interrupted, i want to make some memories with my baby but I feel like I won’t get a look in for the day with my baby, and I am made to feel very very guilty for this by his whole family. When I suggested that we go to there’s for gifts then go back home and have our own meal my partner said “why would I want to spend Christmas with just you?” I found that to be really hurtful and that he doesn’t see me and my baby as his immediate family. For a bit of background he has never not spent a Christmas without his family, never brought a girlfriend over bar me so I think he is struggling with the idea that the family dynamic has changed.
my family live in the highlands so it would be a full 2 nights we’d have to stay and our baby couldn’t handle the drive at all so we decided not to do that this year.
am I being unreasonable?

I do drive but I’m not confident enough to drive with the baby in the back yet as we have to drive on the motorway to go

that’s just silly.

I can understand why people don’t want quiet christmases at home - you can do that any other day, for some people a big family Christmas is wonderful.

the compromise is that you just come home if you want to and let your DH have the long loud family evening.

what you can’t do is say that you want to do that and then refuse to drive yourself home.

Why not get used to seeing extended family for Christmas.
Next year you will most likely love to go to your folks and stay a few days.

You can eat a meal with your regular household every day of the year.

Drive yourself home when it's good for you and enjoy a quiet evening with the baby.

The motorway will be quiet on Christmas Day.

You are being far too rigid. Just drive yourself home. The motorway will be empty on Christmas night. It's the perfect time to do it.

Really?

As others have said, you need to practice driving on the motorway and also find alternative routes - just in case. Practice practice practise. Make it a fun thing - singing along to a CD of nursery rhymes, chatting to your baby telling about all the big lorries you can see, any horse boxes etc, look at the yellow car!

Let your in laws enjoy the baby, sit back a bit and enjoy a rest! Obvs you still need to breastfeed and do make sure the baby gets its downtime.

Although yu are upset by what he said, your husband didn't mean it nastily, but he enjoys being around other people at Christmas. It is not as if they are around all the time. It is one day.

It’s just one day. You’re not helping yourself or the baby by being so rigid. I don’t understand the helplessness over a 15-minute journey when you’re perfectly capable of driving. If that’s not an option, take a taxi. But seriously, try to lighten up a little.

Baby carrier strapped to you for the day, and over night he needs to get up, change the baby, hand to you for feeding and then settle baby to sleep once you're done. This should be happening at least part the night anyway in general - why does he get a full night's sleep whilst you try to survive on scraps? Drives me insane that men get arsey at being expected to wake to tend to their own children.

I think you're being really selfish and far too rigid. And if the baby is unsettled for a couple of nights because it's routine has been changed, it's really not the end of the world and it can only be a good thing for a baby to learn to be a bit more flexible. But what I find amazing is that you've got a five month old baby and you've not driven with the baby in the car - how have you managed?

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to spend Christmas with the extended family. Your partner phrased this harshly but he has a point.
You sound very rigid as far as the baby's routine goes but you have my sympathy, sleep deprivation is a nightmare. My solution to this has always been that I stick to the routine wherever we are. Grandparents may want to keep the baby up late or postpone a nap, but it's not their baby - as is obvious when baby wakes during the night due to a disturbed routine. Who's got to deal with the baby then? You of course! So in my opinion, it's okay to rigidly stick to a routine even if you're not at home, because it's invariably the mother who has to deal with the fall-out. There will be more than enough time left during the day for grandparents to cuddle and play with the baby (though I get the impression you might be quite controlling about that as well..... )

Kindly, Get confident.

you have 6 weeks to practice on what can’t be more than a 10 min stretch of road

the baby will be fine in the back of a car for 15mins. Go after feed and nap change

this will give you autonomy
let him sleep over if he wants.
you sort you and the baby out

He sounds selfish and immature. My bet is that he wants to get drunk without worrying about driving.

The comment about not wanting to spend Christmas with you and baby is telling.
Normal people would be thrilled at their first Christmas as a small family.

You might want to reevaluate this entire relationship, after that.

This .

I think your first Christmas with a new baby is really special. It’s unfortunate you have already committed to going to the in-laws because in your shoes I also would want it just the 3 of you.
I do think your DH is being quite selfish. If he always spends Christmas with his family, he should be willing to accept the compromise of just going for a few hours instead this year.
I think you might have bigger problems than you think, because his comment of why would he want to spend Christmas with just you is very strange. The question you need to ask him is why wouldn't he want to spend Christmas with just you and the baby?

If you're not turning up until early afternoon, then you're talking five hours, any other time that'd be reasonable for a main meal, but on Xmas Day, I would say that was rushed. Someone will be busy cooking and have to find the right time to break off to open presents, ideally they might want to do it after the meal.. Also, whoever is cooking won't would probably appreciate some quality time afterwards sat down, playing a game, walk - whatever with guests.

I do totally understand you want to keep baby in routine, so would a compromise be to arrive around 11am. Alternatively, get some practice in now on the motorway. I would think it'll be quiet at 7pm on Xmas day, so you could drive a bit slower back. If you left towards 8pm, baby might go to sleep in the car

I'd expect a compromise! Don't agree that your DH should have it all his way and on his terms.

Book a couple of motorway lessons with a local instructor or set your sat nav to avoid motorways. It does sound like you’re finding every single reason not to compromise on this with DP. He’s being equally inflexible and so you’re just setting yourself up for a godawful row.

I'd just practice this and drive yourself home.

To be honest, sounds like he wants to be free to have a glass of wine etc and spend time with his family.

You'll need to find the driving confidence anyway (I get this, I was incredibly nervous when my little was young as she was a premie with early breathing issues and struggled with the car seat challenge so I was constantly checking she was still breathing), and it'll save the whole debate/you spending time with people you don't want to.

Just seen he doesn't drink.
Maybe he's just feeling like he'd like to make the most of being hosted by his Mummy.

That first year is tough on both of you, my DH definitely escaped to his Mum's a few times to just sit around and be served sandwiches and hot cups of tea.
I did the same!

Practice and get confident! Relying on this manchild is not the way to go.

I think you should share with his family more for the sake of the baby. It's about a child growing up with lots of people who love them, care for them and they know well. Don't prevent that because of routine over Christmas!
You sound quite uptight and controlling, but I get that if you are sleep deprived and a new mum, this might be about trying to feel more in control of your life as a mum. But it is Christmas and this is your baby's family, and as others have said you can work around naps etc and even go up to bed earlier than your DP.

Driving on Christmas day is my favourite time to drive, the roads are basically clear. Everyone is at home.

There are also more drink drivers on the roads - especially in the evening on Christmas Day.
I don’t blame the OP for not wanting to drive back herself if she is a nervous driver.

Jeez. We do nothing on 25th Dec but (usually) have a meal with each set of parents some time between Nov and March. My tolerance is about 5 hours with my own family (less with DH’s - they’re all kinds of weird) and I absolutely wouldn’t be staying a minute longer or staying over or anything else!

You can't really be rigid with a baby, imagine if they were the second or third child, any real routine goes out the window.

I do however think it's absolutely ridiculous that you'd need to sleepover when you live 15 mins drive away - but you can leave later than 7.