Christmas with in-laws

[NicoleXpeters]

Am I being unreasonable?
My relationship has been extremely! Rocky since having my baby with my in-laws. From being overbearing and some very nasty comments all due to me setting boundaries.
We have baby in a good routine, and bath and bed for around 8pm this all works well as long as he naps well during the day!
We agreed before I had our baby that we would spend Christmas with my partners family, which in hindsight was a bad idea to agree so far in advance. So we discussed what would happen during the day, I assumed that because things are still very tense with his family we would go for early afternoon, do gifts, have our meal then leave to be home for around 7pm.
There home is a 15 minute drive from ours, My partner said he doesn’t want to feel “rushed” on Christmas Day and wants to sleep over. Personally I find it to be a hassle for the amount of things we would have to bring and for the fact I’d like some down time after a long day of being with his family. When I explained this he became really hostile and said “it’s Christmas why would we follow the routine on Christmas” bearing in mind my baby is breastfeed and it’s not him having to get up all through the night as when he is out of his routine it takes him a few days to get back into it. He also said his family would be disappointed that we didn’t stay until late in the evening and when I suggested that he took me and baby home then he could go back and stay overnight with them he said that’s interrupting the flow. He went on about it being Christmas ect.. but I feel as if I’m already spending my day there, all I’m asking for is to be home for a sensible time and I’m made to look like the bad guy who’s ruining Christmas, in all honesty I’d rather not spend Christmas with them as it’s our baby’s first Christmas and I wanted to spend quality time with the three of us, instead of the whole morning and Christmas even worrying about if I’ve packed everything to stay over.
My in-laws completely take over when we bring baby to there house and when they come to ours, so nap time I know will be interrupted, i want to make some memories with my baby but I feel like I won’t get a look in for the day with my baby, and I am made to feel very very guilty for this by his whole family. When I suggested that we go to there’s for gifts then go back home and have our own meal my partner said “why would I want to spend Christmas with just you?” I found that to be really hurtful and that he doesn’t see me and my baby as his immediate family. For a bit of background he has never not spent a Christmas without his family, never brought a girlfriend over bar me so I think he is struggling with the idea that the family dynamic has changed.
my family live in the highlands so it would be a full 2 nights we’d have to stay and our baby couldn’t handle the drive at all so we decided not to do that this year.
am I being unreasonable?

He didn't.

He said "why would I want to spend Christmas with just you" which is completely different and understandable if you are used to big family Christmases.

Does seem odd you've never had your turn at spending Christmas with your family, ever though.

I agree with most that Christmas is one of those times you relax the routine and suck it up for a few days afterwards. Baby will be fine.
However as you have also said you don't particularly like your in-laws, then the obvious solution is for you to drive, and take the baby home when it suits you, whether your dh comes with your or not.

I discussed driving myself home for Christmas at around 7 for baby’s bed time, and he won’t even insure me on his car and said there’s no point in driving on the motorway for that one journey back 🤷🏼‍♀️ I tried to compromise by saying we can go at 12 so we will spend 7 hours! Bearing in mind I didn’t even want to spend Christmas with his family, after all the relationships with them are still very very tense. I still got the same answer, that I’m going to disappoint them.

100% what I'm thinking too, sounds really rigid approach.

Sorry OP but I think your partner is moving into controlling behaviour territory now. He is closing off every alternative option to ensure that he gets his own way.

I think you should take a stand and not go because this is about more than just Christmas, it is about your wants and needs being given equal weight in the relationship.

So take your car, which I presume he's insured on, and do the drive both ways if needed. Just tell him what you're doing, take total independent care of you and the baby, and leave him to his sleepover.

he won’t even insure me on his car

Do you not have access to a car?

and said there’s no point in driving on the motorway for that one journey back

What does that mean? Is he saying go on A roads instead?

Just don’t bother going, you’re too rigid . You don’t want to go and they probably don’t want you there either .

You need to get this solid routine out of your head. Routine is grand but what you're talking about seems more of a military schedule and it will go to shit at some point so you need to be flexible and go with the flow. Bed at 7 sounds wonderful but there will be times where it needs to be 8 and the world won't end.

Why are you not insured on his car? How long have you been together? It sounds like he isn't ready to be a dad at all. You need to embrace the day with the in-laws. It's the only way you'll get through it and as a family, you're gonna have many more christmases together. He sounds like a baby needing to stay over somewhere so close to be with his mammy. I'd honestly be questioning the future with him.

If the in laws are 15 minutes away you could also avoid the motorway. But you really need to work on this op, you are making your life dependant of your husband. It’s clear how your husband thinks about Christmas (sounds like he still needs to get used to the idea of him having his own family) and tbh he sounds like a copy of his parents who I believe you described as overbearing. There is something to be said for spending the entire day with the in laws (not saying you should but I can understand those who want to do this and I can equally understand those who don’t want to) but there is no need to stay the night if you live 15 minutes away. If your husband wants to sleep there, that’s his choice but he needs to respect that you want to sleep in your own bed. But don’t be so dependant upon him that you can’t do a 15 min drive to get home. Drive home with the baby yourself.

Op this is non negotiable for you.
You go and get a lift or taxi back or you don't go. He's dug into a life long position and it's sad he's had a baby with someone he doesn't see as enough to spend Xmas with.
Put your foot down, keep it simple lift insurance or taxi otherwise you ain't going.
Why would you want to spend all Xmas day and night with his family after all the issues!

It's not just about babies routine it's about you feeling uncomfortable at in laws and spending all that time there.

Solve your own problems and get insurance on the car and build up to it. One journey. The sense of independence and freedom will be immense.

I think you have a few issues. Firstly, please don't get stuck on never changing your baby's routine. It will hold you back going forwards as you'll think you can never change it and you'll miss out on other events. Also, your baby will change their routine soon anyway - that's the joy of motherhood! Secondly, has he bonded with your baby? You refer to the baby as 'my baby' I'd say you need to let him do some more of the hands on parenting. I know you breastfeed but maybe feed and then hand over to him a bit more. You do sound a bit uptight over this so if you want it to go your way, I'd say relax a little, actually plan how it would be with just the three of you and see if you can make him realize your way could be equally enjoyable. Him not letting you be on his car insurance is a bit of a red flag however. Is he very controlling?

Op, baby might be breastfed but also need nappy changes at night? On the weekend, both nights, say he can do the nappy changes and any additional walking baby around to get the hang of it before Christmas since if baby is out of routine he will have to help.

I think he is an arse, and in your shoes would tell him i agreed to Christmas and I never agreed to sleeping over, he can suggest that he starts standing up for you and letting you have some baby time while in-laws are around, if he doesn’t stand up for you these are the consequences and could he please stop with the bullshit if I’m ruining Christmas?! Especially the bit where there’s no point spending time with just us, you are making me think there’s no point spending time with your family at all when you say things like that to me.

Honestly, quit with this “I want to make some memories with my baby” bollocks already. Memories are not carefully curated insta-perfect moments that happen in a vacuum where and when you dictate. Memories happen all around you if you just get out from behind your phone and enjoy the moment. Your baby is part of a family, not your personal property.

There isn’t going to be a reasonable logical conclusion to any of this. Since you’re already the bad guy - just be direct about what you want and what you’re willing to do.

No, I’m not staying over night at your parents house. I need to breastfeed through the night and I want the comfort of my own home to do that in.

Im leaving at x time - you’re welcome to stay longer if you like, but I’m not. Then either bring your own car or arrange a taxi.

“ I’m sorry that you don’t consider me and the baby immediate family and you can’t fathom spending a holiday with just me, I’m going to have to think about that”

Then leave it. If he gets hostile tell him you won’t tolerate hostility and you’re unwilling to speak to him while he’s being aggressive. Ask him to leave the house until he cools down if it’s serious enough.

Stand your ground. When he’s ready to communicate in a productive manner he there for it.

On your last post you said your in-laws were an hour away, now you say 15 minutes. Have you moved closer to them in the last 2 days?

I also think you are being a bit too rigid with routines. As others have said, at some point your baby will suddenly change the schedule on you! We had to navigate a family wedding away from home with young twins (7 weeks old) - not the most relaxing of events, but we got through it. We both had to drive around an hour there and back too as too many people for one car. It’s Christmas, you’ll have to deal with a bit of fall out for a few days. That said, make sure your DH helps a lot more for those days - nappy changes etc. in the night can be done by him.
Cut your in-laws some slack, they will be desperate for baby cuddles. Of course you are in control of who does what and when with baby, but you need to relax a little or you’ll make yourself miserable and alienate all the family - you want your child to bond with these people (hopefully). Unless they are being particularly unreasonable obviously.
Also sort out the driving situation and insurance so that you can always do what you want to do. I would not stay over just 15 mins from home with a baby, too much faff. I have never not been on DH’s insurance and vice versa. There may be an emergency situation where this is important. My DH broke his leg on holiday so I had to drive us home in his car for example. I think someone else said this too; but you will feel so empowered by getting on and just doing it. You are a strong independent woman and can drive with a baby in the car (on a motorway or otherwise)! I’m not meaning to sound rude, I’ve given myself similar pep talks in the past! Don’t let your DH bully you - there is an obvious compromise of still going, but coming home rather than staying over. I hope he meant that he would rather enjoy a big family Christmas as that is what he is used to/wants for his child and wasn’t saying he didn’t want to spend with it with you!!!

You wrote this on 19th November. Can I suggest that you practice? It sounds like you might need to as that comment about "why would I want to spend Christmas with you?" is very hurtful and I'd be thinking longer term why I might want to spend any future Christmases with someone who thinks like that about me and my baby.

Use this Christmas as a test run for any future Christmases.

Oh - don't have sex for some time as you wouldn't want to further compound your situation by finding that you're pregnant again by this man. He would have to change before I'd be considering having another child with him.

Oh come on! Drive yourself and baby home. This whole “cant drive on motorway” is making you sound a bit needy. Don’t make dh leave when he doesn’t want to - just take control of the situation and tell him you’ll take yourself and baby home. There will be very little traffic Christmas Day.
Get the practice in now before christmas if you need to and then leave dh with his family on Christmas Day and travel home.

Some places no taxi's on Christmas Day and if there are you have pre book time and pay often double time.

If they are 15 mins away, there is absolutely no need to stay over, particularly if your DP doesn’t drink!

Staying over for the sake of driving 15 minutes...
I wouldn't want to stay over at my in-laws either as I also want to have some time in my own house at Christmas. We are always busy with work and life, it's really tiring and not enjoyable being a guest in someone else's house, especially when you don't feel particularly welcome.
The difference is that DH and I compromise on having Christmas eve as our day the 3 of us. Your DP doesn't sound as though he wants to spend any time with you, or make any compromises. That's what I would be upset about.

Get an uber back. My mum does from our house, 25 mins away and they are the same price as normal.

I think the issue is you don't want to go.
His family are your baby's family too.
Just do it this year and next year you get to choose.
Also learn to drive in motorways

This again - ‘you're too rigid’. You do what you need to do for your survival and as you think best for your baby and ignore everyone else.
I was extremely rigid and didn’t give a stuff what others thought. As an EBF mother to a child who’d had a rocky start and who just didn’t sleep very much at all I prioritised what worked for me for my survival and well being. I had no wish to get so tired again that I stopped producing milk or dropped the baby.