Accidentally fostering, and don't have a clue what I am doing

[AccidentallyFostering]

Over a week ago, one of DC's friends disclosed abuse to their CAMHS worker and then came straight to our house frightened to return home. I understand that the parents are now under investigation, and an urgent assessment is proceeding. A week later, Child is still with us, and Children's Services have only today called me back to say that it'll be another week before they can send a Social Worker round. Obviously I will do everything necessary to keep Child safe, but I really don't have a clue about what to do or what I should be doing.

The parents were screaming threateningly and intimidatingly at me at first but then phoned Children's Services to document their consent for Child being here. I think they'd realised that if it weren't for me their Child would be in Care with strangers. But I still don't understand the legal position I'm in.

I've managed to obtain from the parents Child's clothes, some belongings, all medication and information about dietary requirements and religious observances - but I'm aware that Child has huge mental health needs I don't know enough to support. CAMHS have told me a little about their mental health issues (have advised removing sharps, locking away medication etc - have done that) but I still don't know how much I should ask or how much I should know.

Child is accustomed to a lot more freedom than I would judge to be safe given their age and mental state. But given that I'm not the parent or carer, am I entitled to tell them they cannot leave the house at certain times or must come home when I tell them?

Child's dietary needs are adding to our grocery bills. All Child's appointments are costing me taxis and bus fares. I don't want to seem tight, but I'm on a limited income. Should the parents or Children's Services be providing me with money?

Parents and CAMHS are expecting me to home educate Child alongside my own DCs. Is this a reasonable expectation? And if so, who should fund it?

I'm happy for Child to stay with us over Christmas, but am I supposed to provide all the presents and cater to their traditions?

I need to take my DCs to visit family abroad soon - should I or can I take Child along too? And again, who'd pay for the airfares?

Is there anything else I should be thinking about or asking or doing?

”Put in the boundaries for the child that you would for your own child. If they were going to school they should continue to do so.”

This.

They weren't in school. Child has always been home educated, with SS agreement.

You seem very unsupported. Could you see if your local MP would get involved? They hold surgeries but you should be able to email them too. Do it before Christmas recess. Have you contacted Citizens' Advice as well?

If social care are saying to go back it could be these allegations are unfounded, this child has very complex needs. You don't sound like you are in a position to manage those long term

I get that, I do. But neither is Social Services able to offer anything much to even begin to address the complexity of Child's needs. Maybe that's not our problem, but Child wants to stay with us and we're not going to turf them out.

Shocked that SS are saying the child should return to parents inspite of abuse disclosure . Well done you for taking them in and giving them a safe space .
In a post you said you didn't want them put in care , but my head said that's not your call . Sorry if that's harsh , and I know the child also doesn't want that either , but with ss invention you'd hope they'd get the help they deserve ( I have no knowledge of ss so this is hope rather than know )

It's possible SS have met with the parents and found the child's allegations to be false.

I don't understand how they can say its safe to return the child home when they haven't even seen them! How can they possibly say the allegations are unfounded 🤬

Sorry OP, there is so little support. You are wonderful though for doing this

Where did OP say the social worker hasn't seen the child? Did I miss that?

OP you have the best of intentions. But social workers can't accommodate every child who doesn't want to be at home. Situations are often more complex than the teenager presents them as. If you want to keep them with you that's fine but it's not a foster placement as social services aren't asking you to keep them. So it's all on you. It may be better to work with the social worker, listen to their explanations and reasoning and see if you can help the YP to repair their relationship with their parents.

I hope I read it wrong tbh but the OP says she had a call and it's going to be another week before they can send someone round, then updated to say they've said the child can go back - I hope that was at least after seeing them.

It would be really unusual and absolutely terrible practice if they hadn't seen the child in that period. I'm not saying it's impossible but I wouldn't assume.

That poor child but wow you are amazing op for stepping up. I guess you just need to take everyday as it comes. Ask SS for advice here. Well done to you 👏

No, you're right. I don't think it's safe to assume they were seen either, perhaps OP can clarify.

You seem very willing to believe what this child says despite social services saying the child can return home. Perhaps you should give this situation more thought.

Well if SS have not been to see the child, or speak to OP, why should OP not believe the child? Isn’t that the starting point, to believe the child? And if Ss do not believe the child, then surely the child needs some interventions?

Who said they haven't seen the child or spoken to the OP? Lots of assumptions being made here.

Are you in a village?

Our village has a hardship fund for struggling parishioners - if you contact your local church/parish clerk, they may be able to get some funding to you?

Also food banks to top up grocery supplies?

Just a thought.

And also, well done, you are amazing. Big big hug x

Lots of people are asking me to clarify. I'm being careful what I say because I don't want to out anyone. But SS made several visits to the parents, and after that came to tell (not ask) Child they were safe to return home. I believe SS is still investigating the allegations, but that they nevertheless want Child at home whilst they investigate.

Can you give us a rough idea of the age of the child?

My DD has complex mental health issues and has self harmed in the past. Being away from her abusive dad and medication has helped a lot. The change of environment might help the child's mental health. Have they spoken to her at length before making this decisions? I don't see how they can decide shes safe if they haven't spent a lot of time talking to her to establish the validity of what she's saying. It's not like abusers come out and say we're abusive. I'd support the victim, unless I was very very sure they were making it up.

On boundaries and rules they'd be the same as for my kids, adjusting for age. You might find you can get some advice from a mental health or parenting helpline if either are available where you are. I'm sick and I couldn't home school a child, so I'd be looking to get her into the school system, but I expect that could be problematic without parental approval. How long has she got before she turns 16?. Sometimes parents home school because they are abusive, less people to notice that way. I know a lot of great home schoolers, it's not about the home-schooling itself, but IF abuse has been alleged it can be a red flag.

Eta: I thought you said child was 15 but maybe wrong.

I get it OP - you need support and advice but its difficult not to reveal too much and risk identifying the child.

You need independent support of your own in rl where you can talk through the full details.

I wish I knew of resources to suggest, but I don't, sadly. All I can think is speaking to childline or nspcc, or some kind of fostering/kinship support (maybe others have suggested upthread). I know you're not related but the issues are acutely similar to a kinship carers role, so you might find some support there. You may even find the family rights group helpful as they are knowledgeable from the kinship side of things, or may be able to point you elsewhere.

I also would be tempted to speak or even write the social team with your concerns that the child hasn't been spoken with effectively before being told it was safe for them to go home. Nothing like concerns in writing to make people sit up and listen.

Okay, so even as you're unrelated your are within "kinship care"

Def contact these people: https://frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/who/kinship-carers/

They were fabulous for my extended family when in similar situation. They will let you know whether social services are doing what they should be or not.

You OP give me hope for humanity.

Contact your MP? Your district or county Councillor ? Thats all I can think of. My mum used to be a councillor and would have kicked serious arse to get you support. Hopefully yours might too.

Just to add they have a free advice line mon-fri 9.30-3.30pm and lots of other resources, webchat, peer support forums, info sheets etc.