"A badger pooed on my doormat"... and other sentences I've never said before

[Pinknotpurple]

Morning, I had to throw away my lovely doormat that I spent ages choosing because a local badger decided it was the right spot to relieve himself. Whilst muttering to myself I realised I'd never used this sentence before, or heard anyone else say it.

What odd sentences have you found yourself needing?

This is probably not a very uncommon one on MN - very calmly to a preschool DD, "Where is your fringe?"

(It turned up about ten years later tucked inside a book)

Are you sure it was a badger? I thought they used latrines: hollows scraped out of the ground which they use repeatedly. But maybe your badger was caught short while out exploring.

Bet it was a fox

I am really sorry DD but I accidently disinfected your lizard, in my defence I was a bit distracted by the kingfisher in the kitchen.

Pretty sure nobody has ever said that before or never will again

To the cat - “why is this magpie in the kitchen? And why is he so angry?”

God,loads over the years

Son,please don't wee on your dress

I didn't feed the horse that hamburger,it's owner did

Tell me again how you got mustard on the ceiling

Dd,how did you melt the bbq?!

'I'm sorry I stepped on your chihuahua, Gomez Addams.'

😄 brilliant examples, thank you for giving me a laugh everyone

It's true, I can't be sure it was a badger as there is also a fox living nearby. The fox is quite happy for us to watch him from our windows licking dew off the large pebbles in my flowerpots on a summer morning. So that's another unusual sentence

"the fox has his drink 'on the rocks'!"

Feel the need to preface this by saying none of us are mass murderers but I did shout “has anyone seen the corpse shovel?” across the garden last week. We live rurally and find a surprising amount of dead things in the garden (as well as gifts from a visiting cat!)

“No bare bottoms on the furniture” is a phrase that I thankfully don’t use as much as I used to.

Please don't stick your finger up the dogs bum

This may be outing because I have talked about it often IRL. My oldest DS has autism and learning difficulties and he went through a phase of pica (or as it is know in our family; 'eating weird shit'.

A parenting phrase I never thought I would have to use;

'Stop eating Harry Potter!'

They run with the fox and hunt with the hound . Two faced people .

"Please don't feed the people to the giraffe: they will get stuck in his throat"

Yes, but that's a well-known phrase...?

To a terminally ill patient; 'your horse has come to visit!'
(we were on the ground floor obviously).

Oh I love these, a tiny hint of how rich life can be 😁

"Does the exorcist offer a money back guarantee?"

Similar to the OP regarding a wild animal misadventure:

“The cat has had a run in with a skunk. I need to fumigate the house. And the cat”.

(I was even supervising said cat in the yard at the time, thought he was just investigating under the hedge. Unfortunately, there was a skunk under the hedge who didn’t appreciate the intrusion. Suddenly I see the cat streak out from under the hedge straight into the house. Skunk was fine - cat was also fine, just startled and pungent)

After several recent Tory leadership changes I found myself uttering words I never thought I'd say...
"I'd prefer Jeremy Hunt".

"Please do not put Spider-Man stickers on the dog, she prefers Batman"

This is a great thread! Poor doormat though!

I love “your horse has come to visit”

I have had many ‘firsts’ with DS, but “don’t lick the dog’s nose” is up there (and no, DS is not Luke from MAFS 😬)

I'm going up the back passage to get that big trooping funnel.

No he was the one who came to the meeting in a pink tutu.

im going to work and there is a crow sitting in the dining room curtains.