"A badger pooed on my doormat"... and other sentences I've never said before

[Pinknotpurple]

Morning, I had to throw away my lovely doormat that I spent ages choosing because a local badger decided it was the right spot to relieve himself. Whilst muttering to myself I realised I'd never used this sentence before, or heard anyone else say it.

What odd sentences have you found yourself needing?

'Yep, that's definitely your father on the tv'

'Any idea where the fart whistles are?'

I've had 2:
Stop licking the dogs feet.

Stop arguing about who is better at pooing.

With my DD it was "Where is your plait?"

It turned up in the play tunnel.

Please stop arguing and share - oh no, not if its a worm!

This is my mum, not me. My dad had a video camera when we were kids (in the late 80s) and used to film everything 😂 There’s an infamous (in our family!) video taken in the café of an attraction after a day out. I was about three years old. I picked up the receipt that was on the table, started dipping in into my drink and then licking the juice off it.

My mum just gives me an incredibly withering look and says, in the most “I-am-not-in-the-mood-for-this” voice ever “Olivia, don’t lick receipts”. It became a family catchphrase 😄

We have a video somewhere of DH jumping out of a cupboard under the stairs at my Grandparents house to scare my nephew shouting
"I am Luke Skywalker, welcome to Transylvania!!!!"
Think he was confusing his movies

This is an intriguing one...🤔

"DS, that's a mouthpiece, it doesn't go on your willy"

@Chemenger I too have had to say this 😂😂

And on a similar theme....

"Dad, can you come and rescue the cat... there's a crow sitting on top of the wardrobe...."

"oh the fox has chewed my top".

I'd left laundry out over night and the local vixen took against a long sleeve top and decided to pull it off the line and then drag it round the lawn and left it in a heap with many chewed holes in it.

"Why is there a zebra stuck in the light?"
Class teddy was a zebra and he got fling around the living room until he got stuck on the light fitting.

"The horse does not want left over milkshake"
The zebra flinger felt sorry for a pregnant mare during summer 2021 and was trying to get her to drink from her milkshake straw.

To the dog: "please get your tongue out of my ear!"

If she gets too close, she will try to lick your ears!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

"I'm sorry if you heard me shout this morning but the dog snores too loud". My parents just laughed me

To the puppy and her brother, "Please don't lick your brothers penis, it's not polite"

To the toddler and his sister "No, I don't think she needs help picking her nose. Please move your finger"

“I gave a pigeon a bath in a frying pan”.

It was very much alive 😁

I'm going to need the big plunger...... after the toilet blocked again 😷🤣 some of the replies are making me laugh so much.....thank you everyone!!

I've quoted this one before - my eldest DD had a pet bantam that used to perch on her bike handlebars as she rode round the garden, like a cut-price hawking expedition. She loved that bantam, and more than once I had to shout 'DD, STOP LICKING THAT CHICKEN!'

To the cat who was attempting to snooze on the coffee table in the lounge:

'Take your head out of the fruit bowl'.

"Can you see the penises? I had them in my hand a moment ago. Oh, there they are. I left them on the guillotine"

(Penis diagrams to label for lesson on Male Reproductive system)

Oh dear I hoovered up the hamster!!! - Taught me never to cheat when cleaning out animals and not take the animal out of their cage when hoovering!!!!!

Luckily it was a Henry hoover and the hamster was fit and well running around inside the hoover when I opened it up to check.

Lol Henry ate my hamster

"There is a water rail standing in the dogs' water bowl"

@Fosterfloof I also did this with gerbils, although it was Henry sisters Hetty that was the culprit they were fine and lived for several years with no ill effects.