"A badger pooed on my doormat"... and other sentences I've never said before

[Pinknotpurple]

Morning, I had to throw away my lovely doormat that I spent ages choosing because a local badger decided it was the right spot to relieve himself. Whilst muttering to myself I realised I'd never used this sentence before, or heard anyone else say it.

What odd sentences have you found yourself needing?

😆

Mine is "I found a hedgehog in the frying pan last night"

Please explain? Please? :D

We use gentle paws in this house!!! - shouted at my cat and the neighbourhood cat who thinks he lives with us 😂

Put my mother down right now - shouted at a horse who had my mum by the collar of her jacket and was trying to shake her like a rag doll 😂

Being self-employed has its disadvantages, one of which is that your clients do sometimes ring when you are on a family day out. Which is why I once said this:
"Hi Bob....... no....... I can't talk now, I'm standing in Dumbledore's office".

"The cat has eaten the orrery."

DD (aged 8) had to make an orrery for homework. She (or, mostly, her father) had spent all weekend making it and it was truly a thing if beauty. We put it by the front door on Sunday night to be taken to school the following day. I came down on Monday morning to find the cat had eaten Pluto and Neptune and was busy chewing other planets. I thought this was definitely one up on "the dog ate my homework", especially as it was true.

It was a text as I was alone at the time but I needed to tell someone that
'I've just seen a bird eating a packet of crisps'

'Stop throwing your pants in the fish tank' & 'stop licking the millenium falcon' are our two most memorable ones - each different DC

"Please take your willy off your brother's head"

Said to twins who were friends of DC3 - we were looking after them for the afternoon and it was a lively few hours to say the least.

One of the worst was to my university students. They were analysing some data by male/female and also by age groups. Trying to be helpful I suggested,
'We'll do the sex first' 😜

Oh, another university clanger. The class were going to split into pairs for a task. I said, ''and if there's an odd number in the class there'll have to be a threesome.....'' Cue some (well deserved) juvenile sniggering. 😳

MammaKel · Today 15:01

To the puppy and her brother, "Please don't lick your brothers penis, it's not polite"
To the toddler and his sister "No, I don't think she needs help picking her nose. Please move your finger"

Reminds me of Joyce Grenfell 😁

My Dad interviewing a young female candidate for a secretarial post:

"And what do you think about the sex act?"

It was when the sex discrimination act came in - he realised he had worded it rather unfortunately when the candidate blushed. He was mortified.

"has anyone seen Australia? I left it on the kitchen table"

To my ds this summer on the way to a day out “Please remember it isn’t polite to flip other people’s sheep” He had spent the summer doing farm club where they mucked in with every farm job such as worming and learnt to show sheep and calves and sheep flipping became something he was particularly good at and loved to show others 🙄

“We never blow on other people’s halos”
while supervising a group of five year olds waiting to perform a nativity play.

Where are the poo scissors ✂️? 🤣
I keep a pair of old scissors for snipping the dogs hairy bottom which sometimes gets a bit of poop stuck to it that’s the best way to get it off 🤣💩
( I do have many other scissors ✂️🤣)

"Please get ur paw out of the washing machine"

Said just yesterday to my very helpful Labrador while I was trying to wash clothes

My current catchphrase seems to be "will you get your head out of the washing machine...!" Sometimes washing machine is substituted with fridge, cupboard, fireplace or litter tray...🙄

On the phone with my sister and she said DD can you get your sister out of the Christmas tree!

"You can wear the red pants over your jeans if you put the green ones on underneath"

"There is no need to take all your clothes off to go for a wee"

"Don't flush the toilet .......oh dear, dinosaur is gone now"

I work in a nursery. Those were just last week's gems!

Just found myself saying "you don't need to be naked to ride the horse". It's a rocking horse, but still...

Do not like the tree was a phrase I found myself saying at school!
Since, I have said way weirder things!

Ah well, you should have listened when the Baby Names thread vetoed Godiva, shouldn't you?

Haha that has definitely been said in my house but my daughter was adamant that she hadn't cut it and it blew off in the wind apparently