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I am dreading Christmas

107 replies

BrainstormGreenNeedle · 14/11/2024 17:05

I usually adore Christmas. I think it brightens up the winter and I think it's important to try and make a good Christmas because nobody knows what the future holds and noone knows what's around the corner and what may lay ahead - sickness, other difficulties, death. Noone knows and I love living it as if it's going to be the last. Usually.

Also I work hard all year and Christmas is a few days off where I can enjoy a meal, a dessert, maybe some wine and a movie or two.

This year I am dreading Christmas. It's really filling me with sickness to my stomach.

You see, I never carved out a family of my own. I have a partner but it's not going well between us. I live at home with my mother. I live in an area with poor housing opportunities. Anything that is available it's so expensive. I would have to move to mainland Europe to be able to afford rent.

I never took a dvantage of living at home. I help at home. I would provide security and company for my mother. I reckons she doesn't see anyone in her days and more. She has no social life or friends.

As she has become older, there's a bad tone and vibe from her. Every day is different. She can be rude and snarly so easily.

I can remember one Christmas maybe about 4 or 5 years ago, I can't remember if it was boxing day or new years day but she came into the sitting room and started throwing storage boxes at me and she was in a bad mood ripping down the Christmas decorations. It was the most oddest behaviour. Christmas wasn't over but she was ripping it all down. There was such a bad atmosphere in the house. I think at the time, she was acting out because I had a brother at home at the time and he was drinking a lot and hungover in his bed and she was just acting out against that. But she had me. I was sober and I was trying to do my best. She wrecked Christmas and I felt like I wasn't never really fully rested going back to work

Two christmas's ago was awful. I tried my best to put on a good Christmas for the two of us. It was only the two of us. I bought groceries. Because it was only the two of us, We went with a chicken and the usual vegetables.

I cooked a Christmas meal. I was aiming for about 3 pm dinner sit down.

At 1pm in the day my mother decided to go for a walk in the pouring rain. She came back at 2.30, changed her clothes and ate a tomatoe sandwich. She refused any of the dinner I cooked. She refused the desserts that I organised. She refused to sit in the sitting room where I had a fire going in the fireplace to watch any of the Christmas TV showings.

So I wasn't alone at Christmas but I might as well have been the way she was behaving.

Last year we had a visitor for the Christmas so she put on a show for that visitor. I remember last year before the visitor came I was ill, I was working late and I had to go to a funeral and all she could do was sternly looking around the sitting room. I didn't have any sleep. She was like a school head mistress ready to blow to find fault with any little thing.

I am dreading Christmas this year. I do t want to put any decorations up. What's the point. She will find fault with it all and literally piss on it.
I don't even want to prepare a Christmas meal. Just treat the day as of it's any other day. I was never like this before with Christmas.

OP posts:
BrainstormGreenNeedle · 14/11/2024 17:34

Bump

OP posts:
PoachedDregs · 14/11/2024 17:37

I would grin and bear Christmas then do all I could in 2025 to move out. Living with your mother sounds awful and you could be so much happier.

NanFlanders · 14/11/2024 17:40

Aww. OP, I'm sorry. It sounds like your mum has got old and difficult. If you aren't enjoying it and she isn't enjoying it, could you do something totally different like volunteering to help out feeding the homeless or something? I've known other people with difficult families do it and I understand it's often a great atmosphere.

Interested in this thread?

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GameOfJones · 14/11/2024 17:41

I agree with the PP and would also look at moving out. How old are you/your mother? It honestly sounds like if you had a place of your own you'd have a much nicer day even if you spent the day alone doing what you want to do rather than her ruining it.

You don't have a Christmas problem, you have a DM problem.

CustardCreams2 · 14/11/2024 17:50

Agree that your mother sounds the issue.

MissyB1 · 14/11/2024 17:55

You have to move out, even a house share would be better than this. You work full time, are you able to save anything at all? Sit down and plan how you are going to save up to move out.

Meantime just plan Christmas day around yourself and what you want, don't even factor her in. Buy yourself some treats and plan your TV shows

Comedycook · 14/11/2024 17:56

How old are you op?

CeeJay81 · 14/11/2024 18:00

I think like previous posters that even a houseshare is better than this. Don't feel bad for leaving your mother on her own. You have your own life to think of. Have you any other relatives you could visit or she could visit?

mrpotatocat · 14/11/2024 18:06

You HAVE to move out, no matter what. Skip this Christmas, it’s obviously not going to go well. Or go to a hotel if you can afford it.

I felt ice cold just reading your post OP. What age are you?

Orangesandlemons77 · 14/11/2024 18:09

I would take myself out for Christmas lunch somewhere and leave her to it, maybe with a friend or the boyfriend? The make a plan for the future. Even if you are renting a room somewhere it might be better.

SockFluffInTheBath · 14/11/2024 18:11

Agree with looking for a house share, why wait till after Christmas?! Ignore the drama queen guilt trip that will ensue. And bring yourself over to the elderly parents board.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents

BrainstormGreenNeedle · 14/11/2024 18:14

NanFlanders · 14/11/2024 17:40

Aww. OP, I'm sorry. It sounds like your mum has got old and difficult. If you aren't enjoying it and she isn't enjoying it, could you do something totally different like volunteering to help out feeding the homeless or something? I've known other people with difficult families do it and I understand it's often a great atmosphere.

Im completely caught off guard to be honest. My mother got me to book an online grocery shop for home delivery. One of the Christmas slots. She was even talking about Christmas and plans for Christmas dinner and what to have for Christmas. She definitely talking about Christmas and what she wants etc.

I know this. This is all talk and when the time comes it will be nothing.

So I am confused. She's talking about Christmas but when the day comes she will likely be moody and snarly.

OP posts:
AWeeNameChange · 14/11/2024 18:17

Edited as xposted 😳

I still think an open chat about it now before buying anything. If you really think it will be more of the same even with an equal effort of attitude/organising/cleaning up etc made on both sides then cut your losses and do your own thing.

Post before edit:
Any special occasions can be emotive and crossed wires or presumptions can lead to cross words or feeling disrespected.

I, for example, hate being presented with something as a fait accompli, as though my consent or agreement is wholly unnecessary.

Others might prefer to make arrangements and present it as a ‘surprise’ that the other person didn’t have to organise.

Neither is wrong really, but presenting a massive surprise to someone like me would not be a good thing - it would make me very stressed indeed!

Try an open chat with your DM, with plenty of notice and no expectations, and see what each of you think about this Christmas, you might throw up something that would work for you both, or realise your ideas are so different that finding a greater alternative (Christmas holiday away?) might be best.

Your DM may have grown to hate Christmas from that time with your DB, then felt bad about not being ready or willing to accept your efforts, then tried to make amends during friend visit - when then you were feeling so sad, ill and fed up of the whole thing.

She might be as others painted, a nasty person, but why not ask and see for this Christmas anyway, at least it will give you a clearer idea and plenty of notice to avoid another mismatch or just to avoid her.

BrainstormGreenNeedle · 14/11/2024 18:17

Hotel or Christmas lunch would be too expensive.

I cleaned up my room in recent weeks. I think I had depression and it was in a bad way but it's place I can retreat into now. So I think I might go out in the morning and spend the day and evening in my room. Or I might be able to go to a friend's house for the day. I don't know yet.

OP posts:
BrainstormGreenNeedle · 14/11/2024 18:21

AWeeNameChange · 14/11/2024 18:17

Edited as xposted 😳

I still think an open chat about it now before buying anything. If you really think it will be more of the same even with an equal effort of attitude/organising/cleaning up etc made on both sides then cut your losses and do your own thing.

Post before edit:
Any special occasions can be emotive and crossed wires or presumptions can lead to cross words or feeling disrespected.

I, for example, hate being presented with something as a fait accompli, as though my consent or agreement is wholly unnecessary.

Others might prefer to make arrangements and present it as a ‘surprise’ that the other person didn’t have to organise.

Neither is wrong really, but presenting a massive surprise to someone like me would not be a good thing - it would make me very stressed indeed!

Try an open chat with your DM, with plenty of notice and no expectations, and see what each of you think about this Christmas, you might throw up something that would work for you both, or realise your ideas are so different that finding a greater alternative (Christmas holiday away?) might be best.

Your DM may have grown to hate Christmas from that time with your DB, then felt bad about not being ready or willing to accept your efforts, then tried to make amends during friend visit - when then you were feeling so sad, ill and fed up of the whole thing.

She might be as others painted, a nasty person, but why not ask and see for this Christmas anyway, at least it will give you a clearer idea and plenty of notice to avoid another mismatch or just to avoid her.

Edited

She was talking within the past week about Christmas and Christmas dinner and she doesn't use the internet but I booked the online grocery shop. She was happily talking about Christmas and Christmas dinner.

But we have been here before.

Two years ago when it was just me and her, she was talking then and she was happy to get me to do the Christmas shop online and she was talking about Christmas. But when the day came she refused to take part in any of it.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/11/2024 18:22

I would look for a house share immediately. I don't know what the story is with your mother (has she always been like that?) but she, your drunken brother and your seemingly no help partner can all fuck off. If you are working then you earn enough to rent a room, and whereas there is always a risk in sharing...it can't be more miserable and soul destroying than your current situation.

Start looking now.

GreenClock · 14/11/2024 18:28

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/11/2024 18:22

I would look for a house share immediately. I don't know what the story is with your mother (has she always been like that?) but she, your drunken brother and your seemingly no help partner can all fuck off. If you are working then you earn enough to rent a room, and whereas there is always a risk in sharing...it can't be more miserable and soul destroying than your current situation.

Start looking now.

Agree.

hadenoughofplayinggames · 14/11/2024 18:29

Spend Christmas with a friend!

MontyPythonSnake · 14/11/2024 18:29

Have you talked to her about it?

"Hi Mum so I was wondering how you want to do Xmas this year. Do you remember last year when I went to the effort of ordering the food and cooked and then you had a tomato sandwich. What was that about?"

AWeeNameChange · 14/11/2024 18:30

It sounds very hard and possibly both of you are suffering depression in different ways.

Having a plan of what to do yourself sounds like a good idea.

Sorry I can’t think of anything else, unless a community Christmas thing via a church for more company, hope you can make it work.

Maybe give Marian Keyes alternative Christmas message a wee listen.

BrainstormGreenNeedle · 14/11/2024 18:31

I think she always lived her life through my brothers and they were the only things that gave her purpose. So I suppose it was going to translate into some sort of mental health issues or depression without them. The year the brother was at home but hungover in his room for up to a week, she just behaved Christmas was nothing because of that. As if Christmas was only for a man. I don't know.

Then the first year he was gone, she was likely depressed without him. I don't know.

It's stomach churning. I don't understand it. Can she not be happy with the fact that they are now working hard abroad and be happy with what she does have in her life.

OP posts:
BrainstormGreenNeedle · 14/11/2024 18:33

I think I will spend the morning maybe at my partner's place or helping charity or going for a Christmas swim. Then I will either go to my partner's place for Christmas dinner but I don't know about that. We are not very strong any more. I might get a turkey ready meal and just enjoy some hobby work in my room.

OP posts:
BrainstormGreenNeedle · 14/11/2024 18:35

MontyPythonSnake · 14/11/2024 18:29

Have you talked to her about it?

"Hi Mum so I was wondering how you want to do Xmas this year. Do you remember last year when I went to the effort of ordering the food and cooked and then you had a tomato sandwich. What was that about?"

She is talking about Christmas and Christmas dinner but I think it's just out of habit and routine or old tradition. She talked two years ago about it too but then turned around and wrote Christmas off. It appears as if she wants to do Christmas but I know her. She could write it off for the day when it comes. I don't know.

OP posts:
2dogsandabudgie · 14/11/2024 18:35

What does your partner normally do on Christmas Day?

AutumnLeaves1990 · 14/11/2024 18:35

I would try I would try if you can to visit friends on the day and leave your mum to it.