I usually adore Christmas. I think it brightens up the winter and I think it's important to try and make a good Christmas because nobody knows what the future holds and noone knows what's around the corner and what may lay ahead - sickness, other difficulties, death. Noone knows and I love living it as if it's going to be the last. Usually.
Also I work hard all year and Christmas is a few days off where I can enjoy a meal, a dessert, maybe some wine and a movie or two.
This year I am dreading Christmas. It's really filling me with sickness to my stomach.
You see, I never carved out a family of my own. I have a partner but it's not going well between us. I live at home with my mother. I live in an area with poor housing opportunities. Anything that is available it's so expensive. I would have to move to mainland Europe to be able to afford rent.
I never took a dvantage of living at home. I help at home. I would provide security and company for my mother. I reckons she doesn't see anyone in her days and more. She has no social life or friends.
As she has become older, there's a bad tone and vibe from her. Every day is different. She can be rude and snarly so easily.
I can remember one Christmas maybe about 4 or 5 years ago, I can't remember if it was boxing day or new years day but she came into the sitting room and started throwing storage boxes at me and she was in a bad mood ripping down the Christmas decorations. It was the most oddest behaviour. Christmas wasn't over but she was ripping it all down. There was such a bad atmosphere in the house. I think at the time, she was acting out because I had a brother at home at the time and he was drinking a lot and hungover in his bed and she was just acting out against that. But she had me. I was sober and I was trying to do my best. She wrecked Christmas and I felt like I wasn't never really fully rested going back to work
Two christmas's ago was awful. I tried my best to put on a good Christmas for the two of us. It was only the two of us. I bought groceries. Because it was only the two of us, We went with a chicken and the usual vegetables.
I cooked a Christmas meal. I was aiming for about 3 pm dinner sit down.
At 1pm in the day my mother decided to go for a walk in the pouring rain. She came back at 2.30, changed her clothes and ate a tomatoe sandwich. She refused any of the dinner I cooked. She refused the desserts that I organised. She refused to sit in the sitting room where I had a fire going in the fireplace to watch any of the Christmas TV showings.
So I wasn't alone at Christmas but I might as well have been the way she was behaving.
Last year we had a visitor for the Christmas so she put on a show for that visitor. I remember last year before the visitor came I was ill, I was working late and I had to go to a funeral and all she could do was sternly looking around the sitting room. I didn't have any sleep. She was like a school head mistress ready to blow to find fault with any little thing.
I am dreading Christmas this year. I do t want to put any decorations up. What's the point. She will find fault with it all and literally piss on it.
I don't even want to prepare a Christmas meal. Just treat the day as of it's any other day. I was never like this before with Christmas.