I am dreading Christmas

[BrainstormGreenNeedle]

I usually adore Christmas. I think it brightens up the winter and I think it's important to try and make a good Christmas because nobody knows what the future holds and noone knows what's around the corner and what may lay ahead - sickness, other difficulties, death. Noone knows and I love living it as if it's going to be the last. Usually.

Also I work hard all year and Christmas is a few days off where I can enjoy a meal, a dessert, maybe some wine and a movie or two.

This year I am dreading Christmas. It's really filling me with sickness to my stomach.

You see, I never carved out a family of my own. I have a partner but it's not going well between us. I live at home with my mother. I live in an area with poor housing opportunities. Anything that is available it's so expensive. I would have to move to mainland Europe to be able to afford rent.

I never took a dvantage of living at home. I help at home. I would provide security and company for my mother. I reckons she doesn't see anyone in her days and more. She has no social life or friends.

As she has become older, there's a bad tone and vibe from her. Every day is different. She can be rude and snarly so easily.

I can remember one Christmas maybe about 4 or 5 years ago, I can't remember if it was boxing day or new years day but she came into the sitting room and started throwing storage boxes at me and she was in a bad mood ripping down the Christmas decorations. It was the most oddest behaviour. Christmas wasn't over but she was ripping it all down. There was such a bad atmosphere in the house. I think at the time, she was acting out because I had a brother at home at the time and he was drinking a lot and hungover in his bed and she was just acting out against that. But she had me. I was sober and I was trying to do my best. She wrecked Christmas and I felt like I wasn't never really fully rested going back to work

Two christmas's ago was awful. I tried my best to put on a good Christmas for the two of us. It was only the two of us. I bought groceries. Because it was only the two of us, We went with a chicken and the usual vegetables.

I cooked a Christmas meal. I was aiming for about 3 pm dinner sit down.

At 1pm in the day my mother decided to go for a walk in the pouring rain. She came back at 2.30, changed her clothes and ate a tomatoe sandwich. She refused any of the dinner I cooked. She refused the desserts that I organised. She refused to sit in the sitting room where I had a fire going in the fireplace to watch any of the Christmas TV showings.

So I wasn't alone at Christmas but I might as well have been the way she was behaving.

Last year we had a visitor for the Christmas so she put on a show for that visitor. I remember last year before the visitor came I was ill, I was working late and I had to go to a funeral and all she could do was sternly looking around the sitting room. I didn't have any sleep. She was like a school head mistress ready to blow to find fault with any little thing.

I am dreading Christmas this year. I do t want to put any decorations up. What's the point. She will find fault with it all and literally piss on it.
I don't even want to prepare a Christmas meal. Just treat the day as of it's any other day. I was never like this before with Christmas.

It seems as if maybe my mother could be depressed or lonely without my brothers/her sons. I get it they all live abroad and far away. But they are my family too. They are my brothers but I am not depressed without them. I am trying to make the most of what I have instead of feeling down.

I would have put on some effort for Christmas this year but going by other years, I just can't. She ruined Christmas when she started ripping down decorations prematurely all because one of my brothers was hungover in his bed. Completely forgetting that she had a sober daughter at home to keep her company. All she ever wanted was attention from her sons.

Then there was a bother year where my brother stormed around on boxing day shouting about one of his shirts not being washed and she bowed to him. Yet if I behaved like she wouldn't ever allow me to pack a bag.

Another year and she used the death of someone else to not put up a Christmas tree.

Then two years ago it was only me and her and I tried to make the most of it for the two of us but she wrote it all off.

I'm not doing anything this year. I won't even put up a tree. Any when my brothers send pictures to share with her she can go to hell. She can't even use a smartphone.

I will just treat the day as if it's a day off to enjoy for myself. Nevermind about a traditional Christmas.

I dont do christmas at all i go on holiday instead coming back in the new year.

Perhaps switch your Christmas Day completely and go and volunteer in a place that does a Christmas Day for the homeless.
My friend did it a few years ago and she met her future husband there - he was a volunteer helper too.

It might be nice to help make someone a Christmas that otherwise wouldn't have one. It will make you feel surrounded by loveliness too.
(and a great reason not to stay at home all day walking on eggshells)

I can remember another Christmas where a few years ago where me and my mother, we spent the day in the kitchen cooking a Christmas meal for me, her and my brother still home. Every year I was in charge of desserts too. I had loads of goodies in the house for us all.

Dinnertime came and I called my brother who was in bed. He said he will be down soon. He never came into the kitchen and he never came down for dinner at all.

By 8 pm that evening and we realised he wasn't getting up, my mother became upset and she was angry at him. It was disappointing but what can you do about it.

The next day she was angry at me as if I was his drug dealer. As if it was me responsible for him being a drunken dick.

As if Christmas was only for a person who owns a cock between their legs.

That's absolutely beautiful. I will look into volunteering for the day. I don't drive a car and I don't think public transport will be running in my area.

If you are offering to volunteer I'm sure someone will arrange a lift there for you or pick you up on their way.
They would be so grateful of the extra help.

I had so many Christmas ruined over the past few years. I would say it would be for the past 10 years. I tolerated it reasonably well. I was never angry about it until just today really. My mother was talking about Christmas recently and Christmas shopping and dinner and I rolled my eyes and thought, not again. My mother was even talking about stocking up on Christmas treats and sweets and biscuits.

Another poster said it's abuse. That's what it is. She wants me to spend money stocking up for the Christmas which will be the two of us but she will write it off no doubt. I am just not going there again.

She showed her true colours and she believes Christmas is only for men.

If I made two nice Christmas dinners and my mother only wanted a tomato sandwich I'd be inclined to say, "Wacko, I'll have the other dinner warmed up tomorrow."

It wasn't so much about refusing dinner. Any leftovers would have been plated for another day. It was the fact that I tried to make the most of Christmas and make it good but she didn't take part in any of it. There was also another message within it from her and that because none of my brothers were home, Christmas wasn't worth celebrating. Do you know how bad that makes me feel?

OP, you’ve said that thing about ‘having to move to mainland Europe to find something to afford’ twice. It really isn’t true. You are saying it to close off the fact that you could move out to a cheap flatshare but are choosing not to, because freedom seems scarier than life with your mother, tiptoeing around her moods and hiding in your room. Christmas is one single day. You don’t need to live your entire life this joylessly.

Christmas is just one difficult day.
If you look at the bigger picture, I think you need to plan a happier life for yourself, step by step until you get there.
First consider why you're at home with your DM when it's not right for you.
It might be for financial reasons or out of duty
Start saving towards moving out and living the life you want

I think this post might be the key. That it’s not dementia as suggested (that she suddenly forgets it’s Christmas). Maybe she gets excited thinking it will be good this year, like it used to be, and then the reality dawns that it’s not. It’s not about you not having a cock OP (as you keep saying) it’s that the brothers have gone and done something. With kindness, life has not been easy for you, but it’s very hard sometimes to live with someone who is depressed. She has an adult daughter in her home who swings between not being able to tidy their room and then being full on about Christmas. You really do need to look for your own space OP, for both your sakes. If you’re only there because you have nowhere else to be then she does not have to smile and be gracious forever.

This. I had a few Christmases single as a lodger in a family home and it was tough. I did Crisis at Christmas and had a great time. And a very meaningful one.

@BrainstormGreenNeedle Maybe your "Christmas gift” to yourself should be driving lessons to open up your world a bit to you. You sound quite defeatist and seem to have convinced yourself you can’t have a life- and yet you could, as other people have said, have a flat share or surely living at home you have savings? Private renting might not be as bad as you think. Not sure where you live as you refer to “Mainland Europe” being the only affordable place to live… but have you actually looked at different areas of the UK? Look at job adverts for your line of work and see where you could go.

I agree with this. You need to stop blaming your mother and step up into adult life. Stop making excuses and just do it. There will be a way.

What was your childhood like OP? Was she always like this?

My childhood was good. I think something became apparent in my teens where it seemed she disliked me and it females. I remember one year where she flew off the handle in a crazy rage at one of my brothers bringing home a girlfriend and her sister too. They were only hanging out in the sitting room. She had no problem with them bringing their male friends but female friends and she would turn evil. I was never allowed to have any friends visit. There were so many other things I wasn't allowed but my brothers were.

I thought maybe it was a result of my father neglecting the family and poverty. Now I realise she just how's to men. I think maybe she views men as superior and the peace must be maintained at all times around men but around women, I think she sees women as weaker and just a piece of fucking filth. I don't know what goes through her mind.

I get it it's hard to have half of the family live away abroad and it must be hard for her but they are my family too and I was trying to make the most of it.

OP I have a weird mum too and things like christmases were strange, she was on her own too after divorcing my dad, and tried to get me to come home from university etc and live with her etc

The best thing I did was to get away, you sound like you feel responsibility for her happiness in some ways. It is hard as you can feel guilty with parents like this, have a look at this site as I think you will find it helpful.

https://outofthefog.website

@BrainstormGreenNeedle You have given so many examples of awful times at Xmas, I think that you just need to move on now and carve your own Xmas. Did you post just to vent? If so, fair enough. Your mum isn't going to change and I am sorry you feel she treats your brothers differently. How do you get on with your brothers?

Thought so

she sounds like my mum. Forget her at Christmas believe me don’t bother

I suppose what grated my gears was her speaking about Christmas over the past week and wanting to prepare for Christmas. Usually I am on board for Christmas but not now. I don't understand why she wants to plan a Christmas and prepare for a Christmas when she will likely just write it off.

Another poster said what she's doing is abusive. She mentioned how a local shop has 'black magic' chocolates on offer and she would like me to buy some for gifting. It's a hard no from me. There she is wanting me to spend money on preparing for Christmas and she will likely only just write it off and wreck it in some way.

There's no going back over what has happened over the past number of years. Like being disappointed with a brothers drinking and ripping decorations down prematurely because of a brother hungover and ignoring her. Another Christmas where she didn't take part in any of it because there wasn't a cock in the house.

No more. She's on her own. Literally. I won't be telling her. She can go to hell.

I always viewed Christmas as a celebration. Like none of us in the family are sick with anything serious, there has been no cancers in our family, no premature deaths. I always viewed Christmas as a celebration. I mean like we have nothing to really mourn. We've been lucky. But this......

I will be doing my own thing without talking to her about it. It's sad and I feel so bad how I won't even put up a tree or lights or even buy a chicken and stuffing. There will be nothing.

Why are you still living with your mum @BrainstormGreenNeedle if she is so awful? And what do your brothers think, are you still in touch with them?

They are not aware of how our mother is to me. There is a range of reasons like financial would be number one. I also feel like I have a duty towards my mother to keep her company. Also I think if my brother's found out I left and left her alone they would be raging at me. They just don't understand what I am going through. Then I have work and that brings different challagnes and every week is different with hours. Some weeks can be intense and the only bonus I get is a fucking migraine and sore feet and legs and back and every other part of me too. I get sick easily. There's fuck all balance from my work.

She's ok sometimes and then other times she is just odd. This upcoming Christmas is reminding me of all of the Christmas that were wrecked over the past 10 years. I usually live Christmas but I just can't stomach it this year.