“Swallow me up” moments

[SlovenlyOldSlut]

I've just been reminded of this moment by a Facebook memory…

A friend’s aunt had come to join us at the pub one Christmas. This might seem unusual as we were quite young at the time, but her mother had come out with us a couple of times before, so I just thought they were a family who liked to socialise together.

Anyway, I was chatting to auntie and said, “You really do look like your sister”. She looked surprised and said, “How do you know my sister?” I said, “Oh, Bev’s been out with us quite a few times”.

Well - you have never seen someone’s face blacken so quickly. She did that almost eerily quiet talking people do when they’re really mad and said, “I’m Jane’s father’s sister. You think I look like THAT WOMAN?!” I frantically tried to recover as it became all too clear that she thought her former SIL was the tramp who ruined her brother’s life 🙈🙈🙈

I’d forgotten this, but am now cringing as hard as I did then… please tell me I’m not alone!

I have too many to choose from, but this one from my young teenage years always comes to mind.
I was getting a lift with some family friends (husband/wife) that I'd not seen in a while was desperately trying to get to make conversation so asked wife if still hairdresser, quick reply so I then asked her husband who was a solicitor if he was still soliciting, i knew what I'd said as it was coming out of my mouth but couldn't find any words. So I just sat in the back of the car quietly dying not sure if I should laugh or cry.

My DH's not mine, but he was last dentist patient of the day and had just sat down in the chair. Whilst the dentist got all the gubbings sorted my DH asked 'so what are you doing tonight?'. Dentist got flustered and blushed and muttered. DH realised she hadn't understood the implicit "to my teeth". I still tease them both!

On a packed train when DS was small, he pointed at a black woman (we're white) and decided to say, loudly, 'her colour is black! She is black!' And then to the woman opposite 'and she's white! She likes the colour white!' And then, back to the black lady 'I don't like black!' Had a whole discussion about skin tone and what you're allowed to say etc, absolutely mortified. DS wouldn't let it go.

Then, he points at a third woman and goes, 'she's green!' - turns out, he was talking about the colour of everyone's coats, NOT skin tone, all along.

And of course, we were in ticketed seats so couldn't move/switch trains/die of embarrassment for over an hour 😅😰🫠

I was in a public toilet once. Walked into the 1st cubicle to be greeted by an enormous, unflushed 💩. I made a disgusted noise, tried to flush and gave up and went into the next cubicle for my teeny pee. I was washing my hands and a lady came in, walked into 1st cubicle, made disgusted noise, tried to flush and walked out. As she did we locked eyes in the mirror and I said ‘I just did that’ 🙈 I MEANT the same thing she did but obviously implied it was me who was the proud owner of the unflushable 💩. She looked disgusted and walked into the next cubicle whilst I snuck out. I still die thinking about it 🤣

This is brilliant 🤣

In my early 20s, I had a very slim and petite Italian colleague.
One day she was wearing a tiny tight mini skirt and instead of saying "you look great" I said "I'd look like a prostitute if I wore that".

Went into pharmacy and was trying to explain that I had a tummy bug and needed something for diarrhoea when my son aged maybe 3 pipes up "my mummy has a beard in her pants"..
😳

Hilarious 🤣🤣🤣

This made me giggle and also reminded me of my interview age 16 for college.

When the Law teacher asked me why I wanted to study law and I said, I can see myself soliciting 🤣

He burst out laughing and then explained what it meant! I was so embarrassed.

thanks for bringing this back for me! 😊

I have another one!

also a public toilet one…
packed public toilet with a queue of people as well.

my son was around 2.5/3 he gasped out loud in a shocked voice ‘mummy where has your penis gone?!’

I said mummy doesn’t have one,

he then said oh yes that’s right you have a Volvo!

lots of laughing in the cubicles around me 🤣

@Twointhehand1 that’s hilarious 😂

@FearMe @FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar @Twointhehand1
I'm crying 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂

Asking my boss if we could have it off, in reference to the air conditioning. Bemused silence while I did a good impression of a cherry

Well this thread has legs.

”I just did that”. Amazing.

😂That is just the sort of thing I would say 😂

We were on a small group holiday, everyone mixed very well.
We'd shared a table with a couple a few times, then one day the woman wasn't at dinner. She was white-haired, pull-up trousers, cardigan etc. He appeared to be mid-40s.
"Where's your Mum?" I asked. "My wife isn't very well tonight."

I didn't know what to do or say.

'Where's your Mum?" I asked.

^

😂

I was in the hospital with my 2 DDs as I'd just been to see a relative - and had been told to go and come back in half an hour, whilst the Doctor sees them. I went into a waiting room nearby with both DD - aged 1 and 2. DD1 was playing with the toys whilst DD2 sat on my lap.

DD1 started playing with a little childrens kitchen, and after a minute she said 'FUCK FUCK FUCK!' I was like and then

4 elderly ladies, and several others in the waiting room were like >>>

I said 'Daisy! Quiet!' She carried on .. 'FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!!! FUCK MOMMY!'

I was like oh my GODDDD!

Long story short, she was saying FORK, but it 100% sounded like FUCK, she was pronouncing it as FUCK! I really thought she was saying FUCK, and grabbed both DD and shot out of the waiting room. DD1 had a (toy) fork in her hand still, and held it out to me and sad 'take fuck!'

Mortified I was though, as she was saying FUCK!!! (Actually fork!) I was sooo embarrassed! 😱

(nb Daisy is not DD1's real name.)

.

WHY do so many people leave a monstrous log just wedged there for others to gag over?

Do they not want to touch the flush button?

This is why I dread using public lavatories, as people are so gross.

@Twointhehand1 It did make me laugh though...

People recoiling out of a cubicle when faced with other's ordure is not uncommon. 🤢

We had some friends over and we were discussing baby names, I mentioned to one friend a particular name my cousin loves and how I thought it was a bit of a boring name. I said this to a woman with that exact name! So basically cousin wants to name her daughter Mary, I think that’s quite a boring plain name’ I was mortified and rightly so. (Mary was not the actual name).

OMG HAHAHAHAH i would have died with laughter.

I had a weird incident when I was 14, I had a friend over from school on a Saturday and we went to call on Friend #2. Friends #1 and 2 were best friends and she had been to their house loads of times. I'd been in Primary with Friend 2. When we knocked the entire family reacted as if we'd come to take a shit in their front garden. We were ushered in a deathly hush into the kitchen, where Friend 2 did not invite us to sit and interrogated us as to what we'd been doing and then asked us to leave.

The next weekend Friend 1 was invited to Friend 2's and everything was copied except not including me.

I only remembered this recently, clearly the hostility was aimed at me, but by the adults as well. Mortifying.

Not me, DH. We were driving back down from Scotland and stopped at a supermarket. DH asked "where are we?" To the chap serving us

Chap looked DH down and up, and replied, slowly, "A a s s d d a a"
DH meant to ask "which town is this?" Cos we were in the arse end of nowhere and we had no idea which was the closest town / village

It killed me. Made the drive home fun though. And now, whenever we ask the other "where are you?" No matter where you actually are, the answer is always "Asda"

I am a silent lurker of years - don’t think I’ve ever commented on a single thread. But I’ve just gone through the effort of resetting my password to log in to comment for this one!!

When I was around 3, I was asking my mum questions about my dad, what he looked like etc (they’d separated and he lived in US so I didn’t see him). She told me he was tall and had dark hair etc.

Fast forward to us shopping, me in my pram, getting in the lift towards the car park. Who’s in the lift? A tall man with dark hair! After a few seconds I apparently looked up and asked this stranger if he was my dad. I can only imagine the utter embarrassment my mum must of felt. I can’t remember it but it just cracks me up, especially now I’m a mum myself.

I once told one of her dates that he had two left feet and ugly shoes - some saying from a film she used to watch lol. Gotta love these stories - I get lost in the comments section haha!