“Swallow me up” moments

[SlovenlyOldSlut]

I've just been reminded of this moment by a Facebook memory…

A friend’s aunt had come to join us at the pub one Christmas. This might seem unusual as we were quite young at the time, but her mother had come out with us a couple of times before, so I just thought they were a family who liked to socialise together.

Anyway, I was chatting to auntie and said, “You really do look like your sister”. She looked surprised and said, “How do you know my sister?” I said, “Oh, Bev’s been out with us quite a few times”.

Well - you have never seen someone’s face blacken so quickly. She did that almost eerily quiet talking people do when they’re really mad and said, “I’m Jane’s father’s sister. You think I look like THAT WOMAN?!” I frantically tried to recover as it became all too clear that she thought her former SIL was the tramp who ruined her brother’s life 🙈🙈🙈

I’d forgotten this, but am now cringing as hard as I did then… please tell me I’m not alone!

Early in my relationship with my now dh. His uncle came for a visit, we all had lovely food and wine. I innocently asked my future mil and her brother, so are you guys close in age. Everyone gasped, he was 17 years older than her.

I hadn't a clue and in my defence she was a very heavy smokers and they looked a really similar age (he looked young). Never been allowed to forget it

At uni, we had an inflatable basketball hoop in our dorm kitchen. People were playing basketball while I was trying to eat, and it was annoying me. So I announced, very loudly -

“It’s really difficult to concentrate on putting something in your mouth while there are balls flying over your head.”

You can imagine the reaction 😳

This is a Caroline aherene joke. Word for word

@FearMe 😂😂😂😂

I took my then 2-year-old DS to my grandfather’s funeral. During the committal, he started getting a bit noisy, so DH tried to calm him down by pretending his toy puppy was asleep, whispering, ‘shh go to sleep puppy’.
Cue DD (loudly): ‘wake up, wake up!’

This has had me laughing out loud tonight and a well needed “lol”.

I once helped someone at work, who I had persistently had to help with the same thing several times.

She said “thank you so much! You’re always here and I’m sorry I just don’t seem to be getting it”….

i cringe, even now at my reply. In fact, omg it was mortifying…. In my head I said “oh that’s ok, you’re not as daft as you think you are! You’ve got this!”…. What I actually said….

“You’re not as daft as you look!”

OMG…. I walked away going “did I really say that!!??”

I bought her flowers and apologised every time I saw her.

She never asked for help again!

I feel, if I remember nothing else if I get dementia, this will be the one memory that will stick!

I was in the supermarket and there was a woman with an armful of stuff (no basket) reaching for something on a shelf. She looked like she might drop something, so I asked her if she needed a hand. She turned and glared at me in silence, and only then did I notice that she was missing A HAND on the arm she was using to hold the other stuff.

I could have kicked myself for using that particular expression, but I didn’t notice that she was missing a hand until I’d already said it 😫

OMG - I’d actually forgotten about this thread! I think it only got one reply initially, but it’s suddenly popped up in my list of watched threads and was obviously a slow burner! These stories have reminded me of too many more embarrassing moments 😳

@WetBandits - I feel your pain about asking the woman if she wanted a hand. Many years ago, a friend of mine used to volunteer to visit people who struggled to get out due to health issues. I was visiting her once and she asked me to come with her while she took this old chap to the pub. He used a wheelchair most of the time, but could get about on sticks.

He kept making a point of what a big drinker he was. I soon realised that this was his big personality “quirk” and that he wanted to talk about it. He was happily boasting about how once he’d downed about 14 pints without even flinching - so, thinking he clearly wanted me to be impressed, I said, “Wow - you must have hollow legs”.

I realised the instant I’d spoken what I’d said 🫣🫣🫣

Funny how most of us have been embarrassed by our dcs. Myself and my dd where in a toilet cubicle at a shopping centre dd was about 3 and loudly shouted “mummy why are you wearing a nappy?” When she saw my sanitary pad. Que lots of shushing and a bright red face.

I did of these when visiting a house during an Art Week. There were two women in the house, talking to people & showing work in separate rooms. I started with one of them, then went to talk to the other one, noticed a family resemblance & told her I'd just been talking to her daughter. She glowered at me & said, "That. Is. My. Sister." Aaargh!

🤣🤣🤣

@LurkerForLife I think that quote is from Erin Brokovich, definitely Julia Roberts anyhow.

DD age 3 at the swimming pool. A man with a very large belly walked past and she shouts while pointing 'look, that man has a baby in his tummy'. About 10 mins later in the changing room a woman with short hair smiled at her and she asked 'are you a man?'. Lots of gender confusion that day!! Mortified.

When we were very little my mum took me and my brother to the Easter Sunday service at our local church. There was a gentleman sat behind us with unfortunately large buck teeth.
My brother kept turning around to look at him, and waited until the sermon (when the whole congregation was silent) to point at the man and shout ‘look mum, it’s the Easter bunny!’
Cue lots of ‘shhhing’ from my mum, the poor man went bright, bright red…

I went to visit my elderly Dad in hospital late one evening in the mens' ward. All the other men were in bed reading or trying to sleep but Dad was stressed and upset because he thought his convene (like a condom which connected to a tube and a urine bag) had not been fitted properly by the nurse. He kept telling me in a loud voice that it had come off and could I look to check.

Eventually he became so agitated that I reluctantly agreed, discreetly checked under the sheet and confirmed that it was indeed fitted correctly. I was trying to speak quietly because it was so embarrassing, but my Dad was insistent. He shouted. "It's not, it's not, feel it, feel it." I didn't dare look around, but I could hear muffled laughs from all over the room as I refused.

Poor Dad RIP, I'm sure he's in a happier place now.

I once went for a birthday dinner for a dear friends mum when I was pregnant for my first. Someone asked me if I would name the child after my mother if the baby was a girl. I blurted out quite loudly “Oh, no! Who in their right mind would name a child Louise!!” Of course, there was a Louise right across the table from me!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I was having a cup of tea with DH in a garden centre which had a wall of glass at the back of the cafe including a door to get out the back. DH noticed two people repeatedly pushing a pane of glass trying to get out. He remarked quite loudly “what are they stupid”? They turned round and walked back to join the table behind us and it was clear they were two adults with learning disabilities. The person they were with glared at us and we left shortly afterwards.

@stargazerlil @FearMe
suffering with insomnia and currently trying not to wake the rest of the house howling with laughter at your stories

Went to bank to request some cash bags but somehow asked for "wank bags".

New to London, early 20s - a super gauche Kiwi with a (low level) media job in Soho. Went out with my cool new workmates and one of them brought her uber-handsome boyfriend.

I was still getting used to all the cheek kissing and when the handsome bloke dropped his face towards me when we were introduced I planted a kiss on his cheek. He popped back up looking astonished and I realised he had been bending over to put his bag under the table.

A small thing really, but has me blushing more than two decades later!

That reminds me of when I was probably 8 years old. I was bored whilst being dragged around a DIY store. I decided to pretend I only had one arm so pulled one arm out of my sleeve and hid it under my jumper if that makes sense. I was messing about and called to my mum that I only had one arm. She went mad at me saying I was being disrespectful and I should know better. Huh? I was only messing around. Next minute a bloke with only one arm came round the corner into our aisle. I hadn't noticed him before but my mum had so thought I was copying him. Oops.

Several years ago my then work place had a small 'awards' ceremony. I was giving out some certificates. One man's name was called, he walked up, I shook his hand and he went in for a kiss on the cheek. I had a small cut/scab on the cheek he was going for so I turned my head to give him the other cheek. Unfortunately I wasn't quick enough and it ended with a kiss on the lips....and it looked like I had engineered it.!!😳It didn't help that he was young and good looking! It got a laugh from the audience and a few comments 😱 I still cringe when I think about it.

It could be worse. This reminded me of one from many years back. Someone who worked for my dad had just become a father and was happily showing off the pictures to everyone. One of their colleagues said, “Awwh, is that your dad holding him? How old is he now?”

New father replies, stony-faced, “That’s my wife”.

A dog near me (Reggie the staffie) is usually walked by a woman. One day he was being walked by a man.
I said to the man "I usually see Reggie with your wife".
The man replied "That's my mother".
😳

On another dog walk, me and DP were discussing a dog we know - Sophie. We were talking about Sophie affectionately but basically saying how lazy and greedy she is, and that's why she's so fat.
We didn't notice that our next door neighbour at the time- also called Sophie, also quite plump - was walking right behind us.
I couldn't say "Oh we weren't talking about you" because (a) it'd look like we absolutely were, and (b) would absolutely confirm that "lazy, greedy, fat" are labels which could be applied to human Sophie.
Our relationship was never the same after that.