“Swallow me up” moments

[SlovenlyOldSlut]

I've just been reminded of this moment by a Facebook memory…

A friend’s aunt had come to join us at the pub one Christmas. This might seem unusual as we were quite young at the time, but her mother had come out with us a couple of times before, so I just thought they were a family who liked to socialise together.

Anyway, I was chatting to auntie and said, “You really do look like your sister”. She looked surprised and said, “How do you know my sister?” I said, “Oh, Bev’s been out with us quite a few times”.

Well - you have never seen someone’s face blacken so quickly. She did that almost eerily quiet talking people do when they’re really mad and said, “I’m Jane’s father’s sister. You think I look like THAT WOMAN?!” I frantically tried to recover as it became all too clear that she thought her former SIL was the tramp who ruined her brother’s life 🙈🙈🙈

I’d forgotten this, but am now cringing as hard as I did then… please tell me I’m not alone!

Went in a supermarket and I'd been recommended fenjal ( sp) bath product's in the dark green packaging. I couldn't see it , or even know if they sold it.or if I'd have to go to Boots.

Found a young lad who worked there and asked him. He was about 16 and almost giddy he was getting to help someone. Really enthusiastic He said 'yes ma'am I know exactly where that is follow me ' he sped walked to the next aisle and passed me Femfresh And asked how many I wanted... I didnt have the heart to say that wasn't what I wanted as he was excited he'd helped. I said just 1 is fine. Thank you.

When my DS was really little I was describing another parent at the school to my mum and dad (I didn’t think my DS was paying any attention) - she was a bit rough and sounded like she smoked 60 a day. Anyway, Monday morning comes and we are queuing to get into school and this parent happened to be stood behind us in the queue. My DS (about 5 at the time says loudly “mummy is that the lady with the really deep voice that you were talking about?!?” I say in a hush tone “DS please don’t say that, please be quiet” to which he responds loudly “Mummy why are you telling me to be quiet?!!” OMG if the ground could only have swallowed me then!

Thought of another one.
In college, one of the class had a free house for a while as both parents were away.
A group of us arranged to head there to have a weekend of visiting local bars etc.
2 of us were last to arrive quite late in the evening.
Walked in to a very hushed house, everyone looking sad, no alcohol.
I shout "what happened? Did somebody die?"..
Our host quietly said "yes, my dad died suddenly this morning".
That was 30 years ago and I still feel the shame.

there was the time H said the neighbor girl has had a baby recently so I was on their stoop to ask if younger neighbor child could cat sit and inquired about older girls new baby. There was no baby, she was and is a pretty but pudgy girl. I wanted to die and said oh H must have meant other neighbors sorry (there are no other girls on the block dammit)

H noticed she had a blubbery tummy and that was it, baby. We discussed it in depth later, that one never ever assumes a woman is pregnant. Poor old fool had no idea.

and the time I was waiting for someone to come out of the bank lobby to use the ATM on a Sunday and a handsome man came out. I joked 'I hope you left some money in there for me', he smiled pleasantly and the next thing I knew I was laying on the ground after stepping off the curb awkwardly and rolling my way down to the ground. Mr Handsome was saying are you okay maam?

The shame that I was maam was worse than the fall 😂

I could go on all day, I'm so awkward and clumsy

When DS was younger I used to have a hard time of getting him to brush his teeth. I thought I had tried everything so resorted to “if you don’t brush your teeth they’ll go black and fall out” A couple of days later we were in the supermarket getting served by a woman whose teeth were quite bad🫣 I was silently thinking to myself “please don’t say it” (I just knew what was coming) Next thing, really loudly, I hear “mummy that lady doesn’t brush her teeth” 🤦🏻‍♀️

To be fair to the monster log dropper, both myself and the next lady both tried to flush and failed 🤣

In my mid20s I was shopping in town, went to Boots and then some other shops. I must have been distracted/on auto pilot as in the queue in a cafe I suddenly clocked that in my arms was the big metal and blue plastic Boots shopping basket. I can still remember the mortifying embarrassment! I felt so worried about what other people thought of me as I’d walked into several shops with it like it was some awful handbag or did I think the whole town was part of Boots! I’d like to think I’d be less bothered now. I did a quick walk of shame to return it.

In a work meeting a male client commented that I had been “getting it from both ends”

😆

Went to a local fire station open day when DS was little for all the usual 'wear a helmet, have your photo taken in the fire engine' type shenanigans. One of the fundraising stalls was a raffle, there were tickets on sale, and I bounced cheerfully up to the very young, very buff, very handsome firefighter sat behind the table brandishing a tenner, gave him a big smile and asked 'How much for a strip?'

He was not equipped to deal with the situation and went an unhealthy shade of red. I felt terrible.

If you had kept it you may have started a whole new trend for big blue baskety handbags! Your fortune would have been made!😂

Went to a local spoons pub with a friend. I was wearing a knee length black skirt with red tights.
Went to the loo, and afterwards, as it was my round, went straight to the bar. Waited a while to be served. Felt that my arse was a bit cold. Reached behind to find that my skirt was well and truly tucked into my tights.... and in that time, a man came up to me to tell me exactly that!

We went out to dinner one night with the in-laws. Walked in to the pub, little girl about 5 sat at the bar colouring in etc “are you helping your granny work tonight?” Asked my MIL. “”THATS MY MUMMY!”

I didn’t know where to look

When my son was a baby he had a lot of digestive issues. I was pushing his pram past a long bus queue of people. It was really quiet. He let out the loudest fart ever and everyone looked at me assuming it was me.

I went to a wedding as a plus one and had a mortifying moment with the groom. Early morning and I went outside of the hotel we were staying in for a cigarette, groom was sat on his own so I thought I'd join him.
This hotel was in the middle of nowhere, highlands of Scotland, just beautiful.. no people or cars just mountains, sea and wild stag wondering about, very very very quiet.
Anyway, I sat next to him and my stomach started gurgling. I tried so hard to hold it in but I kid you not I did the loudest fart anyone on earth has ever done.
God it was awful, he didn't even acknowledge it 😂

Of course it was your son!

Oh God, @Enoughbastabasta , I did similar once. I was chatting to a friend on the phone, wandering about Boots with a basket of items, then wandered out of Boots (still holding the basket of items). Luckily realised when I got about 10 feet out of the store and legged it back in. I was mortified, friend on phone laughed at me! The staff were watching me and thankfully realised it was a genuine mistake (they were laughing)!

Being helpful and washing up at a playgroup, with another woman who I thought was the grandma of the two children she brought to the playgroup. In conversation I found out she was the childminder, after I had shared my initial impression. She said 'Oh I'm not old enough to be their grandma .....although maybe I am....' with an unhappy expression 🫣

Two left feet and fucking ugly shoes is from Erin Brockowich (I think that's how you spell it!)

Realising at the end of a 2 hour training session with the whole department that my jumper was on inside out! Nobody mentioned it, may nobody noticed...

As a cathedral chorister and at boarding school, I was due to go on summer choir tour.
I had a bit of birthday money and decided to get myself some pyjamas for the occasion and obviously went for the pink, super short shorts and t-shirt with “NO HANKY PANKY” emblazoned across the front. Of course I proudly showed my mum my purchase She laughed, raised an eyebrow then let me take them and wear them anyway???? Wtf why?! 😭

This is

When I was at junior school, and wanted a second helping of school dinners, we used to say, perfectly innocently, 'can we have secs?' 😂

I used to do pole fitness, which is a great form of fitness. Took my gran to a craft fair where a few of her friends had stalls, and one little old lady loudly shouted across the crowded room...

'MissMoan love, how are your lap dance classes going?'

Mortified.

Early on in my career I was working in an office, and had to go downstairs for some files or something like that. The older man who worked in the filing room was helping me bring a back box upstairs but as I’d forgotten my swipe card we had to use his. As we got to the locked door he said ‘you’ll have to use mine (swipe card). It’s in my pocket’ while nodding his head down to gesture toward his pocket. I felt fairly awkward and hesitant before saying Ok and went to reach for his trouser pocket when he quickly clarified ‘no, no, I meant my shirt pocket’