Just turned around and walked out of friends house. May have over reacted!

[SafeMouse]

Me (5'0 female) has a good friend (6'2 male). Every few weeks I go to his house for a few drinks and a catch up. This has been going on since 2019. We bubbled together during lockdown as we are both in single households.

Every summer I walk down to his. Its across the otherside of town about a 25 min walk. Part of the way is through a bit of a badly lit seedy area. When it starts to get dark I get an uber. Have for 5 years.
EVERY single bloody year when I start getting ubers I get 'lazy' jokes and teasing. I have patiently explained why I'm not comfortable walking in the dark. I have explained it in the context of Sarah Everard. I have made light of it. I have got annoyed. I've snapped. I've even had the uber drop me off a street away so he doesn't see.

Got to his tonight and get the 'haha, I saw the uber, feeling lazy today are we'?
I put my coat back on and walked out.
I'm now sitting in the pub at the end of his road wondering whether
A) go back and explain again for the 50th time why I don't walk in dodgy areas in the dark
B) order an uber and go back home.

I'm a little bit thinking I've overreacted but it's been the same joke for 5 sodding years with obviously no attempt to understand.

None of the men in my life would be so willfully ignorant about this. Every one of them would be proactively thinking about the fact that I was walking in the dark and offer to come to me, meet me or give me a lift. I can appreciate that this might be a case of thoughtlessness, but it just strikes me as odd because it's the polar opposite of how the men I am close to are on this issue.

He’s clearly an idiot. Why can’t he come to you 50/50 at least?

I don't blame you. Him calling you 'lazy' is not a joke, even if he meant it lightly. You are protecting yourself. Unfortunately men often don't realise how vulnerable women can feel walking alone at night in some areas, I've come across that before. If something happens to them, they do understand but they are not nervous in advance. I'm very nervous in some situations and would 100% get a cab.

Wait for him to contact you and give it to him straight.

I was once discussing safety with my husband. He genuinely didn't quite get the feeling of always having to be on guard if you're on your own and out and about. It was quite foreign to him. I suppose it had just never come up. On things like bush/forest walks I would be very nervous meeting a strange man on the trail if I was on my own because really there is likely nobody to hear you scream. He'd never even thought about it. He is not awful or under protective.

Did he come over OP and finally hear you?

He seems to think it's a misunderstanding between 'dark' and 'late'. As in he always makes sure I get home OK. Which is true. However did have to state the obvious that's its pitch fucking black at 6pm.

Anyway, tired. Bed and cats calling. Given me a lot to mull over though.

He sounds a massive twat. Show him this article:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/oct/19/women-unsafe-running-in-the-dark-outside-without-fear#:~:text=Let's%20make%20this%20abundantly%20clear,which%20is%20a%20huge%20frustration.

I sometimes think "the kindness of women" should explicitly include "the patience of women". Both are completely taken for granted and expected by society (read: men) to the point where they get upset when we finally snap at sheer, unthinking, relentless piss-taking.

I once ditched an otherwise nice friend after asking & telling him hundreds of times to stop with the blonde jokes. I know what colour my hair is, thanks, and I understand these little jokes are mere habit ... habitually demeaning on the basis of a load of shallow assumptions about fair-haired women, plus habitual dismissal of my requests not to be demeaned.

I bet he never knew my real reason for binning him, because my real reason couldn't possibly be what I'd said over and over again 🙄

Yes, blokes do rib each other in similar ways. But, you know what? They do not carry on doing it for years after the male butt of a joke has said "Enough". You never see a guy sighing gently on the 500th time he's been called Skidmarks by either a man or a woman.

This may not be unconnected with the fact that an habitually-insulted male is way more likely to punch the joker. Oh, look, I've just explained Feminism 101!

Glad your mate's finally noticed your displeasure, @SafeMouse. Hope he manages to stop insulting you every time it's dark outside!

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You haven't overreacted after years of those comments, sorry to say and I mean no offence but he sounds like a right prick

Or walk you home OP or pay your uber.

I can’t see where he makes sure you get home ok? Do you mean he walks you home then? Or do you mean he checks you’re not raped and dead after you walk home/ catch an Uber home while ignoring his criticism?

But this has come up. Very regularly for years. If your husband had suggested every week for YEARS that you go for a solo bush walk, you patiently said no, that doesn’t feel safe for a solo woman, and he replied without fail, every week for years, ah you’re just lazy, then he would be a total prick wouldn’t he?

He sounds thick and his tired and unfunny joke would have bored me a while ago. YANBU

He should stop being lazy himself and come to yours during the autumn and winter.

“he always makes sure I get home OK”

No.

He waves you goodbye.

Then, later, he phones. What about the in between bit? This is NOT making sure you get home okay. This is making a lazy phone call from the comfort of his own home, tv on, heating on, glass of wine in hand, something in the oven. This is absolutely the lowest effort physically possible.

If he made sure you got home okay he would call a taxi, ride with you, wait while you get yourself inside and door shut. But he’s not doing that.

Everyone can tolerate something for a period of time but I would have a hard time to not just shut the metaphorical door in his face to be honest.

At the very least he should make sure you don't walk home alone.

Does he acknowledge that he lives near a dodgy area? I wonder if part of his 'jokey' comments are because it is making it blindingly obvious that is the case when you arrive in an uber, and he doesn't like being reminded?

When you've repeatedly told him why you take an uber, he is probably just an entitled prick though.

I find it inexplicable that several posters are saying that the males in their lives do not comprehend that lone women often feel vulnerable on the streets.
My now 65 year old husband knew when we met in 1988 that when he found himself behind a woman at night on a quiet street he needed to cross over, step up his pace and walk close to the kerb so that he was clearly visible by street light. It’s not something, he told me, that he was ever taught in his very small Cornish town where everyone knew everyone else, there really was no need for such conversations.
It became blatantly obvious to him when he moved to London for university and listened to the experiences of female friends though.

How can some men in 2024 not know this? Our son is 21 and has been aware of the concerns of female friends for several years. It’s not something we have had to teach him🤷‍♀️

@MrsSkylerWhite They know it, all right, they just don't give a damn. Worse, there are some who, far from doing the slightest decent thing, like crossing the street to reassure a woman as your husband does, get angry when women cross the street to avoid them. We're supposed to be mind readers and know that this particular man isn't the one who's going to rape us. We're hurting his Nice Guy feelings by taking precautions or showing fear, and that's much, much worse.

My Dad is in his 70s and I only found out recently that he would cross the road if walking behind a lone woman and there isn't many people about. He isn't a threat to them but understands that they don't know that. And to him its not a big deal, it's just something simple he can do that might make a woman feel less uneasy .

Part of why he doesn't feel vulnerable. Physical size.

You should name change to Miranda!!😂🤣

She's already jokingly that she goes there because he has nice wine, but anyway that has absolutely not nothing to do with the thread.

It's the wilfully deaf thing that is the destructive force here.

It gets really tiring knowing they can understand, they just pretend to not so they have a stick to beat you with.

Not a friend. Don't bother with him. He's a tool. Walking away was the strong thing to do. Be done. Tosser!

Upset as in feeling sorry for himself?

Or upset as in horrified that he has hurt you and ready to apologise wholeheartedly and make amends?

Socially awkward and insensitive doesn't sound like a promising profile for a friend, I have to say.