How much are you able to help your DC when they start adult life?

[Verbena193]

My parents very kindly paid for university, a house deposit, driving lessons and a first car.

We're not as well off as they were and university has now tripled in cost since I went. We have £10k saved for DS, he's 16. I feel awful that we can't give him the same start in life.

What are you hoping to be able to help your DC with?

Yes they are in full time jobs. Nothing wrong as such with student debt but my parents were never very clear about when they were going to give me money - I got it in fits and bursts and it was hard to manag my money - they refused to
ralk about it, I got into debt. I didn’t want that for my kids - we could afford to give them a stable income and that’s what we did - they still tripped up but they learned from it. They had jobs in sixth form but that was like playschool finance. We have enough to take all their facial worries away but I don’t feel that’s going to help them be financially balanced and responsible independent adults. I could throw money at their problems but it’s a bad idea for us to offer to fix things all the time. Sometimes it’s hard to know when to apply the brakes, we are very aware of the overlydulged kids around us. It’s not the way we chose to parent (although I get that compared to a lot they are overindulged)

Ours are in their mid to late 20s.
They are executors in our wills and they have full knowledge of our financial situation.

As a parent of children 7 and under this thread is quite scary! These costs are huge - 100k deposits would be impossible when we have our own big mortgage and bills. SAHM so will be returning to work but the thought of working into my late 50’s / early 60s solely just to give it all straight to the children when we weren’t given anything ourselves feels odd, they will definitely need to work and contribute to deposits etc too to understand the value of what’s being given to them

We paid for driving lessons, let both daughters use my car whenever they needed it. Supported them both through Uni by paying mobile phone bill and a monthly allowance as a top up. Have given eldest daughter £7k towards wedding. Youngest daughter single. Often help out with expenses for different things but that drives DH nuts as they are both on good salaries, it’s hard not to though.

I didn't get anything from my parents and the best ill be able to do for my DC is pay for their driving lessons and a second hand car.

But, I've broken a lot of dysfunctional and abusive cycles so I'm really really proud of myself for hopefully passing down healthy coping mechanisms and good self esteem. I think if life had been different I'd be able to of supported them financially but instead I can support them emotionally ( which might not seem a lot but to me it means so much )

We got all 3 dc driving lessons, first car and insurance. Supported them through uni (youngest is about to go), they live at home rent free while they save for a house and we will help with a deposit. We will help in any way we can and that’s not just financial.
Dh and I got nothing/very little when we were that age, I don’t want them have that.

When our kids were under 7 our plan was to help them out with maybe £30k each if we had it - we saved for them but the money was never theirs, at times we had less money - dh took pay cuts to move side ways - it took us a while to get on our feet again and we started up a business, which risked quite a bit - we planned what we’d do if it wasn’t a success - we’d have bought a small house in a cheaper area and the kids would get nothing until we died. We did not think - we’ll give them £100k! We were relaxed about giving them nothing if that’s what happened and they’d be just fine. We will only give them money when they need it, if we have enough of it. I don’t feel under any pressure to make their lives easier - they”ve had easy lives so far, they recognise that. We have told them we’ll spend our money on old age care and travel, we won’t burden them so they are planning on not receiving anything, so continue to save a good chunk of their salary whilst they can, there’s no buying designer clothing and expensive tech. They go on cheap holidays and are very level headed.

You are right to feel proud of yourself for that @Iveneverraisedateen. Emotional support is more important than financial support. Kudos to you 👏

@TizerorFizz it's strange isn't it how the way our parents behaved can make us want to do the opposite?

Our parents didn’t help us much - we didn’t really expect them to, in fact when I met dh he was sending his parents £250/month to make their lives more comfortable, he paid for himself to get through uni too. My Dad had given me £2k to buy a flat when I was a student rather than top up my grant. 8 years later I paid him back £6k. We didn’t expect our parents to subsidise our lives. It feels like that’s changed though. This generation very much expect it.

Honestly my parents are loaded and they didn't give me a penny. I dont get the expectation to give adult children money.

I had to pay my own rent whilst at uni (took out a government loan), bought my own first car. Own deposit on first house etc

1 DC. Have paid for secondary independent school, will pay for university in terms of fees + cover maintenance loan, by time DD is 21 there will be 40-50K towards house deposit but won't give it to her until she needs it and even then we will only "match" what she can save up herself.
We will buy a car (second hand) + lessons etc when she's 17 as we are rural so it's essential.
However will expect her to get a job from 17 to pay for some of her own expenses + through university.

@Goldplatedhinges I think it's about inter generational fairness. In many cases, the generation currently in their 60s and 70s were more wealthy than the generation before them but also more wealthy than the generation after them (mainly due to benefiting from house price rises). So it could be argued that it's "fair" for them to support their parents and their children. (Obviously, not everyone falls into this position, so I'm only talking about the ones who do.)

We gave our daughter 25k for house deposit, paid for her wedding and just bought her a car 3 years old as she’s expecting and wanted her and our grandchild in a safe and reliable car, only child so she is a tad spoilt 🙄

One of my friends paid for the deposit and legal fees for her ds who, despite living at home whilst working for 20years and not paying a penny in rent and didn’t save a penny either - because he believed it was her responsibility to do it for him, he believes a parent is financially responsible for their child for life! And apparently his attitude is not unusual. The entitlement is breathtaking.

OK well we're in agreement on that one! Crazy.

Pay through uni and have set aside 100k for when they are 25 to help with a house deposit etc.

I think it's very interesting to hear people's plans for this even though I can't hope to match some of them. Dd has loans for uni but we pay her rent (8K/year). Agree with pp saying our money is better put towards a deposit than uni fees. We're paying for driving lessons (so expensive!) and may help with a cheap car in future. I'm hoping to be able to give 20K (will struggle for that and definitely no more) for a deposit or further study (she says she prefers a deposit). I absolutely love the idea from a pp to match their savings for a deposit - I'd like to suggest that.

I got a full grant back in the day and my parents later died in a lot of debt - so nothing there although they were quite generous while they were alive. Nothing from Dh's parents either in fact he also contributes to support his mother alongside his siblings.

I'm very worried about dd's financial future - especially the very niche field she is pursuing. Those saying dc can live with them indefinitely - does that include the dc's partner? And what if they have children? I desperately want dd and her partner to have their own place. I don't want to have to sell our home to do it. I worry about this every day.

These posts are pointless as all they do is make people feel inadequate if they can’t do the same as those doing a lot for DC.

Yesterdays my news feed had a Japanese news article - it was looking at survey data from South Korea, china and Japan and while money was a factor it was about 30% reason not to have kids - article was pointing to social pressure on parents to be perfect - to provide eveything and how many young people felt they couldn't be prefect parents so were feeling they'd never be ready to have even one child.

My parternal grandparents were born into edwardian poverty they lived pretty good lives - MIL was born and raised in grinding poverty she spend last decade traveling world and living a pretty decent life - nether DH nor I come from money. We've had fewer kids than we wanted to to economic constraints but if we'd listen to MN we'd probably had none.

I think most posters on MN tend toward higher social economic groups - who cna give their kids more of a headstart in so many way and it lovely they want to - but it's not what most kids get.

Those saying dc can live with them indefinitely - does that include the dc's partner? And what if they have children?

I wasn't thinking indefinitely- but as needed with expectation they can save money up to move out into their own place.

My parents helped me for as long as they could and never put an age limit on it. I intend to do the same for my kids, if they need help in their 30s and I have the means, I will help. There is no figure or limit in my head, I intend to share for as long as I can. I don’t have enough to gift a house deposit at the moment but should be able to help with first car, furniture, wedding expenses etc.

We have given a house deposit and paid for half a car for one, helped with paying off debts for another. Anticipate giving a house deposit in the future but at the moment no prospect of ever getting a mortgage. We paid for accommodation during university for three kids.

One of dh’s colleagues supported their dc with their career in the London Philharmonic Orchestra. But when he hit 26 and they were still paying his rent and the rest - they gave him notice, time to get a job that brought home the cash that he needed rather than relying on his parents. This is a common story amongst dh’s colleagues - kids are overindulged and over reliant on their parents. No ambition and lots of entitlement. We are very weary of allowing our kids to go the same way.

I read an article saying similar -- the example was an want to be actor who spet 20s in London and had themselves at 30 realsised it wasn't happening for them and who was very resentful they were a decade behind peers as they'd been supported by their mum's money - they dripped distain for the mother's actions - I was left feeling what an ungreatful prick and his poor Mum who was clearly trying to be supportive.

I worry DD1 looking at career area that's not great with pay opportunties - DH thinks she'll have to wise up pretty fast as while there a roof there are expectations she'll get herself independent.