Dh lied about our finances

[Vancarsin]

Not sure how to feel about this. Dh has been ‘managing’ our finances for a couple of years. Things have been tight and I’ve found it stressful. To cut a long story short, I’ve discovered that he’s been using our credit cards to plug the gap, to the tune of 4K.

he’s cried and apologised and has explained that he just wanted to make it all work, and that he didn’t want to worry or stress me further. I can see that it’s all gone on family stuff and all payments are up to date thank god.

I feel angry and need to find a way to move forward. Help!

You have benefitted from all of that debt

It is not really his issue alone -

It is not ok to expect one partner to carry the burden of managing finances alone especially in this climate

cut him some slack

Please try not to be angry, it’s not easy with the cost of everything at the moment, you need to work together to get through this. It’s hard managing finances on your own, hopefully you can sit down together and go through everything.

It's on you both to manage.

For the sake of 4k I’d draw a line under everything and start working together to carry the burden.

Cut up the credit card, pay it off asap and work to a new budget. Make sure you’re claiming everything you can, can either of you do over time?

Strict weekly budget, you could try using cash if that would help.

Why is he managing the finances alone? How do you manage your own wages?

It’s a lesson learnt for both of you. The finances are a joint responsibility and you both must communicate regularly (weekly?) about them.

If I were your husband, I would be the one who was angry!

It sounds like you've happily handed off a thankless job, and now you're annoyed at the way he has handled it. You admit you've found it stressful being 'tight', how would you have reacted if he'd asked you to be more so? You have seen that the money has gone on things for your family, he hasn't been pissing money away. If you're going to be so hands off as to not even have a vague awareness of your income and expenditure, I think you can hardly find fault with the one who has been trying to keep it together

You can’t opt out then complain things aren’t as you expected. You’re an adult, taking responsibility for the state of your finances is very basic.

If he was gambling or spending it on drugs you’d have a point. If it’s gone of stuff for the whole household and you didn’t notice £4k worth of stuff/fun you have no right at all to be angry.

i Understand why you’re angry. But yes for 4k when he hasn’t spent it on stupid stuff for himself I can get over and work with him on.

i would however be running a credit check on both of you to check there’s nothing else about to come out of the woodwork.

Why are things so tight? Have you had a proper conversation about how to alleviate some of this financial pressure?

I completely agree.

It’s outrageous and selfish that you are angry at him.

You need to let go of the anger and start sharing responsibility. Work out together how you cut your cloth to live within your means. It could be much worse, while I appreciate it depends on your circumstance, £4K is hopefully not a terrifying amount, look at how best to pay it off - transfer to a 0% card if you’re paying interest or a loan if that’s more manageable.

I would be fuming. Take it as a lesson to never rely on anyone financial. Do the finances together if they are joint.

He should have said something earlier, but that's done now. The important thing is to focus on the future. You need to sit down and come up with a proper budget and decide how to cut your expenses.

Sit down and calmly talk about your finances with him. He's tried his best and is really upset at his perceived "failure". The money has gone on the household so you have benefitted from it too. You need to mutually agree a way forward and work together. Anger has no place in this particular situation.

Why are you angry is £4K has been spent on family stuff which you have benefited from?

It's kind of your fault for not getting involved in finance.

He may have felt shame in not being able to cover costs and was ashamed to admit it.

You are in a worse mess now than if he'd been honest but you need to focus on whether these are 0% finance and how you are going to cope going forward.

You should be angry with yourself too - so anger is not going to help.

He should have told you but you shouldn’t have left him to manage the finances alone. I don’t think you have any right to be angry seeing as he spent it on family things and it benefitted both of you. It could be a lot worse, it’s not a massive amount of money in the grand scheme of things.

Work together on sorting it out and managing finances, just make sure he isn’t hiding anything else.

You should be angry with yourself. You knew things were tight but carried on for 2 years knowing that it was a struggle but have not asked for updates.
Presumably your husband cried with relief at being able to share the pressure and instead of supporting him and helping to sort it out you get angry.
Work with him to sort it out and don't be so judgemental in future.

@Vancarsin In the grand scheme of things, I think he has done well by only going into debt to the tune of 4k! when you consider just how much food and electricity have gone up in the past few years with wages not rising at the same rate, it is totally understandable. he certainly wont be the first to have been put into debt by all the increases. cut him some slack. at least he hasnt gambled it or drank it all!

I would be really angry, I don't understand ask these posters saying, "Aww he tried his best."

He lied about your finances and put you £4000 in debt. You're supposed to be partners. You should have been deciding together whether to use credit cards to accrue debt or not. He clearly can not be allowed to be in charge of finances anymore.

My husband does our finances, he seems to enjoy it. But he updates me everytime he does run through of how things are doing, and I look myself sometimes anyway. All large (£50+) purchases are cleared with each other before purchase, and we would never take on new debt without a very serious discussion!

I don't think you should be angry at him, seems like he has tried his best and didn't want to worry you.
Try and share the load in future maybe?

So you’ve felt stressed and now you feel angry. Lots of focus on your feelings but not clear on what you’ve done the last two years or what you plan on doing now?

He was wrong to lie but it’s a bit like blokes what get a woman pregnant and then say “but she said she was on the pill” they rightly get their arse handed to them and told it’s as much their responsibility as the woman’s.

Difficult to call with limited information. On one hand he has taken out debt that affects you without your knowledge. If you had discussed this you may not have agreed to taking out debt given that repayments would impact on future availability of money even at 0% and it seems he has been building it up so increasing debt repayment. So your monthly available cash has been reducing as the debt increased.

You say this has been stressful. In what way? Was it stressful before he started incurring debt or after?

Using debt to control is a red flag. Especially if you incur it on the other's behalf or on both behalf with no discussion.

Why is DH in control of finances when he doesn't communicate?

I feel like people are being too harsh by implying it’s your own fault and you have no right to be angry. We have no idea how you ended up not being involved in the finances. Maybe your husband has insisted on it or maybe it’s his his only limited contribution to the division of labour in the household.

However I do agree that for your own future security you should try having an idea of your finances going forward. Heard too many stories of wives not knowing anything (ie passwords/debts/what bills need sorting) when their husbands die and how stressful that is.

I understand your anger. He’s not been honest and that debt will now be a drain on your monthly outgoings and unless you can increase what’s coming in or decrease what you spend then that debt will only grow.

You’re allowed to feel annoyed but the best way to move forward is to have a calm conversation about the importance of you being a team and that whether or not his intentions were to protect you, it’s only fair on both of you that those finacial worries and decisions are shared

I agree with previous posters. If you opt out of something it’s not for you to easily complain about the outcome. You are NOT his boss/manager.

It's not an astronomical amount and it’s salvageable. How much % of household income are you earning? Sit down together and create a realistic budget/look for better work if necessary. It is not worth damaging your relationship over. Unless…he has form for making big mistakes and this is one in a long line - in which case you are also daft for trusting him for two years.