Dh lied about our finances

[Vancarsin]

Not sure how to feel about this. Dh has been ‘managing’ our finances for a couple of years. Things have been tight and I’ve found it stressful. To cut a long story short, I’ve discovered that he’s been using our credit cards to plug the gap, to the tune of 4K.

he’s cried and apologised and has explained that he just wanted to make it all work, and that he didn’t want to worry or stress me further. I can see that it’s all gone on family stuff and all payments are up to date thank god.

I feel angry and need to find a way to move forward. Help!

You're a bit of a blame Jane ain't ya?

Did you not eat? Did you not benefit from heating, water, fuel?

It's a two person activity. Get working together.

Do you work?

No, I'd be angry that he's been lying and hiding this from you. It's not that hard to say 'actually, we need to speak about this', at the beginning, but the longer it went on it becomes a bigger issue and he didn't have the guts to confront it and tell you. hiding it all from you, and lying, is where the damage is done.

I think it’s bizarre that people are suing it’s your fault when it clearly isn’t. You should be able to trust him not to do something like that. However 4K is definitely pay-off-able - get rid of the cards, sort out a repayment plan and try and work together on it from now on. If it helps last year my husband got himself into 12k of debt behind back, over the course of 4 years but only on every day spending. He got another job (he’s a full time teacher and we have 2 young kids), and had paid it off in 7 months altogether.

What do you mean 'he has been managing our finances'? Do you not have oversight of the accounts too?

Why on earth are you not aware of your household finances and budget?! It's his fault for getting into the debt without telling you but it's also your fault for leaving it to him and not taking an interest yourself

You’ve buried your head in the sand and allowed him to carry the stress on his own. You just cant do that to someone. You have no right to be angry.

Apologise to him for your part in this and then come up with a plan between you.

It’s not bizarre. She says that things were tight, she was stressed so she left it all to him as if he were immune from the stress of tight finances. She wasn’t interested to ask how he was making ends meet, as long as he was.

Sounds like you both need to learn to be brutally honest with each other and communicate better. Blaming each other doesn’t solve anything, so don’t waste time annoying each other unnecessarily.

Start fresh today and focus on the practical and be determined to solve this problem together.

Your first steps are to review your family budget and look at where you might make small savings and if you could increase your income from changing jobs or taking on additional work maybe?

Can you both sit down together and do a budget planner. Work out incomings and outgoings. If you can't afford the credit card after this you can contact them and come up with payment plans. Cost of living has increased a lot and I imagine the pressure has been immense. If you are unable to do this alone you can make an appointment at your local citizens advice. They can sit down with you and help you work out how best to manage your finances going forward.

If you do have any financial support/or don't. They may be able to help signpost you to where you can get help.

www.moneytalkteam.org.uk/find-information

This may not be relevant but all the help is an available on links but you can see them in person.

Take care.

Why are so many assuming that OP just handed over the finances and went merrily on her way?

A lot of men assume they are better at certain things and won't be challenged on this. Was he a bit "you're no good with money. I'll do it and then we'll see"

Did it all go on the household? And was it all sensible or did he do a load of weekly shops from Waitrose instead of Aldi?

So you've been breezing around, being a bit annoyed with him because things are 'tight', and he's tried to ease that by putting things that presumably you all wanted/needed on a credit card rather than annoy you more, and now you're angry.

You've taken no interest in your finances other than to spend while he's been carrying all the stress.

Find a way to manage the finances together. Then maybe you'll see what 'tight' really is.

So you have stuck your head in the sand and now you are complaining surley both your incomes and outgoings are known to you or should be?

Firstly and most importantly, make sure the credit card is interest free and if not switch. I look after the finances and sometimes things happen, our dishwasher, washing machine and hoover all packed in in the same month. I put some of it on my credit card and I’m in control of paying off decent chunks. Bills are time consuming! I scrutinise things, swop providers for insurance/energy etc etc to make sure I keep things as cheap as possible. I know when mots are due, car/house/animal insurance is due etc. I check mobile phones are the cheapest tariffs, same with BT and internet. I don’t put things on credit cards that aren’t for house as such. 4K is doable, make sure it’s interest free and you will both have to keep an eye on everything and set tighter budgets for food etc. I think everything is so much more expensive and it’s hard but it sounds like you have to work together from now on but I think as you’ve shown little interest in the bills you have to accept this has happened now and move forward together.

I calculated our household inflation for October 2022 to October 2023. My goodness it was a lot. The food bill alone was up 12%.

Have our wages gone up 12%? Er noo.

I have had to dip into savings twice, significantly over this period of inflation, so I can understand why this happened.

DH leaves the finances to me so I'd be v pissed off if he complained about how!

Yes they are supposed to be partners. So why then was it OK to offload it on to him to sort because it was too stressful for her to help deal with? Surely she can't have it both ways. It is too hard for me to deal with so I am dumping it on you and now I don't like how you did even though I washed my hands of it.

My ex husband left all finances to me, and booked himself holidays with friends without ever listening when I said we couldn't afford it. We had second hand furniture, and I remember one trip he was away and I had £20 to feed me and two children including nappies. He was then shocked when he did realise I had a credit card to pay for some stuff ( about 1k).
You also own some responsibility in this and leaving it all to him was not fair as you didn't understand what you could and couldn't spend

Practical advice here:
Get the balances moved to 0% interest cards for as long a term as possible. You will pay it off more quickly.
Or consolidate it into a bank loan
Go through household expenses together and cut what you can. Find cheaper internet and phone deals.
Shop around for car and home insurance
Eat more cheaply and ration nights out and Starbucks
Put a limit on buying gifts at Xmas and birthdays

All little things but they mount up and will get your debt paid off. And budget between you in future. Its not fair to leave it to him then kick off if its not how you expect!

Op you are both adults adulting in the world therefore you should both know what's going on with every aspect of the home and finances is the biggest one

I deal with our finances however there's a book with everything in it for my dh if he needs it or just wants to keep a track himself.

We both have access to all accounts etc so there's no blame to lay at anyone's door.

He's probably been trying to cover it up as he doesn't want you to worry but that's not helpful.

In the grand scheme of things that can be paid back with some tweaking of things but you should sit together and do that so your both on the same page.

This x100.

It's really unfair to him.

It's fine for one of you to manage the finances, but you both need to be aware. Why don't you have joint and equal access to family finances?

The words being used, stuck head in the sand, breezed around, took no interest, is unbelievable. Her partner obviously said he could manage the finances and if he couldn’t then he’s old enough to say to his wife we have an issue or I need support with this. She’s trusted him as he’s made out he is capable and everything is ok. She maybe picked more if the load with the kids. As much as I would forgive him as it was spent on family stuff and he seems sorry we would need to work on trust

It sounds as though DH kept the situation from OP because she was already finding it stressful (so was likely to find it more so if she knew they had even less money than she thought they did). This sounds well meaning, even if misguided. I think OP needs to honestly think about how she might have reacted if she'd known earlier. And yes, they need to both manage the situation together, going forward.

I can understand why you might be angry that he didn't communicate with you that there were issues and instead used debt; but I agree that you should at least have been checking in with him so shoulder some responsibility.
I would suggest you both do a (free Rebel Finance School on YouTube) course and schedule monthly meetings to review finances.
I love doing finances and managing money so I do ours and we review annually together but we have no debt. You can work on nothing uour communication and your finances. You will be okay.

I’ve got a feeling that OP won’t be back. She maybe doesn’t work, so can’t answer that question without all of us then jumping on her not taking financial responsibility by working!