Dh lied about our finances

[Vancarsin]

Not sure how to feel about this. Dh has been ‘managing’ our finances for a couple of years. Things have been tight and I’ve found it stressful. To cut a long story short, I’ve discovered that he’s been using our credit cards to plug the gap, to the tune of 4K.

he’s cried and apologised and has explained that he just wanted to make it all work, and that he didn’t want to worry or stress me further. I can see that it’s all gone on family stuff and all payments are up to date thank god.

I feel angry and need to find a way to move forward. Help!

oh behave!

the £4K has gone on you/your family.
”things have been tight” - even that seems to have been quite the effort for you. Give him a break and take some responsibility!

If it’s not already on an interest free credit card then transfer it to one and stop spending on it. Then work with your OH to manage your debt and curb your spending instead of moaning about him on here.

When I read the title I thought it was going to be about your DH hiding money from you, or a gambling addiction, or showing off to your friends about things that aren't true. All this would be bad.

But what's happened is he's lied, which is very bad, but about something that he's genuinely tried to do to keep stress off you and probably mage him incredibly stressed as a result, in a misguided attempt to help.

I agree it is a breach of trust and you need to have serious words about financial transparency and honesty. You have a right not to be put in a financial position you don't know about because he's hiding it from you.

But, he's been doing it to try and save you from the stress, and it sounds like he thought or hoped he could manage it and somehow make it better, in a way to protect you not just to try and protect himself from looking bad.

I would forgive this and try and move on from it. Total financial honesty and transparency from now on, and now that you both know about the issues you can figure out a way to get through it together. Maybe approach a bank about consolidating the credit debt into a personal loan (much lower interest rates) with a payment plan you can manage and cut up the credit cards for good.

OP, is he controlling and won't let you have control or look at the finances? If so, yes, you've got a right to be angry.

Otherwise, fair enough if one of you keeps on eye on the finances a bit more, pays credit cards/bills etc, but surely the other one would be checking them occasionally to see how much is left that month, if you've had a refund etc? If you have been quite happy to leave it totally to him and not even bother to check on things occasionally, then it's on both of you.

If it's the latter and your relationship means anything to you, I'd sit down with DH in next 24 hours and discuss this, pointing out that maybe you could have kept an eye on things a bit more yourself to ensure your family wasn't overspending.

Now you know the situation, you can both work towards cutting back.

It’s done. Time for anger is over. Come up with a strict budget moving forward and nobody is to buy big items without discussion even if it’s much needed family stuff. Work out how you will pay for it.

get a 0% balance transfer card and make minimum payments while you right yourselves.