Friend's comments about me returning to work

[User7526]

We have been friends for 10 years. I went off on Maternity and I am returning to work on Monday.

She has made comments like "I could never leave my baby and go to work. Especially as she's not even 1" and "you'll never get this time back so you should think about it properly" "they're so young still, surely you don't want to miss out on their firsts"

We went from normal conversations to now every conversation being about how she feels sorry for my baby and 4 year old and how I have the rest of my life to work so what's the hurry to go back? She hasn't worked for 12 years. Her decision but I do not judge.

My job requires me to work on Christmas day but that is not a reason for me to resign. I do not work every single Christmas either.

She has gone as far as saying "your LO's will remember that they've had to spend Christmas without you, they might grow up to resent you" - that really hurt.

I thought she would stop after making a few comments as I felt she's coming from a good plsce but it's constant now and it's as if she doesn't want to see me anymore as she thinks I am selfish for going back.

Not sure how to navigate this. If I try to talk about other stuff I just get a "hmm" back. If I talk about work then it's a big lecture. WWYD?

She's not a friend.

She really needs to mind her own business. You being a working mum won't affect the quality of your parenting at all. Many (most?) women choose to return to work. Many have no choice and simply can't afford not to work.
I think you need to be blunt and explain that her comments are insensitive and hurtful. She has no right to criticise how you live your life.
You could point out that you're a positive role model for your child, showing that women don't only exist to do domestic chores but can have fulfilling careers. You're also teaching your child the value of earning your own money and not being completely financially dependent on your spouse. If your partner died, cheated, or ran off with another women you'd be in a much stronger position than your friend if her husband did a runner.

Honestly I get this a lot. I reply with 'it's a choice. My choice. Women can choose. We're even allowed to vote now!' I know it's sarcastic but I'm so fed up with it. I want to work.

I returned to work when my son was 6 months old, he was looked after at the workplace creche. He didn't suffer and had a much better childhood, with two working parents.

Don't let your friend guilt trip you like this.

I'm blunt.

I'd have said, 'Keep your opinions to yourself. It's rude. You've no right to sneer at other people's choices when you've got a DH who is the sole breadwinner. Just because you've got a lovely life as a SAHM you don't get to judge other people'.

And I'd get up and walk out if she brought it up again. She's an utter bitch, to be frank.

Sounds like she is feeling inadequate and trying to validate her own choices by criticising yours.

She isn't a good friend and I'd be inclined to ditch the friendship and tell her why. If you don't want to ditch her, then I would tell her very clearly that you're happy with your choices, that your dc are fine and that her judgemental comments are not welcome. If she is able to put a lid on it, the friendship can continue. If not, then let it go.

Honestly tell her to shut the fuck up. That unless she stops that the friendship is over. I don’t know why you haven’t already - she is being incredibly bitchy and horrible, why put yourself through it?

Wow thank you all for your replies. I am glad I posted because i'm already feeling better about it all. I'll admit I started to feel guilty for going back after everything she said.

It seems as though she's heading towards ditching the friendship with me as she sees it as "extremely selfish" to return to work and clearly can't see beyond that. Not only do I want to go back for financial stability but also because I enjoy what I do. She sees that as being a selfish mum

Your kids will grow up seeing a hard working, smart, kind mum who worked so they can have a great life! That’s not selfish, that’s what makes a good mum.

Thanks all. In a much better headspace and actually excited once again to return next week. Silly of me to let her get me down about it all.

She's trying to justify her own choices. She's made your choice about her choice!!! Can't stand people who do that. Have you tried shutting her down with a nice bland statement like "well we're all different" or "I think one of the best things about our friendship is how different our lives are but we still connect, by the way have you been watching X on netflix" and just change topic every time.

“You make the decisions that are right for you and your family and I’ll make the decisions that are right for me and my family”.

If she pushes again. “My children will be proud of me working hard to provide financial stability for them”. “My children will grow up seeing both parents contribute equally”. “My children will understand that we can celebrate Christmas when I am back from work and me working an occasional Christmas does not stop us making Christmas memories and traditions”.

My mum has now passed but you know what I remember most about her? it was not whether she worked or not (she did) it was her kindness.

Your "friend" should focus on her vile judgy attitude, rather than worrying about other people's working arrangements. That is far more likely to affect her own children than whether she has a job or not.

Is dad in work, is he selfish for being there or just you?

Ditch this toxic "friend"

She's daft, not to be able to support herself.
Never rely on anyone else for money.

Have you read the relationship and divorce boards about men in middle age preferring a new younger wife, and the old one is destitute as she has no skills and no career

You make the right choices for you and your family

Exactly this. My mum worked loads. She had to return to work when we were all a few weeks old. My dad had health problems and at times my mum was working three jobs to keep a roof over our head.
Do you know what? I never remember her being absent. She was (and still is) the most involved and loving mother you can imagine. She is the kindest person I've ever met and I feel so lucky to have been raised by her. She has always been there for me.

This is really shitty of your friend OP, don’t for one second let her comments make you doubt yourself. It’s definitely coming from her own insecurities, when we are happy with our lives we do not feel the need to make judgments like this of others, especially not your “friends”

I’d really reconsider the friendship on this basis, life is hard enough as a mum and the last thing you need is your “friend” telling you they feel sorry for your kid

for what it’s worth I take my hat off to you, your kids are lucky to have such a great role model as their mum

Yep this. No proper friend would make those comments

Is she just panicking that you won't be around for her anymore?

Sounds like a frenemy..

She’s a dick.

Ditch the "friend" and tell her why. I'm a SAHM and am not judging you at all.

How you kept your cool listening to a “friend” saying that. Girl you need a new friend. I got that crap all the time as I travelled for work. Ah do you not miss them etc. etc. Have two happy, rounded teens now and a good business that I started when I was pregnant with the first born. Imagine how nasty you would come across if you commented on your friend staying at home for 12 years. Do not let this crazy woman get into your head!! Loads of mums work and it doesn’t make us bad mothers.

I guarantee that your children will have no idea that it’s not Christmas Day if you do it all on Boxing Day.

Personally, I chose to stay at home. Many of my friends went back to work. Their kiddies all seemed happy enough. We all do what suits us best, nothing wrong with that.

I think as you've been friends for 10 years I wouldn't be in a hurry to say something that will end that if this is the only issue.

I'd just say something like ' I'm afraid we are going to have to agree to disagree on this one Sarah. I'm not sure if you're aware, but every time we speak now you raise this. I'm happy with my decision to return to work and feel it's right for me. I don't want this to come between us and would rather it wasn't discussed again. '

She sounds to me like she's deflecting. Perhaps she's worried she won't be able to get a decent job after having so long out of work.