Friend's comments about me returning to work

[User7526]

We have been friends for 10 years. I went off on Maternity and I am returning to work on Monday.

She has made comments like "I could never leave my baby and go to work. Especially as she's not even 1" and "you'll never get this time back so you should think about it properly" "they're so young still, surely you don't want to miss out on their firsts"

We went from normal conversations to now every conversation being about how she feels sorry for my baby and 4 year old and how I have the rest of my life to work so what's the hurry to go back? She hasn't worked for 12 years. Her decision but I do not judge.

My job requires me to work on Christmas day but that is not a reason for me to resign. I do not work every single Christmas either.

She has gone as far as saying "your LO's will remember that they've had to spend Christmas without you, they might grow up to resent you" - that really hurt.

I thought she would stop after making a few comments as I felt she's coming from a good plsce but it's constant now and it's as if she doesn't want to see me anymore as she thinks I am selfish for going back.

Not sure how to navigate this. If I try to talk about other stuff I just get a "hmm" back. If I talk about work then it's a big lecture. WWYD?

you don't need to navigate this friendship. Either you agree together not to speak about the topic again (doubtful this will succeed) or you kick her into the long grass.

You can do it slowly and subtly so she barely notices, or you can shout "get to fuck you judgypants" and block her on everything.

You are making the right decision for you. Everyone else can support you or STFU.

ETA: re Christmas. Do whatever fits your family schedule. Kids learn to love their own family traditions. We're a culturally British family in Germany. we have always celebrated Christmas the British way (presents on Christmas day) while their friends all got theirs on Christmas eve. Due to DH working sometimes, we even did "christmas day" on Boxing day. Nobody died. Everyone loved it.

Crumbs @User7526 she’s mean. Fine to have own opinion but not to be so mean. Even if she said “well it’s not for me but hope it goes ok” or just nothing. Imagine if you chose to be so dismissive of her choices. Ordinarily you wouldn’t, but maybe now’s the time to throw it right back at her “well each to their own - I completely disagree with your approach; wouldn’t normally be unkind but as it hasn’t bothered you to share your opinion so dismissively of my choices, so here’s mine”.

She sounds jealous OP.

Have a close friend of 40 years she’s a committed NHS worker. Four DC. Supportive DH. An absolute smasher of a person.
Over the years here and her DH just muck in together. She’s worked all sorts of crazy shift patterns including Christmas.
And guess what? She had produced 4 amazing, balanced, loving and adventurous children. They all volunteer, work whilst at Uni, are independent and as a family are so bonded.
The girls in particular have seen their mum step up during the pandemic and are so proud of her. They all have their own career paths.
There is nothing wrong with staying at home if you do choose. Little ones know that they are loved or they are not loved.
If my friend worked over Christmas they would have two Christmas days, and the kids thought that was even more exciting. They are not interested in material stuff, either.

Oh wow I would slowly back away from that friendship - she’s got her own insecurities clearly. Happy mum happy kids.

No they won't because you can have your Christmas celebration on Christmas Eve or Boxing day instead of Christmas Day .

My mother stayed home. All I learnt was that women are the weaker sex and should accept all the housework and childcare and end up without a pension. My brother grew into a misogynist arsehole.

You can work and have good quality time with your kids too. You are doing what's best for them you are showing them a woman is more than a mother

If it makes you feel better I got grief for being a sahm . I got called lazy , entitled, a woman of leisure, someone who sponged of her husband when in-reality I would have loved a part time job to get out of the house . I could because we didn't have child care and my husband drove for a living and was never home at the same time , especially if there was an accident on the motorway . Damned if you do - damned if you don't !

My best friend dropped her stellar career after a couple of "friends" came out with remarks like this when she was at a low point. She lost her whole career and can't get back into it, and these losers drifted away anyway. She bitterly regrets having made such a permanent decision for a temporary feeling.
I went back to work quite early because we shared the leave 50:50 but I didn't miss any firsts. Some things were much better because I didn't have much drudgery in the day, only the fun parts.

There are many ways to be a good Mother, whether that includes paid employment or not.

Women can't do right really, if you go back to work you are selfish, neglectful, thinking too much about money. If you decide to stay home you're selfish, lazy, entitled, being kept by a man, not setting a good example. Chose your poison.

OneBlackHeart · Today 13:32
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My mother stayed home. All I learnt was that women are the weaker sex and should accept all the housework and childcare and end up without a pension. My brother grew into a misogynist arsehole

That’s on your mother’s character, I’m afraid, not that she stayed at home.

I was at home. My husband and I are equal partners, emotionally, practically and financially. I own half of everything and his pension is signed over to me if he pre-deceases me. All decisions are joint.

I stop short of saying that our 21 year old son is a feminist because I’m not entirely sure that men can be. He is most certainly not misogynistic though. He’s more enlightened than we are in many ways and we learn from him. As we do from our 29 year old daughter.

I know families where both parents went out to work who have very dodgy opinions and principals.

I think it could simply boil down to how she wants your shifts? Is threatened by the fact you might get promoted above her? She's literally trying to guilt trip you into quitting your job.
Now why on earth would your good friend want you to do that? Knowing that you need the money to survive and support your family?
I think she's jealous, rude and awful personally.
Just say flatly 'sorry, but I'm not quitting my job just because you think I should.'
Unless she's got a PhD in early child development I don't see why she feels you require her comments on your alleged parenting failures.

SerenityNowSerenityNow
She's not a friend.

That might be a bit of a leap- she just obviously thinks she knows better or is trying to justify her choices. Op just say ‘you’re really not helping, I have to and want to do this’.

My children can't remember a thing before the age of 3. Her words will bite her if her partner leaves her and she's skint or wants to retire and has a shit pension.

My (in many ways fantastic, loving) mum was a SAHM until we were all in school and then worked school hours only. She was absolutely devoted to us and I have many happy memories of sitting on the kitchen counter chatting in the afternoons while she prepared dinner. She taught me a huge amount about "housekeeping", as well as DIY and budgeting, being compassionate and resourceful, and I'm incredibly grateful to her.
And also, now in her 70s, she's a shell of her former self who lives only for visits from her grandchildren. She has very little identity of her own outside of her family and now with all her children grown, her world is quite small and lonely, with few sources of meaning or fulfillment. This is a complicated source of guilt for me and my brother, who have also had to work hard as adults to unpick quite a lot of harmful or unhelpful messages about gender and womanhood in particular.

Your friend is being both naive and hugely unkind to suggest that her approach will pass only positive things on to her children and yours will pass on negative things.

Friends don't guilt trip, they don't judge. The only situation where it is appropriate to intervene is for a person's mental or physical safety.

She is not a friend.

Why is she so invested?

Do you see a lot of her midweek? Is she annoyed that she's now going to be on her own?

Either way, she is not her friend.

Turn the tables. Just chuckle and say "Ohno, I can't wait. I'm going to take her to XY and Z with my salary. And my friends at work have little ones the same age and we're going to do such and such together. And she adores her nursery and has such a lovely time there.....are you ok? You sound like maybe you're unhappy with some of your choices?"

She sounds like an arsehole, to be honest.

She sounds like an arse and a bully, with very outdated attitudes.

You’re not obliged to stay friends with her, but you’ll probably feel a lot better if you tell her why you’re distancing yourself.

My mum worked Christmas day for most of my childhood, the anticipation of her coming home and making Christmas dinner with my dad and sisters for the evening (and the fry-up we had for lunch) was normal and fun.

Each family has its own traditions and we loved ours ( and thought everyone had Xmas dinner at tea time).

Also it meant we got xmas day at home and weren't dragged round relatives houses which my friends had to endure, and hated.

She's jealous

Dump her, she's not a friend.

I had a 'friend' do the same when she was expecting her first. I was a FT working mum (dual income household). Constant remarks about "Oh I could NEVER return to work after the baby is born, it would just be wrong" and "I want to raise my own child, not pay someone else to do it" and the gem "A woman shouldn't have a child if she doesn't plan to stay home". Sure enough, she quit her job when she went on mat leave.

Oh how I laughed when she ended up having to go back to work because her wage was needed to keep a roof over their heads. Suddenly being a working mum was important "to show our children that women are equal" and "It's better for our children to have early socialization".

Yes, Love, whatever.

I wouldn't be able to get on with someone who criticizes my lifestyle choices.

In a sense I'm opposite to you, OP, because I'm a SAHM. (Well actually I suffer from CPTSD and am currently going through the criminal justice system as a survivor of CSA and incest.... but all that aside....)

I have reasons to be a SAHM which I would never disclose to anyone. I get comments from time to time like "don't you get bored?" Or even "You must stay inside a lot".

All it does is make me think the other person lacks insight.

So yeah I've never had comments like "your children will miss you on Christmas day" but instead I get comments about being a SAHM.

Some people are just dick heads.

I had to go back to work when mine were very young (3 months) as we just simply couldn’t afford me not to. I’m out the other side now (kids are 20 and 24) and am happy to report they are delightful young adults living fulfilling lives and they don’t blame me at all for being a working mum. My daughter says I inspired her. Your friend is not a friend and sounds a little like she feels left behind and may be doubting her own choices.

I’d sarcastically say “yeah, clearly I don’t love my son as much as you love yours” with an eye roll. She’s a twat.

Not sure about 'friend"status. This is saying more about her isn't it? If you feel able ask her if she knows Why she is making these comments as it makes you worry about her. She may well change her tune. If not suggest you give her a wide berth at least for a while.