Friend's comments about me returning to work

[User7526]

We have been friends for 10 years. I went off on Maternity and I am returning to work on Monday.

She has made comments like "I could never leave my baby and go to work. Especially as she's not even 1" and "you'll never get this time back so you should think about it properly" "they're so young still, surely you don't want to miss out on their firsts"

We went from normal conversations to now every conversation being about how she feels sorry for my baby and 4 year old and how I have the rest of my life to work so what's the hurry to go back? She hasn't worked for 12 years. Her decision but I do not judge.

My job requires me to work on Christmas day but that is not a reason for me to resign. I do not work every single Christmas either.

She has gone as far as saying "your LO's will remember that they've had to spend Christmas without you, they might grow up to resent you" - that really hurt.

I thought she would stop after making a few comments as I felt she's coming from a good plsce but it's constant now and it's as if she doesn't want to see me anymore as she thinks I am selfish for going back.

Not sure how to navigate this. If I try to talk about other stuff I just get a "hmm" back. If I talk about work then it's a big lecture. WWYD?

She’s not confident of her life choices and just wants someone else to be in the same boat as her to validate the decisions she has made.

How have you managed not to tell this judgy arsehole to fuck off and mind their own business? Or even 'Why do my choices bother you so much?'
Yes, a friend is allowed to offer an opinion that differs from yours. Thereafter - when it makes no difference to their life and is of no help to yours - they should bloody well keep it to themselves.

Nobody says any of this stuff to dads, do they? Nope. They can just carry on at work like nothing happened. It is always mums. Why do people insist on trying to make mums feel guilty for going back to work?

I'm a SAHM and I wouldn't dream of saying anything like this to anyone. I'd tell her quite frankly she is overstepping and if she wants our friendship to continue this topic will be no longer up for discussion. A real friend would be supporting you and be understanding of your perfectly valid choice.

Sounds like she’s insecure that you have a career and she doesn’t.

Most Mums go back to work after maternity so she can’t find it that shocking?

Yup. Total guilt-tripping b*tch.

Wow she’s vile.
it’s hard enough leaving your baby and returning to work it’s 100% what you want and you know it’s the right thing, without people trying to throw guilt on top.

my daughter has loved her time at nursery and she’s thrived. As far as we know we didn’t miss any firsts as a family, I caught her first word, her first steps. the only thing I missed was her first “mama” but she was with dad.
im also a better person and mum for having the time away

She’s insecure about her own choices. 12 years out the work place is not just staying home as they are so little. It reflects on her, in her mind. She could en getting pressure at home to work. Who knows. But what she’s doing is not acceptable. It shouldn’t be her thinking of ditching the friendship it should be you.

Out of interest what did she do before having children? She may be using the children thing as an excuse to not yo back to work.
A midwife and gp said similar to me. I went back after 5 months. I told them if you want to pay my mortgage and bills I'll stay off. They shut up pretty quickly then.

I feel sorry for the husbands of women like this. Imagine viewing your own husband with contempt because he was able to leave his baby when you ‘couldn’t’. Having such a low opinion of the key parental responsibility of providing for your own child.

Does she have other friends? Perhaps she's worried she'll be lonely when you return to work.
Not your problem!

Ask her if she’s going to pay you your salary so you don’t have to go back to work. No? Butt out then and stop with the guilt trips.

She sounds like a silly cow.

Yup!

My mum worked, including Christmas, throughout my childhood and teens. Never occured to me to mind, it was just normal. We worked around it. Both my parents showed me a good work ethic from day dot and worked hard so we could have a nice house, holidays, they helped me with uni etc. I don't feel like I missed out.

Did your friend have a job rather than a career op? There is a correlation between women who return to work after maternity and level of education. I’d take no notice of her and be happy with your choices.

She sounds insecure about her own life choices. Shut her down. If she keeps it up then distance yourself from her. She's going to be lonely in the long run if she treats her friends like this.
I'd guess people who behave like her are the ones that post on MN about 'career women' disliking SAHMs.

As an aside, I sometimes have to work Christmas day. That doesn't cause any issues in our house, so don't worry about that.

Tell her that you've heard what she's git to say on the matter but if she wants yoyr friendship to remain she has to now stop commenting as it's yoyr decision and you are happy with it considering everything.

My mum also often worked Christmas Day (I'm guessing you work in health care?). People forget kids also have dads. It was always so special when she'd get off shift at 3pm and we'd have Christmas lunch and open presents. She's retired now and we still wait until 4pm for Christmas dinner and opening presents.

I also ended up joining her working health care as a teen and would often work Christmas
Day with her on the same ward! It was lovely and she set such a good example. Christmas was different but special.

Also, I'm sure you have reasons for going back and that's fine (I'm
sure none of them include not loving your kids). Your friend forgets in the US mothers often go back at 6 weeks! We have it really good. Also, will baby remember it? No. Are your kids happy? That's for you to answer but I'm sure you'd do something of the answer was no.

My brother and sister in law don't have kids yet but SIL often comments how once they do she won't go back to work. I don't think she realises that childcare is full time work and she's used to a certain standard of living which will be compromised with only half the income!

Absolutely old school thinking.

Just curious does she say the say thing to your husband? You can’t get this time back? Yeah because a one year old remembers every single day with total accuracy and clarity.

I chose to go back to work. Chose. Why? Because frankly I am setting a good example to my children that women are strong, independent and don’t need to be dependant on a man for anything. I chose to engage my brain and for me I am a better mother having that balance in my life.

Stay at home if you want to but the sanctimonious bull towards other women has to stop.

This - in my experience the only people who judge others choices re working/SAH are the ones uncomfortable with their own choices.

Agree with all this. I don't think parents working on Christmas Day is as big a deal for kids as people make it out to be. My mum had to do it when I was a child (nursing). I remember my dad explaining "your mum has an important job looking after sick people at the hospital, so we'll celebrate Christmas when she's home" and feeling really proud. I certainly didn't resent it.

Your friend is rude, OP

Thank you all for the replies. I am starting to distance myself from her. It's funny it can take so long to see things like this in a person! I appreciate you all sharing your experiences with me also. It helped a lot and made me feel much more positive