What should I take when visiting bereaved colleague.

[Appro]

My male colleague's father has died. Id like to visit him and take something with me but not sure what the done thing is in the UK. I'm not from here and in my culture, the entire village would descend onto the bereaved family home with everyone helping out with everything from the funeral, cooking, etc. We don't give flowers which, correct me if I'm wrong is done here. To give flowers in my culture would be considered bizarre so I don't want to do the wrong thing and offend him or anything.

Ive texted him to ask if it's okay to see him even just at the door for a few minutes. Id like to take something and would appreciate some suggestions. Thank you

Personally I have took home cooked food that can be put in the microwave to warm , a condolence card is frequently done here

I would take a cook meal. All tasty and easy to eat.

A cooked meal, and as everyone is saying the same, put a note on it - use by date - or if it can be frozen.

I think you are right to avoid flowers too, I was awash with them when DH died and didn't have enough vases for them and then they died and it was a reminder that DH had died too. A card is common practice and some easy to eat food was appreciated when I was bereaved.

Don’t take flowers, they can be such a pain if you’ve already been given loads and you’ve run out of bloody vases. If you’re literally popping by I’d take biscuits. When you can’t be arsed with a proper meal you can eat a biscuit and offer them to visitors. Also a nice card. Do you know what you want to write in it?

A condolence card. As pps have said, food is great but actually some tea bags and biscuits would be useful: there are usually lots of people coming in and out of the house and tea bags just disappear.

Flowers are traditional but honestly, when I lost my mother I had 14 separate bouquets delivered to the house and it was a running nightmare of running out of vases, topping up water, getting read of dead flowers (not even a metaphor) and rearranging, I would very much counsel against flowers.

Ooh I'm not sure my food will go down well as he doesn't like my country cuisine and I don't really cook British type food.

Can you give some meal suggestions and I can Google some recipes and make something.

Make sure all of this is definitely ok OP.

Two of my colleagues have lost very close family members within days of each other, and I can tell you they would both genuinely hate a visit right now.

It's all they can manage to answer a text.

I too didn't want anyone turning up on my doorstep with or without food when I lost my mother.

I knew people were being kind, but it wasn't what I wanted to have to cope with.

@AnneLovesGilbert on the card I was going to write that I'm really sorry for his loss and if he wants to talk or not either way I'm here for him. I was going to just keep it short.

Take a condolence card.

Appro · Today 23:14

on the card I was going to write that I'm really sorry for his loss and if he wants to talk or not either way I'm here for him. I was going to just keep it short.

That sounds perfect.

Yes. A cooked meal ready to either freeze or pop in the oven. Ideally in a container you don't need returning or can be thrown away instead of washing up (home bargain sell good foil trays with lids that will freeze and go straight in the oven followed by the bin). Alternatively, a neighbour once brought us a cooked roast chicken in similar circumstances. It was a very sensible idea if you know they eat meat - can be used for sandwiches/with jacket pots/chips or salad and coleslaw. Anything that makes life easier without worrying about logistics and who's pot is who's. But if you do take food then try and aim for the bits that go with it too i.e. rice/pasta/garlic bread/the coleslaw & bag of salad. If people have run stocks down you don't want to be eating bolognaise on toast (but maybe a loaf of bread/milk to save them going out in the immediate couple of days depending on how well you know them) our friends/neighbours and random food parcels really was wonderful at a time we knew we had to eat but wouldn't have wanted to actually think/cook it

A Hug.

A card,...

Beyond that everything was a lovely thought, but often took more 'energy' than I had to give. My best friend was my absolute rock & took over (organising the flowers, topping up water, throwing away dead ones, changing the water) and putting the cakes/biscuits into containers, putting them out for visitors)

it was quite a relief when people just turned up with a hug & let me cry on them & repeat the same old shite.

if you take a card try to just put it down on a table, kitchen work top or table etc.I found it so hard to open/read them while people stood there.

just be there for him, that's all he really needs. 🤗

Honestly I’d skip home cooked tbh and get some Cook meals or some meals from M&S. Plainer and carb rich the better because you lose your appetite and comfort food is so helpful. I’d also take a basket with things like sweet and savoury biscuits, tea, sweet slices. Things you can nibble on.

A card with a simple message, don’t over think it.

You sound lovely OP, thinking about what he wants not what you think he wants.

I’ve been bereaved sadly too many times and I was always surprised by people I wasn’t that close to, showing up and being so kind. It means a lot.

OP - it’s great you ask. The most important is not to give anything ‘celebratory’ : nearly 2 decades on I still remember the ‘friend’ who gave me a bottle of sherry and a box of chocolates when my father died. Utterly bizarre in our Asian culture and very hurtful

Flowers - ok if you don’t think there will be lots of others given but can be a pain

A card is great, simple/plain food either home cooked or bought could be ok: again nothing too ‘festive’. Do you NEED to take anything beyond a card?

The tradition of food is kind, but from a time before supermarket deliveries/ready meals/take aways etc

If you have to give food, then a fairly plain selection of biscuits and an explanation ‘in case you can’t eat much’ is ok. But it’s not a celebration, you don’t need to give anything. I’m sure the visit will be appreciated

@MrsPinkSky oh it's been around 10 days since the death. In that time I have texted him.a couple of times to give my condolences, see how he was etc. I totally get that sometimes you don't want visitors. I was the same with my df. However, when I did text asking him if I could visit at the door, I did say it was absolutely and understandable if he didn't. He would tell me if he wasn't comfortable with it.

That sounds perfect. TBH I didn’t want flowers, biscuits or meals brought to me when my DH died. A kindly worded card meant so much more.

Hmmm he might be being polite?

I know your heart is in the right place but sometimes the most well meaning colleagues can be intrusive.

A text to let him know you're there if he needs you was more than enough.

I think as it's only been 10 days, anything else is a bit of overkill on top of everything he has to do/arrange while he's grieving.

But you know best, as long as you're 100% sure he's not just being polite.

From someone recently bereaved (my gorgeous mum) I was sick of flowers. I didn’t have enough vases and it was a constant reminder everywhere. I’d of loved loads of junk shit food (I was struggling to eat) and maybe some ready meals people knew I liked. Soft drinks and a fluffy blanket (wish I’d got one now!). Flowers are nice and so lovely for people to do but it’s just another thing to die and, in my experience anyway, you’re not interested in beautiful things around you. Just comfort x

When a dear relative of mine died I had some lovely letters and cards, but I was especially touched by the friend who brought round a home made chocolate cake - "comfort food" - and by the thought that she'd taken the time and trouble to make it for me.

A meal or a dessert they can easily heat that you know they can eat and a card is fine. I personally wouldn't do flowers as some people find them too much a reminder of the funeral. Or a small gift card for coffee so they can go out and do something nice that's not ott to feel a bit normal when they're ready.

Actually, considering you've texted him a couple of times already, asked if you can go to his house to see him, you're going to send a card, you want to cook/give him something.

I really would just back off a bit now and send something through the post instead.

That way he knows you're thinking of him, you've sent him something lovely and he doesn't have to deal with a face to face visit.

Does that sound better for everyone OP?

Better to bring a nice tin of biscuits, OP. Much less faff and easier for the bereaved person to ‘use’ and handy for visitors.
Add a condolences card and you’re done.