What should I take when visiting bereaved colleague.

[Appro]

My male colleague's father has died. Id like to visit him and take something with me but not sure what the done thing is in the UK. I'm not from here and in my culture, the entire village would descend onto the bereaved family home with everyone helping out with everything from the funeral, cooking, etc. We don't give flowers which, correct me if I'm wrong is done here. To give flowers in my culture would be considered bizarre so I don't want to do the wrong thing and offend him or anything.

Ive texted him to ask if it's okay to see him even just at the door for a few minutes. Id like to take something and would appreciate some suggestions. Thank you

Oh no, thats why I've started this thread. I don't want to upset him by giving the wrong thing. Some posters have suggested cake and to me that would be weird but he does love his cake!

Not at all - I’d of loved a cake! I hated the cards

A nice card would be a thoughtful gesture. Personally I would avoid flowers. It will help him to know someone is thinking of him.

You're so thoughtful Appro. In my culture we would also be more involved with the bereaved family than is usual in the UK. I think a nice M&S lasagne or shepherd's pie plus maybe a cake if he likes that would be perfect. Hope it goes well.

Another one wading in about the flowers, I had 43 bouquets of them was madness. I appreciated the food, the cakes, the chocolate, cereal bars, I didn't feel like eating but they where easy to grab something or offer out to visitors

I don't think I would really have cared what the actual gift was, it's the sentiment and the fact it's sent with love and thought that matters.

What I would really have hated was a colleague contacting me so often and then inviting themselves round, even to stay on the doorstep.

I could've just about coped with an actual friend doing that, but not a colleague.

I would've found it stressful (although clearly well meaning).

Your card message if just right and you can help by showing when you see him that you really do want to hear how he is. He might want to talk about his dad too but not everyone is open to listening. I wouldn’t do any cooking but a tin of biscuits is a good gift.

Leave him be for the time being and post a card
Grief makes you tired, he's probably surviving on tea and biscuits and the odd sandwich/bit of cake
Plus the admin etc that comes with a death
I know you mean well but wait until he's returned to work and then offer to take him to lunch or coffee and cake if he's feeling up to it

You sound lovely op. I wish you were my colleague.

I would have really appreciated a card from any of my colleagues when my sister passed, instead of getting grunted at for taking time off work.

My sister's colleagues gave me flowers, but I didn't really have the headspace to cope with sorting a vase etc so I gave them to the lovely lady who'd been looking after my dogs.

I definitely wouldn't have turned away anyone turning up on my doorstep with a ready meal or a packet of biscuits

Obviously I don't know what sort of relationship you have with this colleague but my first thought is to wonder whether you should be going to see him at all. I wouldn't have welcomed this when I've been bereaved. Are you doing this for you or for him? Be honest with yourself.

Yes I was exhausted with grief and the whole planning a funeral for the first time in my life.

I found it really complicated and really stressful. To be honest, the only people I really wanted to see in person were those who could help me with that.

Everything else even many years on, is still a blur.

100% this

When my FIL died, many years ago now, the overload of flowers became oppressive and depressing. Don't take flowers. A card is much better.

When one of my school mum friends husband died I bought her a Just eat voucher. She had to return to work pretty quickly and figured it would be good If she didn't want to cook for her and her son, or they needed a little treat. I did the same on their wedding anniversary (he died a few months after they got married), mothers day and the anniversary of his death. She said she absolutely loved it because it took pressure off and let them have a treat when they needed it

Many many people. Totally normal in my experience.

Ooh I'm not sure what you mean by I'm doing this for me?! In my culture, waiting this long would be seen as rude considering I live only a 10 minute drive away. I have purposely waited this long but like I said if he didn't want to see me he would say.

And to the pps who have suggested that I'm being a bit too much. It really isn't. He texted me about the death and I texted him to which he replied and I texted him back. This was over a few days. My last communication was ages ago.

I don't know if there's an ulterior motive but the amount of contact is pretty OTT for a colleague.

Note she doesn't call him a friend. If she did, the level of contact might be more natural.

Unless you are really very close to this colleague, I wouldn't be visiting at all.

My colleagues sent me a lovely card after my dad died, which I really appreciated, but I would absolutely have hated it if any of them had wanted to drop by.

To me, it was a very difficult personal time, to be shared with close family and friends, not colleagues.

I understand you are trying to be thoughtful, but I would find it incredibly intrusive.

I'm not sure how long you've been in this country OP but you keep mentioning 'your culture'?

If he's not from the same culture then how is it relevant?

The Just Eat voucher a PP suggested is a good one. He can use it when he wants, for what he wants to eat and you don't have to stand on his doorstep because you can text it to him.

Spain???

I'm in Wales🤣

My mum died recently and my dad and I both had lots of cards, all of which were very much appreciated, especially the ones from people who knew mum well and wrote their memories of her. It doesn't sound as if you knew the person who died so the message you are planning on writing sounds perfect.

I might be the odd one out here because I had a lot of flowers and I loved them. My dad had a lot of food given to him and that was helpful because he really couldn't find time or headspace to cook. His favourite food gifts were ones that were easy to make so he was given a bag of cheese and crackers and that was great, and another kind neighbour brought him a loaf of bread and bottle of milk every other day, which was helpful. Quite a few neighbours gave flapjacks and tea bread, which was also helpful as it gave him something to hand out to the people who came round.