People who have no help

[BabaYagasLittleSister]

I know it was my choice to have children, and I don't regret it at all, and if I knew beforehand I would have no help at all I would still have them..

BUT

Does anyone else find it really really hard? All I ever see is friends with kids having date nights, going away for a few days without kids, nights out, day trips, having a job that doesn't have to fit around school hours. I don't know anyone else in real life who doesn't get help. It's hard looking at pictures on Facebook of other parents getting a break. But at the same time, you're not allowed to complain about not getting any help.

My husbands mum died when he was 15, and his dad shortly after our first was born. He has a brother but they live over an hour away and aren't close.

My mum died when I was 22, and my dad is still around but he's 76 and not in the best health. He has a wife, but we don't get on the best. She is quite jealous, and would never offer to help anything to do with my kids. I have a brother and sister in law who live about 5 mins away, but they are childless by choice and have never offered to help. Times I have had to ask they made it so clear it was a big ask I try to avoid it. They would probably help in an emergency, but not for us to go out.

My daughter is 8 and a half and I have spent one night away with my husband (our wedding night) , and one day trip when we had to pay a babysitter £200 for the privilege.

I guess I am more sad that I always think how different life would be if my mum was still around. She would have loved to be a grandma, and would have done anything for them. It's a constant heartbreak, that never gets easier.

I know I'm not the only one out there. Just need to get it out really, so please be nice. I know other people must have it worse and there are bigger problems.

Many people are saying 'we' have no help, but surely that being plural, is the help? I would get it if it was 'I'.

'We' (my husband and I) had a lovely social life, by..

1. Taking turns to have our dc on our own whilst the other went on nights out/breaks away with friends, or solo.

1. Socialising in houses more. Dinner parties etc. all the kids just slept over, camping style in the lounge.

1. Taking turns with friends to babysit for each other whilst they went out as couples.

1. Sleepovers with kids friends. Just organised them both to go to a friends on the same night. Then reciprocated.

I get that not everyone can do all of them depending on special needs of child, but why cant everyone's husbands not look after their own kids?

@arethereanyleftatall my DH is completely able and willing to look after the kids.

But that doesn't get me time away with him. I enjoy socialising without him too but it would be lovely to have a night away with him and not the kids. It would have been nice when I went to a child free wedding recently to have been there with my husband.

I feel you. We are introverted and don't host but sometimes we visit friends' with kids.

One doesn't do sleepovers, also different gender and friends. Younger goes to sleepovers but we'd feel bad leaving older alone (he doesn't like being alone).

Generally we did pay for sitters when they were younger but nowadays quite happy to not do anything. We are mostly driving kids somewhere or other on the weekends to a party or sports matches etc

mine will soon be old enough to be left home alone for the odd dinner date, but I'm quite happy to just chill with our own family these days.

Date night is an odd concept for me. I grew up seeing my parents every single evening and relaxing in the house together. If they had anything to discuss they'd do it when we were out. Weekends we'd all do our own thing/friends/matches unless there was a family lunch etc, and similarly catch up in evenings.

Huge hugs op, I think about how great my dad and his dad would have been with the kids too. Apt today as we’ve been told not to bring the kids to a pt meeting next week but mine are going to have to come

It's harder to make the social connections to build the village if you don't have that back-up in the first place, especially if you're in an area where people tend to have local family of the special goldilocks age range in the window of not being too young and time poor or too elderly. I hate asking for favours because it's hard to requite them and most people I know default to their families.

Add in bonus complications if a child has additional needs. DS isn't as strongly affected as OP's child, but even a child who copes with mainstream schooling can be too burned out to cope with external childcare and additional socialising.

I knew that we weren't going to get family support for raising a family, but the bit that's surprised me is how many people do get it, and what a difference that can make to incomes, work opportunities and being able to retain life as a couple as well as co-parents.

Now my two are 11 & 13 and can be left for 2-3 hours at a time, it's totally liberating that I can do things without being glued to them. I can now even enjoy the rock and roll lifestyle of going to the gym with DH. This is mindblowing after we had a 4 year phase of no suitable babysitter and zero child-free evenings together (the previous occasion had been a Beaver/ Cub camp)

We didn't have any help.

Just the way it was.
Living away from family (work), we got a friend's daughter to babysit when she turned 14, that helped socially. So if you know anyone you trust with older kids when they turn 14 you can pay them £10/15 an hour and go out for an evening.

But unexpected medical appointments, nights away, it was a juggle.

Thing is looking back, I didn't mind doing it. Once little ones are in bed, there was time in the evening to be together, read, watch films.

We exercised separately. And as adults went out with friends separately from time to time.

That stage is all over now, we are lucky to get the teens to watch a film with us, so I miss those days in many ways.

@arethereanyleftatall what you're describing is a form of help, that some of us can't / don't have that to tap into either. In DS social circle, play dates we've hosted are hardly reciprocated (it's not just to us, I have quietly checked!) and no-one has sleepovers.

We don't come from where live now, so don't have a close circle of friends here, so reciprocal babysitting isn't a thing

DH and I tag team so we can go out separately, but time away / out together as a couple is rarer. When we get a babysitter, when you factor in her time / cost + cost of doing something, it's not something we can do every week

What gets me I think is how casually people say to me like “the kids are having a sleepover at GPs” or they are taking them out for the day so I can catch up on the house,mostly just taking them so they can do stuff they would do anything from date nights, seeing friends, food shops. And it’s just the norm. I’ve never had that and it’s hard not to compare when all my friends with dc have it. Me and my dh don’t get time together as it is a struggle to keep on top of day to day things and work. Sorry for the rant I am very pleased people can get that support I think it’s probably jealousy talking!

I had the same. My parents died when my dds were quite small, and before that were too unwell and too far away to help. It was hard, and I still get resentful at how little input we have had from my MIl, when my own Mum would have loved to be here, seeing her grandchildren as teenagers.
It did make me jealous seeing grandmothers with their grandchildren, the grief would hit and I missed my Mum so much.
Sympathy to all those also missing their parents.

I find this hard to deal with too....my own mum would have been an involved loving grandmother I'm sure...but died when I was young. Mil has many gc but is barely interested in any of them..it seems so unfair