People who have no help

[BabaYagasLittleSister]

I know it was my choice to have children, and I don't regret it at all, and if I knew beforehand I would have no help at all I would still have them..

BUT

Does anyone else find it really really hard? All I ever see is friends with kids having date nights, going away for a few days without kids, nights out, day trips, having a job that doesn't have to fit around school hours. I don't know anyone else in real life who doesn't get help. It's hard looking at pictures on Facebook of other parents getting a break. But at the same time, you're not allowed to complain about not getting any help.

My husbands mum died when he was 15, and his dad shortly after our first was born. He has a brother but they live over an hour away and aren't close.

My mum died when I was 22, and my dad is still around but he's 76 and not in the best health. He has a wife, but we don't get on the best. She is quite jealous, and would never offer to help anything to do with my kids. I have a brother and sister in law who live about 5 mins away, but they are childless by choice and have never offered to help. Times I have had to ask they made it so clear it was a big ask I try to avoid it. They would probably help in an emergency, but not for us to go out.

My daughter is 8 and a half and I have spent one night away with my husband (our wedding night) , and one day trip when we had to pay a babysitter £200 for the privilege.

I guess I am more sad that I always think how different life would be if my mum was still around. She would have loved to be a grandma, and would have done anything for them. It's a constant heartbreak, that never gets easier.

I know I'm not the only one out there. Just need to get it out really, so please be nice. I know other people must have it worse and there are bigger problems.

I've got 3 kids and no real help, family/in laws all live within 10 minutes and ExDH decided to completely opt out of any parenting earlier this year.

I'm very lucky to have a school hours job and now DS is 13 he is happy to babysit his siblings (he also sits a neighbours DD after school once a week). Best advice is to find friends/neighbours with teens who want a bit of cash.

You arent alone OP- my mum died young and my dad wasnt interested in his grand children, ever. My DH's parents are on another continent so we had zero help and never even had so much as an hour's help.

Its not that I think I am entitled to help in any way but it did sting a bit when people who had 4 parents/in laws to help them used to say "just get a sitter!" as if its so bloody easy. It's not easy when you have noone you trust, they used to get entire weekend breaks away on their own. It used to make me feel really sad.

I guess now its kind of evened out as those people are now all caught up with elderly care whereas we are free so its swings and roundabouts really.

My first is 12 and my second 6 months old. My mum was the only person that would take care of her growing up and the condition was that it had to be during work or a work related thing - odd - but it just meant she made things real awkward if I was out “having fun” so I stopped asking. So my weekends would be spent with my DD unless it was an emergency. None of my close friends had children so they weren’t keen on babysitting and partners parents - one was abroad and the other in a care home. I had my dd in my 20s and looking back I don’t regret it, but it definitely Mean I drifted apart from many people as it was hard to go out when invited.

It got easier when she was at the end of Primary school as I had managed to make a few friends who also wanted some baby sitting and so we took it in turns to look after the children - but again it was the odd night out.

As teens it does get easier. And my mum prefers it because my daughter actually helps her out now (where’s my glasses, and have you seen where I put my bag). I’m back in it as the baby is attached to me 24/7 and I’m sad about me and DHs relationship as we just don’t do anything at all without the kids now.

You can still go out get a babysitter.
How about working on the relationship with your brother. An hour isn't that far really.

Unfortunately not, she doesn't drive and would find wrangling my two on trains etc stressful. We do drive up and see her in the school holidays and technically could leave them overnight with her and go off somewhere but I think it's a combination of wanting to spend time with her because we don't see her often and her not being used to having the kids as we live so far away.

It would be much more useful if FIL who is local to us was more involved but he's completely disinterested. Then again, DH says he wasn't involved as a parent either so it's no great surprise!

Lovely post @StealthilyEmbraceTheSilkyBeans

You are so right the first casualty is the relationship. The marriage or relationship is the foundation of the child's world and so often neglected. It's not that long ago since parents had dinners in restaurants with listening services, or kids were sent out to play after dinner in Summer and parents would sit down together. No one seems to invest in the relationship anymore and parenting is so much more hands on than it was 30 years ago. Add to the mix 2 working parents trying to coordinate childcare and housework after a day's work and it's no surprise people get angry and disconnect. Without doubt the people I know with the strongest marriages in the early years are those with hands on extended family or good sleepers. Some are lucky enough to have both. Most couples find their groove again when kids get older but damage can be done in those first 12 years that can be difficult to undo

We don't have any help but tbh we dont feel we need it. DH's family live overseas and I'm nc with mine so we've never done date nights or child-free holidays. I don't think it's common in our area (London) to have family helping - most friends with dcs have moved here from abroad or from elsewhere in the UK. I think most of them do have regular babysitters, but they pay for it (many of them have nannies and they will cover some evenings for a date night). We could afford to get a babysitter, but we've opted not to do that because we like doing the evening routine with the dcs ourselves, and we don't want a stranger in our home bathing the kids and putting them to bed. I still breastfeed my toddler to sleep so she'd be much happier with me putting her to bed.

Our relationship has been neglected but we've had some "at home" date nights with the kids in bed, or brunch out when dcs are in nursery & school, and we have a lot of leisure time as a family. Our relationship is good and we have fun together, it's just as a family unit rather than a couple, but that's what we've accepted with young dc. It helps that we live in an area with lots of family-friendly activities that are also interesting for adults - we take them along to art galleries, exhibitions, street food markets, theatres, concerts, so we are still doing the things we liked doing pre-dc, but with them in tow.

I have no help at all either and ut is really hard. I hate thinking about it because it makes me really miss my mum.

Ngl, I was in this position before getting divorced.

It gave me more time to myself, as DC with dad on a schedule.

Not to be recommended if you value having money in the bank, a sex life or emotional support, of course...

It's hard. And people who do have support don't always appreciate that is a huge level of privilege.

Yes, only I also don’t have a dh either so I m truly on my own with the kids. No parents, in-laws that are nowhere to be seen.

its shit

My aunt came to visit when DS was about 4 weeks old, he was a very difficult unsettled baby and it was an awful time alone 9 or 10 hours a day, baby in arms all the time. She worked part time, her DS had a baby only weeks before me and her DD was due her second only weeks later so she was busy with helping her own kids, and I was genuinely grateful she drove 40 mins or so to see me. I was feeding and she told me to stay put, she'd get a cup of coffee herself and I heard her rummaging around for about 10 mins before she came back. We had a lovely chat and she left. I then realised she had cleaned the kitchen and tidied my fridge, leaving 2 home cooked meals packaged up for me and an apple tart. I was so overcome with gratitude. I remember I actually sobbed with gratitude and jealousy that her DD would have this probably twice a week and take it completely for granted. I was on mat leave 10 months, that was 16 years ago and I still remember how moved I was. For many people that's just a normal Wednesday, life is not fair that's for sure.

Have to admit my DM and DMIL would babysit about twice a year each, but that was it.

Only time we got any help was when I had pneumonia (the first time), DH really had to go to work and I was literally sat on floor with phone in my hand struggling to breathe - I asked MIL if she could come up and take me to GP, keep an eye on DD. DH phoned when he was able late morning, came straight home when he realised I really was ill and work emergency finished, MIL went home. My DM did come up one morning with some fruit, but didn't really help with DD.

We were always quite happy to take DD away with us. One thing we did right from the start was a sort of date night on Saturday evenings where one of us would put DD to bed, the other make a really nice meal and we had wine.

One thing I will say is that once my dc are grown up, I'll be free of caring responsibilities....whilst a lot of people I know who have grandparents helping them, will end up having to care or coordinate care for them as they age. At least I won't have elderly infirm parents to worry about.

No help here outside of H, two kids, eldest age 11. Its totally fine and often great. H and me are each others 'childcare' and each have our own interests and hobbies that we can pursue whilst the other looks after the kids, so we both have rich and full lives. Sure we don't have 'date nights' but that doesn't bother me. We always have a nice family evening together every Saturday night.

Life is what you make it. There are plenty of single mothers, including those of disabled children, will no help at all and no lives of their own. That's really tough and I really feel for any woman ( or man) in that situation. So I can't really feel grieved about my life when I have on tap 'childcare' from my H whenever I want it.

My husband is not always the best at doing the childcare stuff, or cooking or cleaning either tbh.
Sometimes I do fantasise about if we broke up and he had kids 50/50 and I would get that time alone 🙈 but I couldn't stand being away from my kids that long.

It's so hard and not something you really think about before having kids, not that it would stop you anyway. We are older parents and our parents are too old and too far away to be any help, plus my Mom died last year. We live in an area where we have no family locally so absolutely no help whatsoever. I do have some school mums who will help with school runs etc but they have their own life and careers. It's hard to see them go off on weekends away whilst their parents have the kids or continue a career as they always have someone to help out. I doubt it crosses their minds that they have that advantage but it's just the way it is sadly.

Added to my post, it has also definitely hindered me making friends in a new area because I just have never really been able to go out as my DH worked crazy hours in his job and ofcourse, we very rarely get to go out just the 2 of us.

I lost both my parents before my children were 5 years old. In-laws don’t live locally but would sometimes have our dc to stay for a few days, not so we could socialise but because we both worked. School clubs were very useful but it was hard at times, and sad because my parents were amazing, both still quite young when they died and would have continued to help us out practically and supportively.

I didn’t know people who had quite as much help as you describe, though to have so much time to socialise without their children and personally, I wouldn’t have wanted that as we love being with our dc and did loads of lovely things with them when they were young. But juggling practicalities is hard when they’re little.

And I have never met a separated couple who do 50/50, so I wouldn’t bank on that happening!

Especially if he "isn't great" at childcare, doesn't sound like he'd want 50/50! I don't know any men that actually request 50/50 when it comes down to it.

£200 a day for a baysitter?!

We have no help. FIL could not be less interested in his granddaughter and my parents live too far away (MIL died when DD was 3 but was v disabled prior to this). I’d recommend Brownies, mine gets 2 or 3 nights away a year with her pack, which are the only times we get to go on ‘date nights’.

My son is 16 months old and I don’t get any help. It is really hard. The frustrating part for me is that I do have family near by who promised that they would help but have done absolutely nothing. I’ve had no time alone with my husband at all since our son was born. My mum used to leave me and my sister with my grandma all the time but hasn’t offered to look after her own grandchild at all. I’m honestly shocked at how completely unhelpful she’s been as she was always very involved in my life before. My grandma loves seeing my son and we visit her regularly but she is far too old now to look after him herself and I wouldn’t ask her. DH and I are planning to move out of the country soon and I know my family, especially my mum won’t be happy about it and will try to make me feel guilty. Honestly if they’d provided me with any kind of support system I probably wouldn’t consider it. But I feel completely on my own already so living far away from them will make no difference.

We've had one night away by ourselves in 9.5 years, when DS was at Cub camp. Both sets of our parents are older and couldn't do more than a couple of hours babysitting, and it would be very much making sure DS was safe at home whilst we were out, rather than taking him to an activity / out for the day etc

DH and I tag team work and going out for hobbies / social stuff. We barely do anything together as a result and DS is always around, but we do have an occasional babysitter we try and get in every couple of months. Ngl, it's impacted our marriage.