People who have no help

[BabaYagasLittleSister]

I know it was my choice to have children, and I don't regret it at all, and if I knew beforehand I would have no help at all I would still have them..

BUT

Does anyone else find it really really hard? All I ever see is friends with kids having date nights, going away for a few days without kids, nights out, day trips, having a job that doesn't have to fit around school hours. I don't know anyone else in real life who doesn't get help. It's hard looking at pictures on Facebook of other parents getting a break. But at the same time, you're not allowed to complain about not getting any help.

My husbands mum died when he was 15, and his dad shortly after our first was born. He has a brother but they live over an hour away and aren't close.

My mum died when I was 22, and my dad is still around but he's 76 and not in the best health. He has a wife, but we don't get on the best. She is quite jealous, and would never offer to help anything to do with my kids. I have a brother and sister in law who live about 5 mins away, but they are childless by choice and have never offered to help. Times I have had to ask they made it so clear it was a big ask I try to avoid it. They would probably help in an emergency, but not for us to go out.

My daughter is 8 and a half and I have spent one night away with my husband (our wedding night) , and one day trip when we had to pay a babysitter £200 for the privilege.

I guess I am more sad that I always think how different life would be if my mum was still around. She would have loved to be a grandma, and would have done anything for them. It's a constant heartbreak, that never gets easier.

I know I'm not the only one out there. Just need to get it out really, so please be nice. I know other people must have it worse and there are bigger problems.

We don’t have any family close by to help and it’s really hard. We do get some breaks and child free evenings though as we go out with our friends individually, so the it in turns to go out, and then have date nights in with each other. Can you do that to get some child free time? I also don’t get the comment about having jobs that fit around school hours, neither of us have school hour jobs and use wraparound some days for school.

I just want to sympathise with you, OP. It's so hard without a 'village'. You are absolutely allowed to feel hard done by - you have an awful lot on your plate with no help.

If it is of any small consolation - I have three teens and even in their early teens they tend to be more independent (although of course SEN presents further challenges) and spend a few hours here and there out with friends so your own independence will soon increase. But in the meantime I want to say I hear you and understand.

My parents died when I was young op and my dh dad isn't around and his mum is useless and disinterested.

It's really hard. Looking back I should have thought ahead and chosen a partner who had nice helpful parents.

It's tough....you're not alone though...there are others in this situation too.

I totally get it. When my children were young, it really grated hearing friends moan about the help they were regularly getting from family.

i have set up a babysitting swap with friends so we can go out once a month and my DH and I take it in turns on the weekends to have a break.

No help here.,...when we went out it was a swop with other parents in the same boat ... .
I didn't know many that had help.... Maybe because we were older parents so gps dead/far away or too frail..
We went out separately more....

@GameOfJones is your mum not able to meet you half way to take the kids? My mum lived hours away from me but she would have the kids in the school holidays, and would use her annual leave to stay with us so we could go on holiday occasionally. We found this to be quite important actually not just to give us a break but for our kids to get time with other family, they spend a couple of weeks away every summer holidays with family. We don't really need the childcare these days at their ages, but they want to do it to spend time together.

I also find that "no support" means very different things to different people.

My SIL is in an area of the country where a lot of people have family doing daily childcare. She complains about a lack of support to us - but although her mum lives a couple of hours away, she babysits for them for 4-5 weekends a year and takes the kids for a week every summer. She can't comprehend that when I say we have no support, I mean literally none.

We lived overseas so had no family help and my husband was away with work a lot, however, we could afford babysitters. I think being able to go out on my own once a week was amazing and made a huge difference to how much I enjoyed being a Mum to young kids. I think it's really important although I know it's simply not possible for some families.

I know you are in a more tricky position but I wonder if you and your husband need to prioritise yourselves a little more. Is there any reason you can't take turns to go out?

Are you able to afford a babysitter just for two or three hours? I'd rather eat out somewhere cheap and have a babysitter.

I do work at the moment and have to pay for wrap around care, over half my wage goes on childcare - after school club and holiday club. I'm looking for a new job but want iy to be school hours so my wage isn't all going straight on childcare.

We have no help, can't afford babysitters. It is what it is! Friends already have their hands full with their own children , so can't manage ours too. I'd have loved help and a village but both grandparents are very uninterested so there's not a lot can be done

It’s really hard, and I take my hat off to people like you I really do. We are incredibly lucky that my parents and sister help out and we do also have a lot of people who offer to babysit (we’ve never used anyone else, but it’s nice to know if there was an emergency).

I thanked my mum the other day and she looked at me like I’d grown two heads, because to her it just doesn’t enter her head not to help and honestly she was never the most maternal! On DHs side his mum died when he was a teen and his dad is useless.

I never forget how fortunate we are, and we would both have to change careers without this help.

You’re doing a brilliant job, it’s relentless even when you can get a break once in a while, but to everyone not getting that break you’re incredible. Hopefully friend sleepovers are round the corner for you!

I understand what you mean but if you are restricting yourself only to jobs that are school hours/term-time, the pay is generally much lower anyway so you may well be much better off working more hours with more scope for career development and paying for some wraparound.

I remember it well op. I was lucky in that my mother and MIL would help occasionally but were a hundred and two hundred miles away respectively and when MIL and FIL came whilst they would take the DC to the park and play with them they always came for a week and expected to be waited on hand and foot. My mother was less available because she was caring for my elderly grandparents when the children were small.

There were no emergency pick-ups when life happened or babysitting so DH and I could go out. The ILs rather frowned on that in any event and would have expected a slap-up meal before we went. Friends did a babysitting circle but I couldn't engage with that because dh was a workaholic and could never guarantee getting home by 7pm.

The event I remember was when I was ill and needed ABs, feeling very rough indeed. I got an emergency GP appointment at 5.30 so had a tired and hungry 1 and 4 year old. I had to get them in the car, drive to the Dr, get them out strapping dd into her buggy, see the Dr, get them back in the car, drive to the chemist for the prescription, strapping them back in and getting them out again, then back home. Where I cried as I cooked their dinner. I appreciate that my all time low over it was nothing compared to that of others but what I would have given that day to have had my mum.pop round and give them tea while I went to the Dr.

This too will pass and in 15 years you will be grateful you never had to negotiate conflicting boundaries.

Totally agree - especially with an 8 year old who won't need wraparound for much longer

For me it is the norm too because we live in London and nobody around here is from here. But when I go back to Dublin...it is awesome to have people queuing up to look after DS, and I see the huge value of having layers and layers of family backup.

It is something I really underestimated before having DS, probably because both my grandmothers died before I was born and my grandfathers certainly never looked after us. But I see my friends who live near their sisters and I swear they get more support from each other than the average mumsnetter gets from her husband.

I totally get it. I was in a similar situation when my two were small. DH worked away a lot and I was often on my own with 2 small children with no family help. One set of grandparents lived too far away to help and the other set were not interested in their grandchildren and told me when I announced my first pregnancy that they would not baby sit. It is hard to look at other families who have a different relationship with grandparents and not feel cheated out of something. I eventually made peace with it and adopted the saying "Comparison is the thief of joy". Now the kids are older it is easier to arrange reciprocal sleepovers to get some time to ourselves but back when they were small and not sleeping it was hell.

We live 500 miles from family. Our eldest is nearly 10, and we've had one meal out together (so basically a couple of hours) in the last decade. We obviously go out a lot separately. Due to distance, we knew what we were embarking on upfront. I don't really mind, but do secretly roll my eyes when friends with local family complain about grandparents only helping out twice a week rather than 3 times 😆

Yes but I also have a 6 year old autistic and globally delayed son, and god knows when he will be able to look after himself. Unless my daughter becomes his carer, which I'm not sure would be the best thing.

Oh god, that sounds awful. It's amazing what we can do when you have no choice.

Ah ok, makes total sense

TBH I generally got on well with my DM, but I knew without ever asking that she wouldn’t want to help with childcare. We were living a long flight away when dds were little, so I’d only ever have asked during the couple of months every summer dds and I spent in the U.K.

DM’s unspoken attitude (I didn’t need to ask!) was that she’d had 4 with no help (no family ever near) and that was in the days of no automatic washing machine, no central heating, no car, etc., so TBH I wasn’t altogether surprised that she felt she’d more than done her bit.

OTOH my MiL, who’d had 4 boys in very similar circs, was entirely happy to have dds for a few hours if I wanted to go shopping, etc. We never asked her to have them for longer, certainly not for holidays on our own.

We were lucky that both sets of GPs would have ours overnight or for a few nights when we wanted. But they were in early 40s, so still had lots of energy etc. I think the modern thing of having kids later now means that naturally you have GPs that are older and may not be in the best health or have the energy to look after kids. If they are still around that is.

We have a little more help but not a lot. The grandparents that are still with us aren't in great health and 1 child has ASD so needs a capable carer.

It does get a bit easier as they get older though. Mine are in their early teens now and can be left alone for a while which really makes a difference.

We've had meals out when the children have been at evening clubs or birthday parties. If they are on a sleepover it means a night to ourselves.

We still don't get to do the weekends away etc but there's definitely an increase in some time for ourselves.

Right, that’s a very difficult situation. Even people with family support often find family aren’t able to cope with children with additional needs, so the babysitting offers aren’t there anyway.

Can you access any DLA for him which could be put towards some respite care?

We do get dla. He goes to a Saturday club every other Saturday but it's across town so I spend an hour driving him there and back. I spend time with my daughter in these hours as she is often not getting as much attention when he's around because he is so demanding.