Ds2 wants MIL to come to hospital appointment with him instead of me

[elliejjtiny]

Ds2 is 16 and is in the process of being diagnosed with autism. Part of his autism is he doesn't communicate very well and will say he is "fine" when he is ill or injured. So I noticed blood on his sock when I was doing the washing and it took me 3 days before he would let me see his feet. Infections in both feet which took 2 lots of antibiotics to shift. Gp has referred him to the paediatrician to see if he needs one or 2 toenails removed. I asked ds2 if he wanted his dad or me to take him and he said he wasn't bothered either way. Now he is saying he wants MIL to take him.

I'm not sure if that's even allowed as she doesn't have PR, but as he's 16 he could probably technically go on his own anyway. I'm quite hurt that he's said this although I'm trying not to show it. I really don't want MIL doing this because a) she will tell everyone she knows about how she was taking ds2 to his appointment, how he chose her to go and generally going on about how ds2 loves her more than me. b) I want to be able to ask the Dr questions and c) I can't trust MIL to tell me how the appointment went because she has form for exaggerating people's medical problems, getting the details wrong or declaring that people are whinging hyperchondriacs when giving "helpful updates" about ill family members.

I don't want to upset DS2 but I can't let MIL do this. And I don't understand what I've done wrong to make ds2 want MIL to take him instead of me or dh. I've asked Ds2 why he wants MIL to take him and I just got the usual shrug and grunt.

Just say to him he can have you or DH. It’s not a wider family party. Mil is not one of the options.

I would be tempted to say to him, 'Really sorry - but I've checked and it needs to be someone with parental responsibility as you are under 18, so your options are me or Dad, not Granny. Who do you want?'

Don't budge.

He's 16 he can choose who he wants to go with him

This.

My ds has autism and if there's one thing he'll abide by its rules 😂

If he's 16 and you expect him to have full capacity at 18, then you should start to allow him to realise his autonomy.

I would just say it needs to be a parent. When I took DS to urgent care when he was 16, they wanted me in the appointment with him.

Why not ask MIL to come too?

Why? He's autistic and has anxiety. 2 adults can go with him if it helps.

He can take who he wants if Gillick competent.

He can consent or not to treatment at his age.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/consent-to-treatment/children/#:~:text=Children%20under%20the%20age%20of,responsibility%20can%20consent%20for%20them.

Yes, at his age, health professionals will go with what he wants.

I’d be fine for him to take his gran - what’s the problem? 🤷‍♀️

Do you not want your son to be relaxed at his appointment? And realise that his opinion is important? Let him go with his grandmother. I can't see any reason why not. I'd be happy for my boys to go with my MiL if they asked.

No no no no to MIL, given the context you provide. In fact I’d be looking very carefully at the amount and type of contact they gave, as it sounds just a little bit as if she has been working her way in with him in a way I’d be not very happy about given that he has vulnerabilities. ‘You don’t want mum or dad do you, I’ll do a better job, I’ll look after you much better, nobody loves you more than granny’? I’d be telling him that she isn’t allowed to be at his medical appointments and make sure that I kept a close eye on what she’s telling him. She sounds a stirrer.

OP has listed the reasons why not. She cannot trust MIL to be honest about how the appt went and her son is not going to be able to communicate it to her.

For an autism assessment, the assessors want somebody who has known the patient well since childhood. A parent will have noticed all sorts of little things that a grandparent won't have.

I took my Mum to my assessment and I was in my 50s when I was diagnosed.

I agree with those pp saying to say that the rules are that it needs to be a parent and to offer a choice between mum or dad.

When DS had a hospital appointment for neurology he was 16 and I couldn’t get parked so thought he could go in by himself. He phoned me and said I had to go in a sign something to say he could. So I would go under the guise that it had to be a parent. I was a bit surprised because GP surgery won’t allow me to make appointments for him.

This. When going through diagnosis as a child or adult they will want a close family member to go through birth until now, they will want to know your views on his childhood, any traits you may have noticed that he hasn’t and any medical history, so it’s a good idea that you our his dad attend, not MIL.

Yes, at his age, health professionals will go with what he wants.

Not quite true, you can be Gillick competent to accept a treatment that medics want you to have but your parents don't, but not to refuse one that the medics and your parents want you to have

No doctor in their right mind would let a 16 year old refuse to have something they really needed!

I don't want to upset DS2 but I can't let MIL do this.

Yes you can. And should. He's already reluctant to get medical help so you need to do whatever makes him most comfortable, which is to have his gran with him.

This. He doesn't even need anyone to come in with him . You're making it about you, it's his decision.

@cariadlet and @Lovemusic82 it's not an autism assessment. It's an appointment about his feet.

Plenty of reasons why not, as OP has said!

MIL is unreliable - won’t convey what happened at the appointment properly, is likely to exaggerate or lie.

MIL doesn’t know DS in a daily life sense so would be a very poor choice for this appointment where the doc may want to get a close family opinion or hear from those who observe him all the time. So no good. Also, possibly even worse as (see above) also presumably likely to lie or exaggerate to the doctor too.

Perhaps most importantly- MIL isn’t a ‘friend’ to the family it seems. Instead of being supportive and just gran, she’s likely to use the fact that DS has asked for her to undermine OP and her DH, to crow about it. That of all things is a main reason to not only make sure this doesn’t happen but to get a heads up that actually, it sounds like MIL needs to be kept more at arms length, not given more leverage in the family.

Thank you. Mil has told me that 2 family members had cancer when they did in the past as well as other things so I can't trust her to tell me what happened in the appointment. One of them had a cyst, the other had something that sounded similar to a type of cancer (like saying someone had psychosis when they had psoriasis). When ds4 had a benign growth, she told people he had cancer then as well. Also I want to be able to ask the Dr questions if I need to.

OP don’t even entertain this, make sure MIL has an eye on her from now on. Sounds like she’s tried to engineer this with your DS, and he’s a bit too vulnerable to understand it fully. She sounds like an interfering ghoul!!

If it was for an autism assessment then what you say is correct however, it isn't so isn't relevant

Oops! Apologies. I skim read instead of reading the op properly.