Ds2 wants MIL to come to hospital appointment with him instead of me

[elliejjtiny]

Ds2 is 16 and is in the process of being diagnosed with autism. Part of his autism is he doesn't communicate very well and will say he is "fine" when he is ill or injured. So I noticed blood on his sock when I was doing the washing and it took me 3 days before he would let me see his feet. Infections in both feet which took 2 lots of antibiotics to shift. Gp has referred him to the paediatrician to see if he needs one or 2 toenails removed. I asked ds2 if he wanted his dad or me to take him and he said he wasn't bothered either way. Now he is saying he wants MIL to take him.

I'm not sure if that's even allowed as she doesn't have PR, but as he's 16 he could probably technically go on his own anyway. I'm quite hurt that he's said this although I'm trying not to show it. I really don't want MIL doing this because a) she will tell everyone she knows about how she was taking ds2 to his appointment, how he chose her to go and generally going on about how ds2 loves her more than me. b) I want to be able to ask the Dr questions and c) I can't trust MIL to tell me how the appointment went because she has form for exaggerating people's medical problems, getting the details wrong or declaring that people are whinging hyperchondriacs when giving "helpful updates" about ill family members.

I don't want to upset DS2 but I can't let MIL do this. And I don't understand what I've done wrong to make ds2 want MIL to take him instead of me or dh. I've asked Ds2 why he wants MIL to take him and I just got the usual shrug and grunt.

Surely children can refuse consent - no one's going to pin down a 14 year old to vaccinate them without their consent, for example. What else happens if they won't consent other than them not getting the treatment?

With my son it's just been shrug, nothing I can do.

OP I think I would say to him it needs to be a parent so that we can get all the info on aftercare. Offer to bring MIL for moral support too perhaps. I'm guessing but it could simply be that he is embarrassed and has got it into his head that you will be upset, or judge him more. It might be as simple as you and DH have both mentioned that his feet or socks smell at some point in his life, and your MIL hasn't, and black and white thinking has dug a channel from that. That's just an example, it could be anything. We have had a lot of hiding things around DS's self harm and I really don't think it is because he's not close to us.

Ok apologies I didn't appreciate the seriousness of the unreliability of the MiL. In that case put your foot down. Say you need to be present.
Although I stand by your son being relaxed is the most important thing. And the results will be relayed to the GP anyway.

I suppose it would depend on how he'd react to not being able to go with MIL. Will it cause further problems with his unwillingness to discuss illnesses/injuries if he feels like his wishes aren't considered? Would a compromise be that you both go with him?

I totally get why you don't want MIL to go though.

When my ds was 16 I couldn't get parked so sent him in and he went into his neurologist - might be different though as he saw him twice a year anyway.

The neuro just rang me and left me on the loop of the conversation (ds is also autistic so no point relying on him for all the info!) until I knocked his door and entered!

I did love his neuro (both of them actually as he had a specialist one too!)

I am sorry I understand how you feel but it might be that MIL won’t ask the questions that you will. I would let him decide and go with it. Also I got told off (in a nice way) by our GP when I tried to give my number for the follow up during my 17 year old appointment 🙄 he said that that although he realised he might not be quite ready to make and manage his own appointments ect, that legally 16 + don’t need parental involvement in appointments. He basically told me to butt out.

At 16 he should be able to choose. You can explain that she may choose to tell others about it and let him choose whether he's ok with that. It's his health and he can decide whether he's happy with that or not.

That’s not true. The decision of someone who is Gillick competent to refuse treatment can only be overridden by parents in exceptional circumstances- I.e where there is a risk of death or permanent injury.

It is even more unlikely that parents would be allowed to go against a 16 or 17 year old’s wishes. Certainly not just because they want them to have a particular treatment.

@elliejjtiny Can you clarify why your MIL accompanying you both is not an option? You can explain why it's important that either you or his Dad attend, but if he'd like Grandma to come too that's OK.
Learning to compromise is a good skill to learn. As a parent to an autistic young adult I'd say its way more beneficial than unquestioning compliance. Teaching your dc to advocate for themselves is vital and you can do that whilst also alerting him to factors he's not considered.

Any chance he thinks that MIL will cut him slack where you may not? What does he think may happen at the appt? Any feelings of shame likely to surface for him?

Isn’t the appointment to see if he needs his toenails removed, not an autism assessment??

I mean, perhaps mil can come to the hospital but sits outside?

It is!

The three of you can go together.

My son had to have a meeting with the GP at 15 so they would sign him off as "Gillick competent" or whatever the term is. This then allowed him to order his own meds and for the surgery to contact him direct. He's autistic and has a long term health condition so we've been working toward him being able to manage that himself for a couple of years ready for when he has to at 18. So I'm not sure they will just assume competence even at 16.

I will say that when he was diagnosed with autism the assessment came in 3 parts - an interview with us (his parents), a questionnaire to the school and an assessment afternoon with him (I was not present whilst this took place, though I was allowed to rejoin for the final meeting when we got the outcome). So depending on how they structure it at this clinic it may or may not matter if the OP is there.

agree to you or dad and MIL.?

For this time perhaps have MIL join you and DS, but I would also use this as a wake up to the fact that he can and will make his own choices and there will be lots of time where you don't get to be there, even if it makes sense to be there

Oh sorry I too thought it was an autism appointment.

But it all still stands - keep MIL a million miles away from your family’s personal medical business. She clearly isn’t going to help the situation and will almost certainly hinder it.

Sounds like a recipe for a big fallout to be honest.

Thank you everyone. I wouldn't mind MIL coming as well as me if it means that much to him but I think it's still one parent only to accompany the child at an appointment. I will double check though.

I've always been really careful not to upset ds2 or tease him etc so I definitely wouldn't have made comments about his feet or socks smelling etc. Meanwhile my MIL will do all of those things, hug him when he doesn't want to (he is sensory avoidant) etc so it baffles me why he would want her to go with him.

Are you sure he has been referred to a paediatrician and not a podiatrist?

Removing toenails is very much not in the skillset of a paediatrician.

Definitely paediatrician.

I know it's aggravating but I would respect his choice. It's not a cancer appointment.

If it meant the difference between him attending or not attending his appointment, I would let granny take him.

As someone up thread said though, an autistic person loves to follow rules, so you could always tell them you're really sorry but the rules are it has to be Mum or Dad.

Tell him that you’ll need to go as there are some questions you need to ask and have answers to. However you can drop him at MIL s after or she can attend his hairdressing appointment on x date.

He is 16 it is his choice, op of you want a decent relationship with your child stop trying to control him

I wonder if she had words with him about wanting to come along. She sounds a bit of a meddlar. However maybe to keep the peace allow her to come along. Seems weird her wanting to come along though.