Ds2 wants MIL to come to hospital appointment with him instead of me

[elliejjtiny]

Ds2 is 16 and is in the process of being diagnosed with autism. Part of his autism is he doesn't communicate very well and will say he is "fine" when he is ill or injured. So I noticed blood on his sock when I was doing the washing and it took me 3 days before he would let me see his feet. Infections in both feet which took 2 lots of antibiotics to shift. Gp has referred him to the paediatrician to see if he needs one or 2 toenails removed. I asked ds2 if he wanted his dad or me to take him and he said he wasn't bothered either way. Now he is saying he wants MIL to take him.

I'm not sure if that's even allowed as she doesn't have PR, but as he's 16 he could probably technically go on his own anyway. I'm quite hurt that he's said this although I'm trying not to show it. I really don't want MIL doing this because a) she will tell everyone she knows about how she was taking ds2 to his appointment, how he chose her to go and generally going on about how ds2 loves her more than me. b) I want to be able to ask the Dr questions and c) I can't trust MIL to tell me how the appointment went because she has form for exaggerating people's medical problems, getting the details wrong or declaring that people are whinging hyperchondriacs when giving "helpful updates" about ill family members.

I don't want to upset DS2 but I can't let MIL do this. And I don't understand what I've done wrong to make ds2 want MIL to take him instead of me or dh. I've asked Ds2 why he wants MIL to take him and I just got the usual shrug and grunt.

allow her to come along - he has stated his preference. She doesn’t have to come into the actual appointment

If its ingrown toenail removal then it's really not a huge deal and there's not a lot of questions to ask. You can get all of the information online.

The important thing here is your sons autonomy and right to make decisions for himself.

If he makes a poor choice then that's a learning curve for him and the outcome of this one wouldn't be catastrophic.

I have an autistic child and I get the need to protect them from everything, but they need to make their own choices and have support with that.

You’ve both missed the bit where the OP is talking about him wanting his granny to take him to his appointment for getting his toenails removed! Not an autism assessment - he’s already got that diagnosis 😂

Clearly he has a strong bond with her if he wants her to go with him - that speaks volumes about their relationship. Are you sure you’re not imposing your own feelings about her on him? if he didn’t like her because she hugged him or teased him, the. He surely wouldn’t countenance the idea of her taking him.

In this scenario I would compromise and allow her to join the two of you at the appointment.

Given your DS has said he would like his DGM there, it's important you respect his wishes.

I would not make a big deal of it with hospital, just turn up with her. If she gets turned away on the day, your DS will see it is hospital rules, not you keeping her away.

Shs listed the problems in her post.

I would tell him it has to be a parent, as if there is anything that needs doing to his feet everyday afterwards, then it would need to be someone he lives with, and the doctor would have to explain that to you, so that you understand

Thank you. I'm struggling hugely with him at the moment as he won't let me see his feet. Finally managed to get him to show me his feet today and one of them is infected again so tomorrow I have to go and be caller number 11 (if I'm lucky) and then do battle with the g p receptionist. Thank you to whoever suggested looking at toenail removal on the nhs website. I hadn't thought of doing that and it was more informative than I thought it would be.

Just thought I would update to say that we had the appointment. After all the fuss, Mil decided she didn't want to come so it was just ds2 and me. Just as well I was there really as I had to fill in a pre operation form that asked questions about his entire medical history which neither MIL not ds2 would be able to fill in. Also ds2 was mostly silent apart from the occasional whisper in my ear about how I should tick the box on the form to say he was pregnant and that he wanted an interpreter to speak Klingon to him! The Dr said he is a child until he is 18 and he will need a parent with him on the day of the operation.

glad it all fell into place ...the funny kid responses included. i have a (possibly direct genetic twin flame with me) ds who at times is adept at creating merryhell as a (fquin)unecessry event in realm of is it anxiety? do you actully hte me?why is this a drama at all?its not that big a deal but lookit fireworks a maritiachi band n ...then drop all floorshow be like ...perfectly straightforward eventuality.
Its hard NOT to get swooped up in it.......im practicing focusing on mentioning anything remotely positive,that occurs..such as need funny-translator etc....i think my ds actually does not want to cause me any worry,concern,etc (possibly to extreme attempting to protect\avoid it generates far worse. sno easy eh.

Hehe your ds has made me smile! Klingon indeed 😄

@candycane222 My granny was in hospital a few months ago and they gave her the same form to fill in. She was very indignant that first of all they put her in the "old people's ward" and then they asked her if she was taking recreational drugs

No, in the circumstances (his ASD and how it affects him) you need to go in with him. MIL isn’t really an option here.

An NT 16 yr old, sure but this ASD child, no.