How can I beat my anxiety and live my life - how did you beat yours?

[lackofprogress]

TLDR : How did you overcome anxiety? What advice can you give me?

I've had anxiety since I had my DS who's now 18 (have a DD too who's 20). I've been on Citalopram for years and after several sessions on NHS CBT and counselling, I went private after the last NHS counsellor suggested I needed something that would be more in-depth and last longer than the 6 sessions the NHS offered.

I've been in psychotherapy for 11 years now and whilst I am better I still am not living my life. I struggle hugely to drive out of my comfort zone or be a passenger. I can do a 10mile radius from my home but anything else can cause a panic attack. I can't do trains. Planes are a no-no. I haven't been on holiday abroad for 24 years. Last holiday in the UK I had to take Valium to travel. The thought of being trapped in a car on the motorway, stuck in traffic and unable to get out, then needing the loo as the adrenaline kicks in, is my worst nightmare.

DH has recently said to DS about having a holiday abroad together. I can't go and feel so resentful towards my anxiety over it because I'm missing out on so much.

I've had a family member who said just face the fear and do it anyway, but the panic attacks are so debilitating due to the physical side effects that afterwards I shut down for days. At that time, I really felt I was going mad - I couldn't eat or sleep, just sat curled up on the sofa with negative thoughts on loop.

Therapy shows a huge lack of confidence in myself which has been there since early childhood. Always seen as shy and sensitive but did come out of myself in my 20s and travelled with no worries at all. I just lived my life like any other person.

Any suggestions MN? I'm early 50s now and I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. Help!

[I've name changed for this as don't want it linked to other account as some details may be outing too.]

Solution-based hypnotherapy. You will have to pay privately for it, but it’s very worth the investment.

HRT cured mine within 3 weeks. But mine seemed to appear from nowhere when i was about 48. Got pretty much to debilitating stage. Suffered for 18 months but within 3 weeks of starting Femi Conti - it just lifted away.

For me, I'm afraid, it was just do it anyway.

I used to be basically unable to leave the house. I'd stand at the door, opening and shutting it, getting down the driveway and turning back for hours before I could go to the corner shop 100m away.

I started very slow, and built up gradually. So for me, it was initially just spending a little more time in the corner shop, rather than bolting there and back.

HRT

I am on duloxetine - tried a couple before this.

Some stuff I just don't do.

How can I beat my anxiety and live my life - how did you beat yours?

I didn't. It got worse because I was trying to beat it - in fact my parents were trying to beat it by engaging me in all sorts to get me used to it and as an adult, I took over doing so because I've heard from everyone that that's how it works - 'face your fear, beat the anxiety'. Well I couldn't. It beat me! The more I tried, the more i was able to mask being okay externally as i got used to it but the worse I suffered internally. Till it developed into a full blown diagnosed disorder with medication.

I now know my limits and accept that there are things I can't do like a regular /anxiety disorder-free person (who can feel anxious from time to time like anybody else but don't have it as an illness). I accept that I will hide from the world more than a typical person but I can still support myself when I step into the world and use the resources I have to manage my illness (like 'socialising' online more than face to face) and stepping back when I feel it cropping back up.

The answer is that I'm on medication to help with the symptoms, I know my limit and work with what I have but don't push myself to a crisis point where I have a mental breakdown or need to recover. However, some things, I can't avoid like when life comes at me and this definitely pushes me to need to recover but I don't have to do it to myself in areas where I have the choice to decide.

Are there any circumstances that you feel safer/more in control when travelling and start there? And have everything possible with you to feel more confident in that journey?
For example, I will drive everywhere rather than take public transport because I feel more in control and don’t have to deal with strangers invading my space. My car also contains a full breakdown kit with spare clothes, sturdy boots, blankets, tyre repair and inflator, small bag of grit for icy roads, a towel, engine oil, a torch, a small first aid kit and a shepee! Objectively I know I will never need all this stuff (and it’s probably terrible for fuel economy) but being so prepared takes the edge off.
I always take water and snacks on any journey and check my tyres/tyre pressure and fuel level before I go.

My anxiety manifests itself physically, I get the fidgets in my feet etc
And feel nauseous and am often sick on waking for a busy stressful day headachey
I have a few tricks to help, but wonder if hrt may help.

Medication. Hasn't cured it, but helps a lot. I am very grateful to modern medicine.

Have you tried propranolol? It will stop the panic attacks and physical symptoms dead. It helps to break that cycle of worrying about doing something because you know that thing will give you a panic attack.

I've had hypnotherapy before (4 sessions in total) and I'd feel great for a day but that was it.

I'm on HRT but don't feel my anxiety is hormone based as I've had it since mid 30s. HRT has made no difference anxiety wise but was a game changer for my continuous UTIs!

I'd recommend EMDR (I'm a clinical psychologist).

I second Propranolol. Unfortunately it gave me side effects that meant I was short of breath so had to change medication. Propranolol was the best medication I've ever taken, I'm still bitter I cannot take it.

I've taken Imodium before and planned routes using country lanes (the thought process being that I can turn around if need be unlike if I got stuck on a motorway).

I've suggested to DH about having a motor home with a loo on board but think that's stretching it 🤣

Short version: Venlafaxine stopped my anxiety almost instantly. Then divorce removed the source of the anxiety.

Could you look at changing your medication? It's interesting that you used to travel but haven't been abroad for so long now. What caused you to stop being able to?
Psychotherapy is fantastic in many ways but it can destabilise you and can leave you quite vulnerable mentally. It's not solution-focused in the way that other types of therapy like CBT are, so you can open a can of worms and just be left surrounded by those worms if that makes sense.
I guess what I'm trying to say is perhaps you could try a different medication and a different type of therapy?

I was going to say EMDR, but I see a clinical psychologist has beat me to it.

Stopping long term therapy helped me. I spent years in therapy and for me I was still the same but in some ways worse as it didn’t change anything.

I got a job, put on a front and did it anyway. After times so bad I could not even leave my bed, but I needed my children to have a different narrative than I had.

everyone is different.

a small dose of antidepressant Daily helps.

.

I've recently asked for this from the GP but it didn't seem to work when I had a recent anxiety episode. I don't want to take it full time, just as and when needed which the GP said was fine.

Day to day I hold down a job, visit parents etc but that's all local. Now both kids are at Uni and whilst I can drive to DDs uni, I have to psych myself up to do it and can't relax when there as I know I've got to drive back. I can't face going to DSs uni as it's too far.

I have been where you are. Get yourself a book called "self help for your nerves" by Claire weekes. If you understand it and then follow it, it will change your life.

Apologies if this is all obvious. Loads of people have posted while I’ve been composing this essay, so please ignore what’s repetitive or unhelpful!

I concentrate on calming my nervous system rather than trying to reason with my thoughts. Sometimes this just means putting a hand on my chest and talking kindly to myself. Sounds mad, but it can be v effective and there’s lots of research showing its effectiveness. (It doesn’t necessarily turn off the ‘alarm’ but it means I can function.) Freezer blocks on the cheekbones have helped when I feel massively dysregulated.

EFT plus talking therapy has helped a lot. Polyvagal exercises, too.

I’ve started calling it ‘alarm’ rather than ‘anxiety’ after listening to a v helpful podcast on different ways of dealing with anxiety on Feel Better, Live Well or whatever Rangan Chatterjee’s podcast is called!

I’ve read a lot about mind/body stuff - David Robson’s book The Expectation Effect was really helpful this summer after a bout of panic attacks completely immobilised me. With practice I started to notice the early signs, like feeling that the floor was suddenly tilting or that I was dropping down a lift shaft, or a weird flip in my head like I was going over a rollercoaster. I would literally say, ‘Oh hello, head flip/lift shaft etc… You’re here again.’ It feels like magic, but just noticing what was happening in my body meant I was concentrating on sensations rather than my brain screaming, so my brain didn’t release the panic hormones, and the sensation of extreme panic passed without turning into a panic attack. I haven’t had one for a few months, and now I think/hope my brain knows that this cluster of physical sensations DOESN’T mean a panic attack is inevitable. It’s been such a hopeful, powerful experience.

My alarm is still very much present, and sometimes it’s worse than others. I still very much live with it. It’s like a smoke alarm in a locked room in my psyche. It’s really badly wired and over-sensitive, so it gets triggered by things that aren’t dangerous. It’s loud and intrusive and jangles my whole body. Sometimes I can ignore it, sometimes I can’t. When I can afford to go back to therapy, that may eventually take out the battery, but for now I focus on what my helps my body to calm down when the alarm is going off.

Alongside this, it’s cold showers, intense bursts of exercise like skipping or sprinting, breathing in a 4-6-8 pattern (in for 4, hold for 6, out for 8, repeat), trying to eat well (to help the old gut/brain axis, etc), trying to walk in green spaces every day. I notice how much these help when I stop doing them.

I really hope you can find something that works for you. In the meantime, please be kind to yourself. This is a really, really tough thing to live with.

Sorry I posted too quickly earlier. I just wanted to say about EMDR that I've seen it be transformative for so many people. It was originally devised as an approach to treat trauma but you can treat so many different issues with it.

Isn't that trauma based? My anxiety isn't based in (my own) trauma but I do think it's about being safe, keeping my kids safe (particularly when little). Friends lost their adult son in a RTA on the motorway and when I read about people dying in RTAs on motorways it makes me want to avoid it even more. The way some people drive on motorways is shocking. I've also seen the aftermath of a fatal RTA on the M1 quite a few years ago and just imagined what pain their loved ones would be in receiving that news.

Would EMDR address that?

I don't think you ever fully overcome it.. Just learn to live with it or try to avoid situations that make you feel uncomfortable.
Mine seems to be genetic as my son is the copy of me, anxious from birth, selective mute (I outgrew that but only after meeting my current dh, really pushing myself to do things that were out of my comfort zone and I still have trouble connecting with people I don't know).
I don't think there is an answer.. I think some of us are just wired differently.
I still have severe issues with my anxiety, constantly fretting about the next thing that could go wrong and about myself.. If you ever find the magic pill that makes it all go away let me know.