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Original poster

Child cries in every shop we go in - any pearls of wisdom?

64 replies

SpinningTops · 31/10/2024 08:31

DS is 6 and does not cope well with shops. He cries in every shop. As soon as we go in he fixates on an item he wants, gets completely attached to it and sobs that he can't leave it. We never buy the item, always prepare him before hand, he agrees but everything goes out the window when we enter the shop.

He may be autistic and I get that I should just avoid shops but it's not always possible.

For example, we went to the zoo the other day. You HAD to go through the shop to get to the animals. Cue upset and an hour to calm down.

So I'm after ideas that could help him cope.

OP posts:
LetsChaseTrees · 31/10/2024 08:33

Have you tried taking photos of it? That helped mine get over a period where we had this struggle. Also being careful to prepare him each and every time that we would not buy anything, but I can see you’re doing that already.

Beepbeepoutoftheway · 31/10/2024 08:33

Could you maybe say 'Oh I love that too! Shall we take a photo to show insert somebody's name?'

MabelMaybe · 31/10/2024 08:36

Agree with photos. We do that go get through B&M where they store toys above the blasted bakes beans, just to ensure they're always visible. Let's take a photo then we've got the details if we want to get it later.

Shops do have bright lighting and loud sounds too, would some ear defenders help too, to lower the stress level for him?

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Original poster
SpinningTops · 31/10/2024 08:37

We did try the photo thing a year or two back but backed off because it was verging on ridiculous the numbers of photos we were taking.
I'll try it again now he's a bit older.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningTops · 31/10/2024 08:39

He always has ear defenders in his bag but never wears them. I think they'd help but I don't think he likes the feel of them.

OP posts:
SushiGo · 31/10/2024 08:50

You mention preparing, buy have you tried social stories specifically? This is a suprmarket example: paautism.org/resource/going-grocery-shopping-social-story/

You may have tried this already: but doing things like shopping with a list, and having a special wallet (maybe he can hold it) for trips where you are going to buy things might help build a predictable routine and reinforce the difference between a trip where you will buy things and a trip where you won't.

We found social stories very useful at that age, and my son would go back and repeatedly check them to reassure himself about where he was in the sequence. So if you can bring it with you that might help!

Good luck, I know it's really hard.

Newuser75 · 31/10/2024 08:54

LetsChaseTrees · 31/10/2024 08:33

Have you tried taking photos of it? That helped mine get over a period where we had this struggle. Also being careful to prepare him each and every time that we would not buy anything, but I can see you’re doing that already.

This is what we do. Seems to work really well. We say "you can't have it now but let's take a photo so we can remember for Christmas".

Two minutes later it's forgotten about.

Original poster
SpinningTops · 31/10/2024 08:59

SushiGo · 31/10/2024 08:50

You mention preparing, buy have you tried social stories specifically? This is a suprmarket example: paautism.org/resource/going-grocery-shopping-social-story/

You may have tried this already: but doing things like shopping with a list, and having a special wallet (maybe he can hold it) for trips where you are going to buy things might help build a predictable routine and reinforce the difference between a trip where you will buy things and a trip where you won't.

We found social stories very useful at that age, and my son would go back and repeatedly check them to reassure himself about where he was in the sequence. So if you can bring it with you that might help!

Good luck, I know it's really hard.

I like this idea of social stories. I'll make one today.

OP posts:
FergusSingsTheBIues · 31/10/2024 09:05

My son is autistic and he used to have massive tantrums in M&S and certain Coops. As he got older he was able to explain that the lights on this shops made him stressed. I am wondering if this might by the case for your son? It was so bad for us I used to avoid them when we were together

Original poster
SpinningTops · 31/10/2024 09:18

FergusSingsTheBIues · 31/10/2024 09:05

My son is autistic and he used to have massive tantrums in M&S and certain Coops. As he got older he was able to explain that the lights on this shops made him stressed. I am wondering if this might by the case for your son? It was so bad for us I used to avoid them when we were together

I do wonder whether there is something sensory that he can't quite explain. Maybe I'll add some sunglasses to his bag just in case.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningTops · 31/10/2024 14:51

Bump, some great ideas so far.

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AgainandagainandagainSS · 31/10/2024 15:27

What happens if you totally ignore the behaviour. As in carry on with what you are doing, and pay it zero attention. Take him by the hand and lead him out when it's time and let the tantrum blow out.

PlantDoctor · 31/10/2024 15:30

We do the photos thing, but what has really helped is that I have introduced pocket money. She gets a small amount each week, can earn more by doing set tasks (usually doesn't bother 🙄), but when she asks me for things I let her know how much pocket money she has and whether she can afford it. She tends to accept that without much fuss.

Donutofdoooooom · 31/10/2024 15:35

I don't do photos, just offer to put it on the list for the next big event - birthday/Christmas whatever. It's a mental list with a regular reminder of not everything on said list can be bought. I also then ask the odd time what particular thing on the list they are most excited to get etc and it's a useful way to get ideas before events!

Could having some form of pocket money to give an awareness of cash and spending help at this age too? Making the decision theirs to control that pot of cash and once it's gone, it's gone?

Original poster
SpinningTops · 31/10/2024 15:35

AgainandagainandagainSS · 31/10/2024 15:27

What happens if you totally ignore the behaviour. As in carry on with what you are doing, and pay it zero attention. Take him by the hand and lead him out when it's time and let the tantrum blow out.

Ignoring doesn't work, he just gets more and more desperate.
It's like it has to end in a big blow out meltdown whatever we do. So if I ignore it will build slowly and then happen. Sometimes we immediately leave which gets the inevitable over quicker.

Before I had him I would very much have suggested he needs stronger boundaries and a consistent approach but we've been consistent for years.

OP posts:
OtterOnAPlane · 31/10/2024 15:37

In the example of the Zoo, could you have very briefly explained the situation to staff? I'm sure there would have been another way in. This might be where a sunflower lanyard helps.

I appreciate that doesn't solve the underlying issue.

Original poster
SpinningTops · 31/10/2024 15:39

I tried pocket money but it didn't work as I expected. He would obsessively search for anything that would fit the amount he had. It could be anything e.g. screws from a DIY shop.

He didn't understand how to save for something he really wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningTops · 31/10/2024 15:42

OtterOnAPlane · 31/10/2024 15:37

In the example of the Zoo, could you have very briefly explained the situation to staff? I'm sure there would have been another way in. This might be where a sunflower lanyard helps.

I appreciate that doesn't solve the underlying issue.

Yes, I think we maybe need to do this. Everything seems designed to get young children to see something they want which makes great business sense. A disaster for us though.

It's so limiting though. Sometimes I just need to go to a shop when he's with me.

OP posts:
TigerRag · 31/10/2024 15:45

SpinningTops · 31/10/2024 09:18

I do wonder whether there is something sensory that he can't quite explain. Maybe I'll add some sunglasses to his bag just in case.

Show quote history

A sun hat too?

redannie18 · 31/10/2024 15:53

Oh gosh i had forgotten about this. We had this with one of ours, made me dread and avoid shops nervous of him getting so upset and the awful judgement of others. I remember friends being appalled we would walk the long way to avoid even seeing shops!

I’m sorry i dont have any solutions but send lots of sympathy. My son is now an adult who is very sensible with money and materially undemanding!!

Easipeelerie · 31/10/2024 15:58

My autistic dd only coped with shops once she was on antidepressants. They made the world of difference. Obviously can’t help him now but something to consider for his teens.

Original poster
SpinningTops · 31/10/2024 16:07

I'll add a sun hat to his ever growing backpack 😁

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Original poster
SpinningTops · 31/10/2024 16:16

redannie18 · 31/10/2024 15:53

Oh gosh i had forgotten about this. We had this with one of ours, made me dread and avoid shops nervous of him getting so upset and the awful judgement of others. I remember friends being appalled we would walk the long way to avoid even seeing shops!

I’m sorry i dont have any solutions but send lots of sympathy. My son is now an adult who is very sensible with money and materially undemanding!!

Oh yes, the judgement of others is horrible. I've learned to ignore now.

Glad your son has come out the other side a well rounded adult. I do sometimes imagine the debt he'll spiral into if he maintains his impulsivity. But I'll give him time - he's only 6 after all.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningTops · 31/10/2024 16:16

Easipeelerie · 31/10/2024 15:58

My autistic dd only coped with shops once she was on antidepressants. They made the world of difference. Obviously can’t help him now but something to consider for his teens.

That's interesting. Can she explain what difference it's made to her. I'd love to know what's going on in his mind.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 31/10/2024 16:48

We used to have absolute rules when DC were young - so, we never ever bought anything from a museum shop, for example, or snacks in the cinema. Because we never did it, it wasn't an issue, they knew they wouldn't be getting anything and we frogmarched them through really quickly.
We did try to avoid going through them, as they are always crowded and noisy, so if you can do that, do.
Mine would whinge in shops, and we just avoided taking them inside whenever possible - before the days of home deliveries, it's much easier now if you are UK mainland.
I had sensory issues myself as a child and remember how overwhelming busy shops could be. No fun at all, either for the child or accompanying adult. For an ND child it can only be worse.