Child cries in every shop we go in - any pearls of wisdom?

[SpinningTops]

DS is 6 and does not cope well with shops. He cries in every shop. As soon as we go in he fixates on an item he wants, gets completely attached to it and sobs that he can't leave it. We never buy the item, always prepare him before hand, he agrees but everything goes out the window when we enter the shop.

He may be autistic and I get that I should just avoid shops but it's not always possible.

For example, we went to the zoo the other day. You HAD to go through the shop to get to the animals. Cue upset and an hour to calm down.

So I'm after ideas that could help him cope.

We do have absolute rules which is why it's so difficult to understand why he continues. We never buy him things from shops.

I think it's something beyond my understanding. I assume it's something like the unpredictability / sensory overload from shops means he fixates on something to block out the other things. And gets instantly attached. It's like we're trying to take his lifelong favourite toy off him when we remove it. We have become much more supportive and less cross with the behaviour over the last year or so as we realise it's not something he's doing on purpose.

Sounds like he is overwhelmed by the noise and lights and he is fixating on an item as a form of comfort, I also have always struggled in shops especially when they are busy and have those glaring lights and music playing, your description reminds me of myself as a child and I used to take a comfort item in with me like a favourite toy ( for clarity I haven't been diagnosed as it wasn't something my parents knew about but I have seen a psychiatrist who thinks I am autistic), anyway my advice is to do similar to what I did, let him take a favourite item with him in the shop and use that as distraction

Does he have a comfort item he brings with him? Would that help?

Re ear defenders, if uncomfortable can you replace them with over-ear headphones?
A baseball cap can help if the fluorescent lights stress/pain him.
Can you designate a small toy as a pocket friend he can take with him, and have that say goodbye to the toy in the shop? Maybe make up a story about the lovely life the toy in the shop will have with someone else?

I didn’t do pocket money for the same reason but I did have a mental allocation of how much I was happy for my children to spend on things after a special day out - eg a fiver to spend in a gift shop once per half term. It’s hard though, I get it. We’ve walked out of shops with tears many times.

Never buying anything from shops ever may be exacerbating your problem though as kids tend to fixate on what they can’t have.

Have you tried music or a podcast with headphones instead? That can be distracting and something else to focus on.

If he doesn't like ear defenders or maybe also the style of the over the head. Have a look at shokz bone conductor headphones.

Other than that try visuals.

Or maybe even a reward chart where he can earn money. He can then buy items if he has enough and can physically see why he can't have everything - not using cash really doesn't help with this. Or if you want a card use one of the children's cards. Sometimes with autism they can't imagine what they can't see. Have a look at Theory of mind which is often behind or even lacking in autism. It's a really useful tool to understand it.

My ds is autistic. My friends and I often giggle about the mental gymnastics we have to go through just so what we are saying makes sense. And he's got a high IQ and is a software developer. But the language and TOM is a huge hurdle!!

Oh I don't miss those days with my dd.

I used social stories. I also gave her a task. So if it was a supermarket I'd really really need my clever dd to let me know if she saw any bananas and you know she's the absolute best at picking the nicest ones. So she would be fixated before we even got there and then happy once her task was complete.

As she's got older she uses her earphones and puts her hood up if she's overstimulated. I've just asked her for some tips from an ASD point of view for you (she's mid teens). She said knowing which shops you'll be visiting in advance and which order. Don't deviate from the plan and crunchy snacks to munch going around as she finds the oral stimulation helps her but might not work for yours obviously. And never go to tkmax lol my dd hates it.

Bless him. Not may be, is.

well I’d do the kind thing and when we have to go through a shop I’d tell him he has Max £5 and can get something or I’d get him something just one token item. Even if just a banana.

but in principle I’d go out of my way not to take him in shops. It’s torment for him, and you xx

One of mine was fine at being told to wait and the other at 6 can still be difficult! We did the taking photos thing but appreciate that's difficult, and then telling Father Christmas/putting on birthday list.

He usually does take something with him. He doesn't have a particular favourite so maybe I could allocate a 'shopping teddy'

All good ideas. We have over ear headphones so will try that (though they're rather expensive ones so perhaps some cheaper ones of his own).

I do wonder about this as I think he struggles with 'you must'. We've learned he struggles more if we say something like 'you must be quiet in here' 'you can't touch anything'. He'd find these things difficult anyway but putting a rule on it makes it harder to comply somehow.

My son is autistic and used to scream as we entered shops. He also wouldn't wear ear defenders at first. Now, he may refuse to go in but if he chooses to, he's fine. We carry ear defenders with us that he wears. I generally can't shop properly with him though, he likes to be in charge and will lead me around, it's an activity to stimulate him but not for a weekly shop.

@itsgettingweird I suspect my son might be the same. He's amazingly bright and I suspect he has a high IQ but he struggles with some things you'd expect would be easy for him.

I posted earlier in the thread but reading other peoples responses has reminded me of things. Absolutely just avoided any shops we could, got deliveries etc. But found actually buying things helped, and as I said it has not created a greedy monster (I do remember people thinking I was spoiling him and he would become grabby but this was not what happened). So say they can get something. My husband who is not bound by "what people think" would say do you know in this museum shop I am prepared to spend a tenner for everyone to have a nice day and less stress (obv whatever is within budget) sometimes holding strict boundaries just so you're not "making a rod of your own back" in others eyes is actually not effective, sometimes a flexible approach is worth a go.

That's helpful to get your DD's viewpoint. The crunchy snacks might help. He likes to munch on carrot sticks and I can pack endless amounts without worrying about the health side of things.
Knowing the order is probably helpful but sometimes harder to implement. Definitely worth trying.

I think this is a good idea. Maybe add a special shopping toy, teddy or a fidget toy, to his backpack and have it just for shops.

Will he play roleplay type games? If so, I'd try roleplaying shops with different outcomes and see if that helps him e.g. come to the shop but don't buy anything, come to the shop but they don't have what you need, come to the shop but buy only groceries, come to the shop and see something that you add to your Christmas list. In children's books/games/TV shopping is often represented as going in and always buying something, he might struggle with why you're not following the 'rule' of shops when he doesn't get to buy something.

Yes, role playing is a good idea. Even if he doesn't want to I can do it with his sister and he can watch.

It's an amazingly wonderful word you adapt to when you can be talked at for an hour about really complex subjects and then you ask a simple question and you get a freeze response!

In my sons case his inability to read faces and lack of social cues mean he is worried he'll gibe the wrong answer (to questions like what do you want for dinner 🤷‍♀️). I think it's because even if I say "ok" he can't actually read my facial and body language to figure out if I'm actually ok with that or just saying yes.

Luckily I have fabulous friends and family who accept him for the complex bundle of fun he is!

Would he react the same if he had one of his friends with him?

Then you'd know if there is sensory problem or whether he's just trying it on.

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My DM got DS one of these a few years ago and it's been amazing for preventing meltdowns. Apparently I had something similar as a kid. The pressure of it holding his wrist plus being able to focus on stroking the fur gives DS a focus when out. Saves carrying a toy around that might get lost.

When my son was little he would have the biggest meltdowns when we went to a shop after school because in his head we go straight home after school, I thought he was just being a brat. But I learned with his autism he likes when things go to plan so maybe something as simple as going the same day and time every week would help. For my son if it was planned in advance he would be a lot better than if I just said we are nipping to Asda when I picked him up. That would never end well. So maybe try a timetable he can see every day

We've never really been out with friends to shops but he behaves the same with cousins and grandparents.

Some zoos have an alternative route out for kids that can't cope with the gift shop.