What’s better, to be bland & inoffensive, or to ‘be yourself’?

[Sunkisst]

If ‘being yourself’ is a weirdo and run the risk of people thinking you’re annoying and/or possibly blurt out something offensive?

I have social anxiety and opt for option A and only show my true personality to my husband, who is a very easy-going person and enjoys my personality (or else he wouldn’t have married me I guess). But I do think and say strange things, such as my belief that raisins are the devil’s turds. Yes I realise that is crude and childish and offensive to raisin lovers. I don’t say this to anyone obviously, except my husband who didn’t even bat an eye at it as strange, but he’s an exception. So I have learned to keep my thoughts to myself as I know I’m a strange person, but it’s pretty stifling.

I think you are probably doing the right thing.

Depends if being yourself is geniunely offensive/rude/obnoxious....if so dont be yourself. Be somebody nicer!

If yourself is just abit of a weirdo then I say let your freak flag fly!

Ive found that if you are 'odd' from the first day people meet you then they just accept it TBH!😎

Thinking of yourself as a ‘weirdo’ is quite a teenage thing. It assumes you’re quite special and misunderstood whereas most people are weirdos in their own inner life. We all have quirks and raisin-turd things.

The key to passing in society as a non-weirdo is empathy. Instead of thinking about yourself and your ‘social anxiety’, you need to match the vibe of the people that you are around. You can still be yourself but if you do it empathetically, it doesn’t come across so brash or jarring.

This weirdo has taken over 50 years to learn this (and still learning it!)

You don’t like raisins. That’s not a personality trait or weird. Probably don’t shout “devils turds” at someone eating them though.
Do you have any friends?

This made me spluttering my tea, soz. 🤣

Surely there's a middle way.

Stopping yourself from blurting out comments that could be seen as crude, offensive etc doesn't mean you have to be boring and bland.

Most people self-censor to a certain extent out of consideration to others but that is not the same as hiding your true self.

I'm bland and inoffensive at work. I just stay calm and pleasant at all times, even when someone's completely obnoxious and annoying. I find it much easier that way. I have absolutely no reason energy for workplace drama.
Outside work, I'm completely different. I'm much more silly and quirky. The real me surfaces with my friends and family.

To take your specific example, lots of people would describe things they don’t like in similar terms. It would make me laugh if you said that! It’s all to do with confidence, feeling relaxed in your own skin, and reading the room, which can all be a struggle for people with social anxiety. Other people take their cue from you and if you’re embarrassed and hesitant they will feel uncomfortable, whereas those who are self-assured can get away with saying all sorts of things. Most people will rein themselves in, in more formal situations or if they don’t know others well, but I think it’s quite a common turn of phrase to describe something you don’t like as ‘the Devil’s….’ For example, I’ve heard tinned peas being described as the Devil’s spawn!

Well I don't go up to random people and bark at them 'tell me your opinion on...' but I am happy to give my opinion when appropriate

So depends

I agree with this. I'm amazed you think that characterising raisins as "devil's turds" is so weird, it's just a bit of silliness. Don't place such importance on the insignificant, we all have those ideas/ thoughts.

I would avoid saying the word turd in any context at work but loathing raisins is absolutely normal.

I think establishing a "circle of devils turds" for yourself is a good idea, only allowing a small number of people into that level of intimacy is generally wise.

I for one am very used to people describing the world in those terms and would find it hilarious (but accept I'm a minority!).

I think most people don't care what other people think of raisins.

As I've aged one of the greatest empowering things I've realised is that most people don't give half as much thought to me and my actions/opinions/cock ups as I think they do. They're too busy worrying about their own.

Just be yourself, relax, be gentle, stop worrying. You're ok. You're enough.

The opposite of belonging is fitting in. I'd rather belong as it doesn't require to change who we are.

I'm bland and inoffensive to everyone bar my husband, best friend and mum... Life experience has taught me this is better.

To answer some questions, no I don’t have friends. I have ASC and find that women my age definitely view me as a ‘weirdo’, and men are more accepting but then my experience has been that they have ulterior motives. I don’t have misogynist views like ‘all women are catty’ or anything like that, I can just tell they think something about me is not the same as them. I also have very specific interests not many women my age share (No I’m not trying to sound ‘special’, it’s just how it is. And because people will probably ask, video games and foreign language dramas). Older women are more accepting I have found but I don’t really know how to fully be myself around other people. I don’t have a good filter. It’s either totally on or off and I might say something weird like the raisins thing. Or maybe I’m just overthinking it and people will either be weirded out or not by me? For example I call my cat Moobs because he has humongous dangling cat moobs. It’s not his real name, he has a normal name that he was given before we adopted him. So with other people I only use his real name. That’s what I mean about being bland and inoffensive at all times. I have recently started taking anxiety and depression meds which have helped me to the point where I’m considering just having a ‘who cares’ type attitude and not be ashamed of who I am. It’s hard after a lifetime of being like that though.

Yes, exactly. It’s very ‘I’m kerraaaaazzzy, me!’

Not liking raisins is perfectly normal. I loathe them, though I think of them as more akin to rabbit droppings. But I don’t need to galvanise entire cafes by shrieking ‘Not RABBIT DROPPINGS IN THE GRATED CARROT SALAD!!!’ It’s perfectly possible to think things, but not feel the need to trot out your devil’s turds witticism every time a raisin appears before you. That’s boring for those around you, especially if they’ve heard it many times before.

Ok, but the two instances you’ve given are entirely unimportant, and nothing to do with your personality. No one is going to like or dislike you because you call your cat Moobs. Unless, that is, you’ve wrongly internalised some idea this makes you wild and crazy and keep telling people you’re crazy and not like other people because you call your cat Moobs, which would be tiresome and dull.

If, on the other hand, you’re given to half-hour monologues at people on anything, regardless of whether it’s your niche interest, or your ‘lack of filter’ means you are rude or make insulting personal remarks, these are not your personality, these are signs of poor social skills you can work on.

Moobs is a cute name for a pet. But if you wang on about foreign drama then maybe people do find you a bit wearing.

I think you’ve got the right idea.

Bring your whole self to work is the devil's turd. Everyone filters to a certain extent. Some find it more difficult than others.
Agree the repeated witticisms are very tiring on those around you. I had a manager that with certain trigger words HAD to trot out hackneed sayings.

I knew you were ND OP from your first post. Took me till 45 to find my tribe, often had no friends or was on the edge of groups before that. You will probably find people who are ND or who have ND kids will get you and you'l get them, that's what i have found anyway. I can already tell we'd probably get on because I am silly and childish in exactly the same way.

I would say I stay bland until I know and like someone well enough to be myself. But only my OH gets the completely unfiltered version. Masking is exhausting though.

I play video games and have loads of foreign language DvD’s. DH and I sing to horses in fields and have many words or phrases that we make up. But we are comfortable in our own skins and it’s our own private little world. I know full well that some of our ways would be deemed not appropriate. Yours sounds like an impulse control issue.

I help run a clan for a specific game that has 50 members. I also belong to 3 women only discords. Women do game it’s just that due to misogyny they are less vocal and don’t team up so often. They are also more likely to play co operative games than shoot other players in the face. But there are lots of women that game. I’m 58 and have gamed for 48 years. On MN Gaming is a bit frowned on.

The raisins thing would annoy me because it's not just disliking them it's ruining them for other people/suggesting your preference is the best preference

I think that's fairly childish and it would annoy me if you went on about it - just don't have the raisins?

I don't even like raisins the sunmaid as a purported treat thing from childhood has ruined dried fruit for me

You‘re majorly overthinking this. Most people operate on a spectrum of how much they reveal
about themselves, depending on the situation. You might demonstrate more reserve at work, be freer in informal situations, and very relaxed and open with close friends and family. It’s only when there is a major mismatch that it becomes noticeable - someone who is very stiff with family, or gives TMI about their personal life at work.

I don’t find your announcements about foreign dramas, video games, raisin hatred or your cat‘s name in any way out of the ordinary and it does smack a bit of “I’m zany, me!” Which can be offputting if that’s how it comes over. Everyone has likes, dislikes and interests. Do you tend to bang on about them a bit?