What’s better, to be bland & inoffensive, or to ‘be yourself’?

[Sunkisst]

If ‘being yourself’ is a weirdo and run the risk of people thinking you’re annoying and/or possibly blurt out something offensive?

I have social anxiety and opt for option A and only show my true personality to my husband, who is a very easy-going person and enjoys my personality (or else he wouldn’t have married me I guess). But I do think and say strange things, such as my belief that raisins are the devil’s turds. Yes I realise that is crude and childish and offensive to raisin lovers. I don’t say this to anyone obviously, except my husband who didn’t even bat an eye at it as strange, but he’s an exception. So I have learned to keep my thoughts to myself as I know I’m a strange person, but it’s pretty stifling.

I really don’t think you are as „out there“ as you think or have been led to believe, sounds like you are associating with the wrong people for you, but that’s just work. It’s more about being confident about your choices. The cat thing, if you said my cats nickname is moons because he has them I’d not think Jesus what a weirdo.

we all at work don’t say everything we think or would say to friends or a partner at home, that’s just normal life isn’t it? We’d all get sacked if we voiced our thoughts. Have a read of Alain de boton, he talks about this.

Probably best to start neutral and gradually expand when you find someone on the same wavelength. Getting to know people is a process - if you swamp them with all your quirks on first meeting, they will wonder what the hell has yet to come.

The raisin thing in itself is nothing, some people would say it without thinking and nobody would raise an eyebrow, but if you are a slightly awkward person who introduced stuff like that in a "This is me! I am a person who calls raisins devils turds! Ha! Do you hate me now? Am I too much for you?!" way then that will make people think something is a bit off.

Yes, avoiding big pronouncements at work especially when they are apropos of nothing is key . Had a colleague who announced he didn’t watch tv, and then a few months in would bang on about various tv programmes. I once used the word blended to describe his children/step children - I don’t use that term don’t like it. Oh ok. Few weeks later he’s talking about his blended family.

I also have very specific interests not many women my age share (No I’m not trying to sound ‘special’, it’s just how it is. And because people will probably ask, video games and foreign language dramas).

Do you mean Kdrama? If so, you probably already know about this, but just in case, there’s a longtime ongoing thread in Telly Addicts for the cognoscenti! -

• *MsLatté’s Daebak Cybercafé (Kdrama addicts #47)

I don't think any of what you've described is particularly weird at all. And foreign language dramas are popular nowadays especially Korean and Japanese! Loads of younger people like them, my DS does.

Yes, exactly this. It’s nothing to do with the raisins or the feline moobs. Or indeed the gaming or foreign dramas. If you are given to lengthy monologues, and are completely unable to distinguish when your hearer is bored and desperate to get you to stop, it doesn’t matter whether you’re talking about Korean detective shows or your laundry.

I once had to rescue two terribly polite strangers in a car park from my father’s monologue about his recent dental work. I was in the car, at a distance, feeding a fractious newborn, and he’d left his phone in the car, so couldn’t intervene sooner, but I timed him on my phone from the moment I noticed the ‘conversation’ (in which the two other people said nothing) was going on a bit till the moment I was able to unlatch DS and get out of the car. 22 minutes. Of dentistry. And that was only after I started to think ‘He’s been talking a while, hasn’t he?’ It could easily have been half an hour in total.

I did bring it up with him afterwards. He looked very surprised that I thought he’d done anything odd, and said ‘I found out we had the same dentist. I thought they’d be interested!’

None of what you’ve described is particularly weird or niche. If it was you’d struggle to access it. I think your lack of self awareness is an issue. To be so self absorbed and think only a couple of people ‘get you’ is quite the barrier personality-wise. Try being curious about other people’s interests…I think you’d be surprised.

And remember - to make a friend you need to be a friend. It’s not your personality that matters as much as your personability.

He looked very surprised that I thought he’d done anything odd, and said ‘I found out we had the same dentist. I thought they’d be interested!’

Maybe they were!

They were a couple probably in their late 20s or early 30s visibly trying to back away from the 70 old man describing in blow by blow detail the construction of his false teeth, so I’d be surprised.

My step mother regaled the young folk at a 21st birthday party with the details of my father's testiclular issues. She's a retired nurse and thinks bodies are fascinating and of extreme interest to others.

I don't think there's a hard-and-fast rule. But I do think it is good to recognise your individuality and embrace it. Working out which parts of your individuality are appropriate to display and in which contexts can be complicated.

No I don’t bang on about things with other people, I’m very quiet and reserved externally but internally is a different story. I’ve been told not to say things like calling my cat Moobs or my dislike of raisins because it’s weird to people. If someone were eating something with raisins of course I wouldn’t start yelling about devil’s turds, I do have some social awareness, more so if someone presented me with something with raisins or asked if I liked raisins. But then I would say something bland like ‘Ehhh not my favourite if I’m honest’, rather than state my honest extreme dislike of raisins. I don’t think I’m oooo zany 🤪 look at me I’m so weird! 🎉 It’s been my experience that that’s how people look at me, as weird. So I just stay quiet and keep my thoughts to myself.

I talk to all animals, like pigeons etc. Like if one comes over I’ll say ‘Oh hello there’. And again this has weirded people out. I love animals, I’m not trying to be weird. Maybe as others have said I’ve just been around the wrong people for me.

I think you, and others who have replied in a similar vein, don’t really understand what it’s like to be neurodivergent in a neurotypical world. It has nothing to do with being ‘self absorbed.’ It’s the result of a lifetime of having people reject you or finding you ‘off’ in some way, and trying desperately to find what it is that puts people off you, until you realise some people do just seem
to immediately detect your neurodiversity and immediately treat you differently because of it. Op, l’ve essentially just stopped masking because it was exhausting. Some people won’t like your ‘weirdness’ and some will, but at least you won’t have to fake it anymore.

edit: just saw your recent comment and I think you sound fun!

Is it rally lot of people or just one ? Or is one person saying to you that lots of people find it weird ?

I mean the raisins thing is a common saying so I don't get why many people would think that weird ( I mean I like raisins but I know others thing poo )

I'm not really following what you mean by 'bland' - it is totally normal to filter yourself in different scenarios.

I think its part of your ASC to think you are weird. Or it is possible that self policing is what's making you seem odd to people. You don't know how to relate to people but you have formed a bond with your DH and can be yourself with him. So that's good. There's probably a friend out there for you somewhere.

I dont think its bland and boring to avoid referring to bodily secretions/ bodily waste/ sex/ swearing/ genitals/ boobs /moobs/ bottoms. Its also a generally good idea not to say anything sexist/ racist/ xenophobic/ homophobic or generally offensive to other normally marginalised groups. Other than that you should be OK.

You are allowed to express preferences like "I don't like raisins" or "foreign language films float my boat". Neither of these things are weird and you will find women who love foreign language films just as much as men.

Lose the idea "I get on much better with men" that makes you sound annoying. Women have a wide variety of interests too.

Who is telling you not to say these things?

The talking to animals thing, I do it all the time. I wave at sheep that stare at me. talk to wasps etc. I would never think that was weird.

It’s not that I get on better with men. It’s that men tend to be more accepting of me. But then they tend to be more accepting because they have an ulterior motive. I have found a lot of autistic women have had this experience as well.

Edited to add, I’m on MN because I enjoy this is a mainly women-centric space and I like that aspect.

I've been told not to say things like calling my cat Moobs or my dislike of raisins because it’s weird to people.

I think whoever said that was trying and failing to express something about your overall social communication that is unusual. These things are subtle so we fall back on specific examples of oddness but really changing these individual things will not make someone socially adept if they aren't.

I say fuck it - you have a lovely husband who thinks you're great, you clearly hold down a job... you're doing fine!

I know lots of ND women with your interests. Fortunately younger women are more diverse and my own ND dd has always been able to find friends. Her bestfriends are always a bit quirky like her. Work is different, it’s quite common, and not just masking, to rub along with people and avoid opining on things in an extreme way. I’m a big swearer in my private life. That’s not appropriate at work,

I do understand masking is exhausting by the way and the need to be in control even when jn sensory overload. But it’s common to check yourself and think about how you come across to
people.

It's not so much that your views are weird but maybe the expression is out of place? If people are joking around about foods they dislike or make them ill then saying "I think raisins are the devil's turds" will fit right in. But if someone is talking about a recipe they've made with raisins in it or the lovely raisins they brought back from holiday then "I don't like raisins" is a downer and "raisins are the devil’s turds" is offensive. If you're not confident about the right time and place then that's a good reason to play it safe especially at work.

I’m mad me.

Well with the pigeon thing, I had met up with someone to visit a museum and we were sitting outside. It was like I had two heads or something when I said hello to a pigeon that waddled over. The wtf look was very clear! That surprised me because I always talk to animals.

You don't sound particularly out there to me, OP. As has been said, as long as you're not droning on in great detail about your interests or shouting things at people as they're eating...I don't see a problem.

Did keeping this to yourself start in your teen years, by any chance? I have some "odd" interests (taxidermy, Victoriana, historical medicine/herbs, gothic horror. I like doing collaborative writing with friends, which is apparently seen as odd!). But I grew up not really caring if they were strange; I knew most people didn't want to hear about it, so didn't harp on, but neither was I embarrassed or made to feel small about it. My sense of humour is a bit dark, which again I have to be a bit careful with but not to the point of suffocating myself.

I think if I'd been told I was weird over and over again, by now I'd probably believe it! Now I do get the odd "Giddy is a strange one, she's got a stuffed crow!" comments, but I just smile. Doesn't bother me. You can have a personality without it being forceful and in your face. I don't think hiding who you are is any fun, but just be aware of yourself and don't cross that line from funny to offensive, or different to a total bore.

I think you sound fun and a wee bit geeky! I like that in people!

Oh, and I'm ND. I have ADHD.