What’s better, to be bland & inoffensive, or to ‘be yourself’?

[Sunkisst]

If ‘being yourself’ is a weirdo and run the risk of people thinking you’re annoying and/or possibly blurt out something offensive?

I have social anxiety and opt for option A and only show my true personality to my husband, who is a very easy-going person and enjoys my personality (or else he wouldn’t have married me I guess). But I do think and say strange things, such as my belief that raisins are the devil’s turds. Yes I realise that is crude and childish and offensive to raisin lovers. I don’t say this to anyone obviously, except my husband who didn’t even bat an eye at it as strange, but he’s an exception. So I have learned to keep my thoughts to myself as I know I’m a strange person, but it’s pretty stifling.

You need to find your tribe with your particular flavour of weird. Not easy thy.

I'm exactly like this, always have been. I say weird stuff, I talk to animals, I sometimes talk to trees, spiders or even inanimate objects (like I tell the fridge to shut up when it buzzes). People don't like me, but men have always been far more accepting and non-judgemental of me than women have. I used to gel better with people older than myself but now I'm old.

When I was young I used to mask my true personality. I used to try to be a bit normal/ordinary/bland but now I'm 60 I just don't care any more. I know I'll never fit in, never be accepted or liked so I don't bother trying. I do my own thing, in my own way and if people think I'm weird that's not my problem.

I don't think of myself as zany, I'm not one of those "I'm mad me, har har har" types - I'm quiet, bookish but I just struggle to connect with people. My partner is quiet too but he's better at being bland and he says I sometimes come across as a bit odd even when I think I'm being quite normal.

But when you get older OP, it might worry you less and you can just be who you are without even thinking about it.

It did start as a teenager yes. I used to be bullied although I didn’t realise it at the same, other than I felt bad. The more popular girls I was ‘friends’ with used to use me to make themselves look better, at my expense. I tried to just blend in but I don’t think it worked 🤔

It has an impact, bullying at that age. I'm sorry you went through that, OP! Wouldn't surprise me if it stems from there; but there's nothing "weird" about you from what you've written here! You just sound like an interesting person. I'm surprised people are looking at you funny for talking to animals...they're the weirdos! Loads of people do that!

I reckon you're just surrounded by boring people. 😁

Everyone masks, that's part of living in society. We all come home and are grumpy or moany to family or close friends but we keep our manners in public or at work. But masking to the level you describe must be exhausting. I think it's ok to be yourself a bit more. To be honest the examples you give don't sound at all weird to me, have people responded strangely to you when you say these things to make you believe this? I suspect it's the way words are delivered rather than the things themselves. No one gives a shit who likes raisins or not but it's the kind of thing you may say once to a colleague or whoever, then you do not ever need to say it again.

I like @Screamingabdabz advice, the key is empathy. Think of something you find really boring, would you like to listen to someone talk for 8 minutes about this or bring it up every day? If you have special interests try to imagine the other person might find this boring and try imagine how they feel. It's ok to ask for a sense check too if you don't pick up on social cues, like ask 'do you think I'm talking too much about this' or 'sorry, did i say that too abruptly'.

OP you are likely nowhere near as weird as you think you are.

Most people have small quirks like the ones you've described, which they don't necessarily do in public.

We behave in more socially appropriate ways because we have empathy and want others to feel comfortable around us and to build positive relationships.

It doesn't mean you can't "be yourself", it's just about self awareness and empathy. We all have different sides of ourselves, they are still "us".

Nah, you're just hanging out with the wrong people! Saying hello to an animal is not weird in my book. Abandoning the conversation with your companion and having a lengthy one sided conversation with the pigeon would probably raise an eyebrow........ 😆.
How understanding are your immediate family of your ND ? (as in parents/siblings) it does sound rather like you have been surrounded by people telling you how to behave to seem 'normal'. Which if you don't understand what you did that was perceived to be odd is enough to make anyone paranoid about saying the wrong thing and withdraw from expressing anything just in case.
I'm really disappointed by all the comments basically saying 'just learn social skills and don't be rude'. Pretty sure the whole thing about being ND is that you can't 'just' do that or you already would be. No one WANTS to be socially inept and awkward, it's not like it's fun!

Your post was really soothing to me, like a future me writing to me of today. Obviously you’re your own person but it’s nice knowing there’s a kindred spirit out there.

I used to gel better with people older than myself but now I'm old.

I hadn’t thought about this conundrum of eventually running out of people older than myself 😆

Noone should be rude and abnoxious to anyone else

Be a weirdo and find your tribe. Some people will take offence at anything, others will shrug it off if wasn’t intentional and others will revel in your weirdness.

My parents don’t ‘believe’ in ND other than say textbook Rain Man type of presenting. They are very traditional and rigid and I wasn’t allowed to express my personality fully, nor my interests. They are highly religious to the point of things like D&D were avenues for demonic possession, or Pokémon being short for Pocket Monsters was also demonic and not allowed. Fantasy also frowned upon. I wasn’t allowed to have pets except for small animals, but I didn’t like them having to be in cages (no judgments to other people this is just my personal feeling). I guess I learned to keep myself inside. And when I have expressed myself then people end up thinking I’m weird or I get strange reactions from people. I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t drone on about topics or make unusual body movements or anything obvious that I can tell. I can only surmise that I have some kind of aura that I give off.

The thing about finding your tribe who you can be yourself with is ok if there happen to be enough of them about.
I find, for example, that I want to talk about genealogy and laugh at Viz Top Tips and similar but sadly no one I know is close to that so I am not fully myself around anyone.
Im ok with feeling secretly different as it’s all I’ve ever known.

Ah well, I'm glad to hear that my post helped because it's actually not so bad feeling comfortable to be who you are. Just tell yourself you have a mentor somewhere in the wilds of Lancashire 😘

I was bullied at school for being quiet and always having my head in a book and that was when the masking started for me. It continued to some extent in my 20's and 30's but then I just slowly stopped bothering to do it. Once I got to 40 plus I was just entirely myself, warts and all, quirks and oddities no longer hidden.

Yeah, it's funny - one day you're suddenly the older generation yourself and everyone around you is young but then it becomes okay. Getting old isn't scary, you just feel glad of the wisdom you've accrued and you inwardly roll your eyes at peoples attitudes a lot of the time. That's when your brain heaves a sigh of relief that you are your authentic self 😊

Your parents are the weirdos here. It sounds like you turned out astonishingly normal coming from that home!

Your feeling of weirdness is your ASD. I have ASD too and this is exactly how I feel, and when I've spoken to other women with ASD again this is a really common feeling. Your asking if you should mask.

It's not a "oo I'm so zany me" weird, it's like a lot of people act like there's something deeply wrong with you, and I can tell they are uncomfortable talking to me weird. A lot of NT people struggle to interact with ND people, especially when they are younger. When you've spent your whole life with people acting like your properly weird it's a hard mentality to get out of

The problem is people on this thread can give all the advise in the world but a lot of it is through a NT lense. So telling you as long you don't do this that or that other doesn't really help. The key isn't empathy its social cues which ND people struggle with

Mn isn't the best place to spend time if this is how you feel because a lot of posters are very judgemental, and you will find basically everything will be judged at some point. Even on this thread where you've said your ND people are still writing some quite unpleasant replies

I think the key thing to remember is it doesn't actually matter if people think your weird. Your not lesser than because someone thinks your a bit odd. There are lots and lots of people out there like you, and even if there aren't that's still absolutely okay.

I’m liking this mental image of my mentor out in the wilds of Lancashire, maybe in a Croft somewhere windswept like out of Wuthering Heights, although that was Yorkshire, my apologies…or maybe that is where I would just like to end up 😸 As long as I have high speed internet access, and deliveries.

Oh that is odd, I’d have suggested they were the weird one and had them questioning themselves!

Yes that’s it exactly. When I say I feel like a weirdo, it’s that I feel like an outcast. Not that I’m just so wacky no one can handle me and my wacky antics!

I don’t really know how to partially mask, or the difference between just regular social politeness and autistic masking. It feels the same to me. So that’s why I said I don’t have a filter, it’s either on or off. I definitely don’t try to say anything rude or insulting, I try to be kind and considerate of others, but sometimes I phrase things wrongly and it ends up insulting by accident. To not inadvertently annoy people, I keep what I feel is a bland and quiet mask on, but even then I end up doing or saying something other people say is strange, like with the pigeons, or if I get hot (I’m going through perimenopause) sometimes I use a Japanese folding hand fan that my husband gave me as a gift. I was told people would think I’m weird or stare when I use it in public (when I was told this I was using it in a coffee shop and no one stared that I could tell). I used it anyways because I don’t see why I should be ashamed, and I was boiling hot! (and I still talk to pigeons etc) but it was just another thing I guess. Maybe I just don’t know what ‘normal’ is. Maybe I attract bullying types because I’m unsure of myself.

Anyways this is all a bit navel-gazey. I feel embarrassed I’m only starting to figure myself out in my 40s.

It's not unlike that, at the edge of moorland. And yes, we have good internet and deliveries.

When I'm gone I'll leave the key under the mat for you - as long as you promise to feed the cats 😉

Welcome to the potentially ND club!!!!

It is perfectly normal to address all wildlife and livestock :)

But everyone keeps some thoughts to themselves to some degree. If we all said what we really felt and thought and shared our opinions on everything with no filter, then it wouldn’t make for a peaceful environment.

”Out of the mouths of babes” is a good illustration. We can’t take offence at what a 3 year old says even if it’s offensive because they don’t understand why it may be offensive to an adult. The same can’t be said if another adult said the same thing.

No one is liked by everyone, regardless of how they present themselves, whether it’s meek and mild, loud and obnoxious and everything in between.

My point is, just be yourself!

I've come to realise that people judge you regardless...so I'm all for being your weirdo self. What one may class as weird, one may class as normal! What even is weird? What even is normal?!

Fwiw I think you sound delightful. You have the double whammy of ASC and an unsupportive family which has meant you've had to suppress yourself in both the social and private sphere growing up. It's no wonder you're only starting to tentatively think about how to express the real you. It's easy to tie yourself up in knots wondering what might appear "normal" or "weird" to other people but it's a whole new world when you just stop caring. Nothing you've mentioned here that you've said or done enters into the realm of anti-social, so it's just a case of being able to accept that not everyone is going to "get" you, which is the case for everyone to a greater or lesser degree.

Just recognise there's a time and a place.

But I do think the raising thing is an odd way to define your personality.