If your MIL offered free childcare what would you be grateful for ?

[Howtodothisproperly]

Health permitting I want to offer this to my Ds and dil. They have been contemplating starting a family but childcare is looking like a huge cost they won’t be able to cover so have said they just can’t even consider it yet . They seem down about it.

Im aware that MILs can be problematic and I don’t want to be so I was looking for opinions !

If this was offered to you would you prefer the childcare to be in your home or MIL home?
Would you appreciate housework done too if at your house or would that feel ?intrusive ?patronising. I wouldn’t want to overstep but equally want to be helpful.

I don’t want to make the offer and seem pushy either in a ‘I want a grandchild’ way if that makes sense.

Any advice welcome

As a word of caution only offer what you can deliver on.

Personally, I think this is a tremendously generous offer but I know things like this can backfire.

And think carefully about if this is something you really can do. Don't worry about the ins and outs eg where the childcare would be and housework etc until your DIL is pregnant or at least born as things change

This is really kind. I think you're getting slightly ahead of yourself. But certainly let them know that you'd be willing to do SOME childcare when the time comes. Don't promise them things that you might not be able to follow through with when the time comes. It's a huge thing to commit to.

When and if they have their baby it will become more obvious to your DIL and yourself what arrangement you will both be comfortable with. She can't know what she wants for her baby until they're here and approaching the end of maternity leave. As a hypethetical, before I had kids I would probably have said yes to things I wouldn't have after I become a mother if you know what I mean? And definitely don't over thing the housework/whose house type of questions just yet either.

I'd ask them what works for them, if you're this flexible. I'd bite your hand off for any free childcare at all and be extremely grateful. I'd personally offer to pay you petrol and food (and a bit extra if you would accept it), and at the very least, if you were in my home, I'd expect you to feel free to help yourself to any food/drink you want, but I know from reading threads on here that others feel differently.

It depends on their situation I think.

We have more than enough money to pay for day to day childcare so wouldn't really find that valuable.

What we would would kill for is the odd weekend away without the kids.

Don't get into things like housework - you need to establish what happens if you can't do a regular slot for any reason or if the child is ill, what if you disagree about what food/parenting approach/level of outdoor activity/travel etc is best for the child, are there any strings attached etc... how many days a week.

I think for now, decide what is feasible for you, and give a genuine and realistic offer but with no pressure (and not going into the details above!) or expectations.

As a hypethetical, before I had kids I would probably have said yes to things I wouldn't have after I become a mother if you know what I mean?

Yes this is totally true.

Before making any offer I think you should make sure you can commit. Can you commit if they delay having kids for 10 years? Can you still commit if they have 3 under 5? Can you commit if they have twins? Are you suddenly going to be going on long cruises or disappearing for 6 weeks at a time on holiday? How much childcare can you honestly think you can manage? Then let them know you might be able to offer some childcare if that is something they want but you can probably only do it for 1 day a week and emergencies or only for the next 10 years.

I think the own home Vs MIL’s home depends on if the parents wfh, how far away you are and if you’re prepared to have a load of plastic tat at your house too. I wouldn’t mind my child going to in-laws for care and would be easier as we do WFH (moot point as they’re too far away) and my in laws would be fine with stuff at their house.

Housework I think depends on your relationship and you might not be aware of it feels intrusive. If my MIL loaded the dishwasher or ran the hoover round it wouldn’t feel intrusive. My step-mum tries to help with cleaning when she’s here but it does feel like I’m being judged for not being at her standard. Some of that stems from never fitting in and she has very high standards. My mum and MIL have more relaxed standards so it wouldn’t feel like I was being judged and it was just helping me out.

You clearly have the best of intentions but I'm not sure that you should make this offer at this stage. If your help is essential for them consider having a baby now then maybe the time isn't right for them.

Nobody knows what the future will bring. What happens if for some reason you're not able to keep up this commitment? They need to be able to cope by themselves and for your help to be a bonus that makes things a bit easier. Your help can't be the only thing allowing them to survive.

It's hard to offer beyond "I'd do what I could" because you just don't know how your health will be, if the child will have complex needs, if it'll be twins, three under 4, none for a decade etc

This is wonderful. At the end of the day you need to talk to them as to their preferences, it's not about what people here want.

Personally I think offer two or three days a week max. There will still be other times when child is sick and you get called in. If it were me I'd prefer the child to be in MILs house. I think I'd get jealous of MIL being in my space with my baby all day, I was very upset returning to work so would have struggled with this element. Maybe a day in each house would work. Don't over commit yourself because you might get exhausted and you will find you'll need time for appointments or holidays and they will be let down. If they had a day or two in a nursery they have the option of booking a few extra days if needed when you are not available.

I think you are right and thoughtful to say it now so they can factor it in to cost. It's tough on young couples these days.

if and when they are pregnant, then its the time to offer any support you feel able to offer, but please don't offer it to encourage them to have children.

what happens if for some reason you cannot provide the level of childcare they need? illness? holiday? bereavement?

I can honestly say as i have recently become a GM, looking after a baby is exhausting, are you in a position health wise and work wide to offer so much support?

also be careful of being taken for granted... give them (some) an inch and they take a yard!

Regular weekly childcare is only a money saver it it's really consistent - so the same day(s) every single week, so that they don't have to secure a paid childcare place for that day. They will have to use annual leave any time you then can't do that day as (despite what MN would have you believe) ad hoc childcare to cover the odd day is very hard to source.
This could become massively limiting for you so don't offer it unless you are really sure.

Our DCs grandparents aren't local but help out for a weeks childcare at a time in e.g. summer holidays which is fab. For me id always prefer at my house and housework would be intrusive, but it's a very personal choice.

My in-laws do childcare for us two days a week, at their house. I think it being at their house works best, they can do their own thing without us being around.

We provided them with what they'd need eg a high chair, pushchair, and a car seat, as we didn't think they should need to pay for those.

We are extremely grateful for it!!

I think I'd most appreciate a full open conversation about it.

Location would depend on the logistics of getting to work from wherever you live, but I think if I can deliver child to you and get to work on time, that's probably best for everyone.

I wouldn't expect housework if you were at mine, I think I might find it insulting that you felt it was needed, but tidying up after yourself and DC would be appreciated.

The most important thing is that you're reliable, I think. So only offer regular childcare if you can 100% do it. If you're going to want lots of days off (and why shouldn't you if you're not working?) that's not helpful and it would be better to help in a more adhoc way. Obviously you will have holidays, but lots of notice is needed so we can arrange leave to cover.

Mainly though, talk talk talk. Ask what they want and say what you want.

Thankyou I appreciate all the advice. My other idea I’m considering is going back to PT work (I don’t need to work as DH earns enough) but I could then save this money and offer to pay for nursery fees if this is what they’d prefer as they may like the idea from a socialising perspective, also like it’s been pointed out I could promise then (hopefully not !) be unwell and leave them in a tricky situation so a back up plan may be a good idea

I'd hate the idea that you were working just to pay our nursery fees.

Be careful only to offer what you can sustain. I wouldn't offer full time.

Oh yes and I agree with PP. You can say some help with childcare might be available in passing, but don't have any of these conversations until they're expecting.

My parents do regular childcare for my sibling and there are so many issues when they go on holiday. I think it's more hassle than it's worth. Far better to offer a financial contribution towards costs, if you are able and willing, and / or to offer help during times of illness etc .

In the nicest possible way it could be years and years before you get to this position. We ended up having IVF (which I hope doesn't happen to your DS and DIL) and so we had our DC 3 years after we first started TTC.

I would encourage them to put their child into a preschool doing 9-3 (mine accepts them from 9 months) when they were ready to go back to work and offer to do most pick ups, drop offs and school holidays. That is outrageously generous but it will give you some breathing room from a lot of full days with a toddler (or more) which is tough going and the parents will save a fortune from not putting them in a private nursery.

I wouldn’t tell them that now I’d just save the money and then it might be better to offer the choice ? I just want to help , my parents were awful to us when we got married a very ‘don’t expect anything ! You e made your bed now lie on it!’ Horrible approach and kept the dc at arms length and ‘children should be seen and not heard ‘ etc etc.
They also judged me when I went back to work and I know that DIL adores her career so I want to help them to be able to choose to start a family if they wish and have that support network in whatever form it takes .

Yes I’m hyper aware I don’t want to come across as just desperate for a grandchild and to put pressure on them as that would be awful

I'd advise you to think very carefully before committing. I retired to look after my granddaughter. I wanted to predominantly and firstly help my son and his partner with childcare costs and their working commitments, but of course I wanted also to have a relationship with my granddaughter. I was very very close to my grandmother and I wanted that for my son, which he did.

In the main it's worked out OK but we all went into it without discussion. We didn't talk about what it would look like if I'm ill and physically can't have her due to illness. We didn't talk about what would happen on the days that she is ill. We didn't talk about the times I was on holiday. All of this has happened . .my granddaughter has had days where she should have been at home with mum, but mum hasn't agreed. In turn I've caught norovirus, it's gone through our house, sickness, diahorrea,whatever and I'm told I can't have "the day off". I do travel a fair bit, it's a bit of a passion of mine, particularly now I have a bit more time and money, but I can't drop everything these days to go. Even a long weekend. It has caused tension in our relationships, which is the last thing I ever wanted. I've only ever wanted to help out, but really it's turned out more like I'm the hired help and my son and his partner are my employers. I was even told recently that I can't go on holiday because I've taken up the responsibilities of having my granddaughter and she is my responsibility during the working week. I'm now due to having an operation in the next few weeks/months....nothing any of us could have forseen...but already we all panicking about the recovery period I'm meant to be having and already I feel bad about taking it and I'm sure I won't.

I'm trying to do everything to keep the peace, not fall out, not cause tensions but it has in parts and it's left me very hurt. I don't want to make your post about me....but like you I started out "just wanting to help" and now I feel overstretched. I don't want my children to continually thank me for what I'm doing...but I thought they'd be a bit nicer to me!

I haven't involved myself in their house. My sons partner doesn't drive,I do pick my granddaughter up to take her back to my house and my husband takes her home at the end of the working day. I didn't really want to be tied to their house...I have my own house to run...and tbh although I had an active MIL who granted did nothing in the realms of what I'm doing, she did help me out loads. ..I'm just not sure I would have liked her poking round my house. My sons partner is very on top of her house and is very organised and I didn't think she'd want me ironing, houseworking etc. To be fair I've never asked, I just know even the suggestion wouldn't be taken with the grace of which I mean it.

Absolutely I agree it’s only because they’ve mentioned it a few times now so I really want to be supportive but not interfere. I just know I don’t want to be an annoying MIL !!!

Oh my god you are an incredibly nice person op !
I just wanted to say that

i suppose if you gently say to them that, as long as you have your health you would be there for them a day or two a week but from the sounds of it you don’t seem like an intrusive person at all. So it will be fine 💐💐💐💐💐

@Howtodothisproperly perhaps if they mention in conversation the costs of childcare you could say "I would like to help you with this, so please don't let that be a barrier to any plans to have." And have they looked at the government scheme for helps with childcare costs? We now get 15 hours per week term time funded, increasing in 2025. We also use the voucher scheme where we pay in eg £80 and it gets topped up to £100.