If your MIL offered free childcare what would you be grateful for ?

[Howtodothisproperly]

Health permitting I want to offer this to my Ds and dil. They have been contemplating starting a family but childcare is looking like a huge cost they won’t be able to cover so have said they just can’t even consider it yet . They seem down about it.

Im aware that MILs can be problematic and I don’t want to be so I was looking for opinions !

If this was offered to you would you prefer the childcare to be in your home or MIL home?
Would you appreciate housework done too if at your house or would that feel ?intrusive ?patronising. I wouldn’t want to overstep but equally want to be helpful.

I don’t want to make the offer and seem pushy either in a ‘I want a grandchild’ way if that makes sense.

Any advice welcome

If they are basing their decision on your ability to contribute in some way, then they can’t really afford a baby. Anything could happen to change your situation. Your husband could get sick and you might need to become the breadwinner for your own household. grandparent help needs to be a bonus, not an essential line item in the planning.

My MIL is not in the position to help due to still working and distance. However, she’s still been an amazing support for us. She will buy things like pyjamas and socks, the non-fun stuff that nobody wants to buy. She does a post every few months and will ask what we want/need for DC. She’s happy to buy books, toys, craft things, shoes, pjs, raincoats. Literally anything we list.

Going back to work she would make comments about her kids thriving at play school or nursery. When we had nursery bugs and trying to fit in work, she’d send us money for a takeaway or give us a bottle of wine.

If you want to be supportive but are unsure how much you can commit at this stage, absolutely do the emergency care. If they have a child and then they go through nursery bugs, be the emergency contact (providing you’re not on holiday). Pick the child up from nursery and have them at yours so they can both keep working and save their annual leave for holidays and days out. Make it known that you can have them if they both need to work late or have work commitments that will put them in an all day conference and unable to answer the phone.

Theres loads of ways supporting when they get there that isn’t going to work to pay for their childcare or committing to regular childcare and not being able to sustain it.

You sound lovely 😍. My mother in law is great and we get on well, but my eldest is 4 and she's never had my two. The reason being that prior to children she said she's had her children and didn't want to do regular childcare, which is absolutely fair enough, so that was out. And she has never said she would like to have them, she frequently says if you're caught short let me know etc but the reality is those instances are rare and I'd go to my own mum, and I want her to want to spend time with them. I'd always struggle alone if I didn't feel they were 100% wanted.

My MIL has done one day a week looking after our son since he was 11 months old (he's almost 3). We're very grateful but I was nervous about it before we started and I would never have agreed to it if I thought we would be reliant on it to be able to have a child - it's lovely to save a day of fees and I think it's great that they get to spend time together but if it stopped working for any of us we'd look at adding an additional day of paid childcare.

Some things to consider:

• I wouldn't offer before they're even pregnant, it makes you seem as though you're pushing for grandkids and it puts too much weight on the offer.
• When you do get there, think seriously about what you're committing to and don't over-promise. Looking after a little one is exhausting!
• Sit down with them and discuss all of the logistical stuff well in advance so everyone knows where they stand. Are you coming to them, or is grandchild coming to you? Who's doing the driving? Are you expecting them to provide food for the baby? Lunch for you? Petrol money? A per diem for when you're out and about?
• If they're using this as childcare for when they're working then don't forget that you'll need to give them notice if you're planning on going away/have medical appointments/have visitors in town and can't do your usual thing. Discuss with them how much notice they'll need and realistic expectations of how often you might be out of commission.
• Do you have an end date in mind for when you'll stop doing this? (When the little one starts school? Sooner? If they have a second, will the offer still stand?) Worth discussing that as well.

Grandparents as carers can work really well provided everyone is respectful of the arrangement, but you do all need to go in eyes open. Best of luck!

ETA: And if on reflection, you don't think that you can offer regular care, then there's absolutely nothing wrong with reaching that conclusion. There are lots of ways you can offer that support without the intense commitment of regular childcare - emergency babysitting and ad hoc evenings off are amazing too.

I think it's fine to offer to help with childcare "when the time comes" but be careful with not over offering, certainly not with housework too as you need to remember you are older so caring for a child will be harder work now! When they do have dc at that point you could offer to do some basics like laundry occasionally but not something to mention now

Offering to help them out a couple of days a week is a great idea! As long as you know you’re up for it and can be consistent I don’t see the issue.
They’ll benefit from a day or two at nursery too which will keep the cost down for them, especially with the government funding in place.

I think it's a nice thought but you are bound for 3-4 years to that arrangement, longer if they have more children.

My aunt did this and was utterly relieved when her grandchildren were older and didn't need someone at home waiting for them after school anymore (different country, school was out around lunchtime). She only did it 3 days a week but she felt too restricted but also unable to ask for it to stop.

Maybe be prepared to offer ad-hoc ones, days where your DS and DIL may have to be somewhere where they can't take the child. Or a weekend day so they can do things alone. Illness cover if a child is not able to attend childcare/school but well enough for a parent to go back to work.

I loved how my PIL did things with DD when she was younger, she had so much fun but I would have hated for them not being able to do what they want with their lives.

Both my parents and my parents in law look after my children. We’ve never paid nursery fees and have saved a huge amount thanks to their generosity. This was something they both offered.
things do come up as other people have said, holidays etc, but honestly we just make it work as and when.
we drop them off to their homes and pick them up.
we are so grateful for this help. Our kids have the best relationship with their grandparents, they truly are their second parents.
We also take them on holiday once a year- we pay for it- as a thank you. I’d love to be able to do the same for my kids when they’re older.
it wouldn’t work for everyone but honestly it’s the best set up for our family.

Depends how old and fit you are

Whether you can offer for one but not subsequent children

Whether you can cope with babies

Definitely in your house not theirs. That way you get the mess, they don't

Work out who will be transporting to yours and home again.

You follow ALL their rules about diet and sleep.

You (where you can) get your own equipment and toys.

Is your husband happy with this plan?

What I also did when they were old enough (3) was to take them to a local playschool a couple of times a week so they socialised and I had a break!

I've looked after 3 at different times and I enjoyed it but I must say I'm glad those days are done!

Personally for me the biggest thing would be you would have to promise, and follow through on minding the child the way I expect. That would mean, learning first aid, being up to date on the latest guidelines and also following the way I want things. So like say I wanted nap times on a schedule, or didn't want them to have sweets or crisps, or was following some random feed my kids only orange food on a Thursday, I would expect that to be followed.
Family doing the childminding roll can be difficult also because if I didnt like something a daycare was doing, I could go in and complain and remove the child. So I think you would need to say to your DS and DIL that you would have a tough skin and would understand if they said, "Listen Mum, we love you but your carpet is covered in so much cat hair, you would need to get it cleaned".
Also I would suggest really getting to know your DIL and talk about parenting etc. It's often so much easier for a mum to leave their.baby with their own mum because they know what shes like, knows if she has a temper, or gets easily frustrated. If your DIL has never seen you around kids and doesn't talk about these things, it might make her worried about all the possibilities.

I think what you are offering is such a wonderful idea xxx

It's a lovely offer but not one your child should use to make a decision about having a child. What if something happens to you? And you can no longer make your commitment.

I don't think you should offer help financially specifically with nursery fees, because it could create resentment from you towards them if you see them spending on something "unnecessary" (in your eyes) after they've said they're broke. If you want to save up wages and give a one-off lump sum gift (even if it ends up being a series of one-off gifts) then do that, with no strings attached. Saying you'll pay for nursery fees is you attaching conditions to the money. At the end of the day you're not going to know what they see as essential versus luxury, what their definition of "broke" is and whether that holiday/new carpet/car came out of your "nursery fees" gifted money or their wages. It all ends up amounting to the same thing though - judgement and resentment - so don't go there, just gift them if you want to gift them and let them live their life however they see fit.

I'd not offer full time permanent childcare either on the grounds it isn't practical. Offer on a one-off basis (even if it ends up being a series of one-offs) if DC is sick, they want to go on holiday by themselves, other childcare has let them down etc if you want to and are able to at that moment in time. That's genuinely helpful.

Signing yourself up for full time childcare is guaranteed to create problems. Either they'll come to rely on it, taking you for granted, treating you as staff and maybe feeling resentful that it isn't all exactly how they'd like it to be. Or you'll quickly realised that 35hrs a week childcare is gruelling at your age and you can't do it. Especially when "full time" turns out to be not 35hrs you envisioned, but 48hrs standard plus commute and overtime.

It'll also hugely impact your relationship when something inevitably goes wrong. The moment you have a health issue and need their help and support will be the exact moment they're most unable to give it, because they're suddenly frantically busy scrabbling around for childcare/juggling it themselves on top of all their usual commitments.

Offering to do all school runs will get old quickly as you realise just how restricted your day is when you never get a lie in because you're collecting DC at 7.30-8am for the school drop off in rush hour traffic, don't get home after drop off until 9.30-10am, then have to leave at 1.30pm to be back at the school for 2pm just to get a decent parking spot while you wait until 3.30pm for them to come out. You're imagining a couple of peaceful, unhurried, half hour round trips at each end of the day, but it ends up taking up more time than that in reality and feels like one big rush and hassle.

As everyone has said, be very careful about what you offer. I've seen it more than once that the granny is delighted to offer lots of childcare for one cute little baby - but that cute little baby quickly grows and gains a sibling, and they end up looking after two preschoolers which is exhausting.

So lots of asterisks.

Once you agree on a schedule, then you're on to the obvious - respecting them as parents and following their wishes re routine, diet etc.

We have no family nearby and illness was the hardest aspect for us - we had FT nursery but when they couldn't go it was such a hassle. So you could offer to cover sick days but then of course you'll end up infected yourself so be careful of that too. Be clear from the outset that you'll be unavailable to cover vomitting bugs though, and that granny daycare also has a 48 hour policy!

It all depends on the quality of what was on offer. PIL offered this when my oldest was younger but they’re always late for things so we couldn’t rely on them for work. They do occassional night time babybsitting so we can go out and now my kids are older and easier they some times take them out or have them for a couple of hours in the holidays.

It's all hypothetical at the moment but my parents in law helped me when mine were small. They only ever did 2 days per week and didn't have a subsequent babies until they started nursery at 3. This meant they only had more than one in the holidays. We gave them a key to our house and they would base themselves wherever suited them best on any given day. As for housework? I wish, they usually made a big mess! But it was free childcare with people who truly loved them. They offered when we started looking at nurseries.

My MIL is a godsend and, as annoying as she can be, provides a week's worth of free childcare a month, coming from across the country to stay with us. She used to do it more regularly before we qualified for some free hours.

I've made it clear to her that we don't expect her to do anything other than look after our son but on the odd occasion she will put the hoover round, help clear the kitchen etc. will pop to the shops and sometimes prepare the dinner for later.

It's whatever you're both comfortable with.

I'd want an open discussion about what she'd like to offer and what we'd like to accept. Just both sides being straight up about what they're happy with, without any judgement or resentment on either side. Everything- hours, days, activities, location- should be discussed openly and compromises found. MIL shouldn't get huffy if the parents don't want her to help as much as she'd like, and parents shouldn't push for more help than MIL can happily offer.

I wouldn't want her to offer housework, as it's unlikely she would do things the way I wanted. I'd expect her to tidy up after herself and the kids to some extent, but no housework.

(I don't have a MIL so this is purely hypothetical)

Good point. My mum wanted to help as much as possible, I ended up having a fairly challenging autistic child and my mum has had some health struggles so things aren’t always so straightforward.

Hi OP!

Those are all great questions and I would rather my MIL ask me personally all those questions before beginning. So, ask DIL

How lovely of you to be giving this so much thought. Personally id feel beyond guilty if you were working simply to pay our nursery costs and probably wouldn’t accept that offer. As for offering childcare, I wouldn’t expect more than a day a week, but would need to know there was a backup plan for if you were on holiday/poorly/whatever… to be honest, it’s possibly more hassle than it’s worth! Committing to something like this long term is hard as you don’t know how you’ll feel in a year, two or three!
My MIL does a day a week for us, but she’s flaky as hell and has a commitment which means she has to leave between 11 and 1:30… not that helpful really but it’s been lovely for the bonding aspect I think. Plus she has just hit sixty and decided overnight basically that she’s a Very Old Person now and needs to slow right down… which is great 😂

Ask what works for them

my mum has dc one day a week and it’s great. She picks them up and takes them to hers (dh wfh) and brings them back. We’d be fine wi th her staying here but she doesn’t want to feel on edge disturbing dh. i occasionally pick them up as it’s a 1 1/2 hour round trip. I massively appreciate it and whenever possible take them off her ( school holidays) and she books term time holidays we have to cover.

I wouldn’t want her near the housework, that feels weird!

My parents and my in laws both supported with childcare.

I thought I would prefer it in ny home but found they both left the house turned upside down.

I also found my child preferred to do half days at nursery and get picked up rather than whole day's at nursery and whole days at grandparents.

So basically what I thought woukd work didn't, so we had to change.

I look after my grandchildren one day a week and their other grandparents do another day. They attend Nursery for 2 days and my DD works compressed hours - so is only at work for 4 days. Combined with child tax credits and free hours, they are able to afford childcare.
Another couple I know each work 4 days compressed (different days off) so again only pay for 3 days childcare.
I have the children in my home now but when they were young babies had them in their own home.

My MIL offered to do a weekly afternoon of childcare, just picking DD up from nursery at lunchtime 1 day a week and it absolutely ruined the relationship I had with her. We barely speak now. I really wouldn't recommend either a regular childcare arrangement or paying their nursery fees. I think the necessary dependence it creates can cause conflict. Whereas ad hoc arrangements and occasional gifts/money is always welcome without becoming relied upon/an obligation

Why, what happened?